Bravery - Comments

Honestly, I have no clue how to wrap my head around this story. There is no background on the story's setting. You are just thrown into the story with her telling her secrets but not why she decides to tell them or why these secrets are apparently illegal and will get her killed. Half of her reactions aren't very realistic. Like when she finally told her brother her secrets, I would have assumed if they were that bad that his reaction would be more... well more. And instead of trying to explain to him how she feels and how it isn't a choice she just gets mad and curses at him. Another thing that didn't seem realistic was the parent's reaction and her reaction to being thrown out of her house. I feel like there would have been more arguing and her trying to get her parents and brother to see that her lifestyle isn't evil and wrong in any way. This could be a great story, just have to work on details and background.

@ castiel's vessel
Yeah, I'll most likely ask you for detail later. :3

I'm going to be absolutely honest with you.

The first chapter has barely any detail in and isn't enough to draw someone in to read the rest of this. I get that a chapter doesn't need to be crammed with detail, especially right at the beginning, but with what you tried to convey in the chapter you did need more detail then you added in. You just have how they speak and what they do in the chapter, you don't have how either of them feel during the conversation and it does not feel a bit realistic. The speech ties in with that as well. It's very basic, but that can be a good thing at times. However, considering how you worded the summary and how you put that Cassidy was hesitant to tell her brother about being a lesbian, her reactions - “How fucking ignorant of you. You don’t become gay.” and “I don’t have time for this shit. Im going to my room.” - to how he reacted to the news wasn't a single bit realistic in my opinion and honestly takes a lot from the chapter. You get her to make him promise not to say anything and have her beg him not to tell their parents so that obviously means that she knows that her being a lesbian and Wiccan isn't something that would be fully accepted, so her exclamation of how ignorant he was to say that she chose the lifestyle doesn't sit right with it. What would have been a better thing to put in was her either trying to explain to him that she didn't choose to become a lesbian (can't say that much with the Wiccan factor because that is something that you choose) or her appealing to his religious nature by explaining that his god wouldn't have made her a lesbian if he didn't want her to be one, despite her not believing in it. But she did neither so the chapter just did not draw me in one.

This does seem like it could be a good idea, but like the user below me said, you need to add more detail and make it a lot more realistic then it is now before a reader would actually want to click onto the next chapter and read more of the story.

My inbox is always open if you need any help with the details, realism or anything of the matter.

@ tacobellangel

I had an entire three paragraph written out and my computer froze. >.> Anyway! So, like I said before, I don't really enjoy these kinds of stories because the drama that most readers will bring. So I stay away from religion based stories just like I do with horror stories and sex filled stories. lol. But you've got something good here as long as you add detail and you don't rush it. When it's rushed it makes the reader think that the author doesn't really care. But when you take your time to edit, re-read, add more detail, and make it as realistic as possible, the reader actually wants to continue.

@ Robin 'The Sidekick'
How did you find this story? I'm just curious.

@ tacobellangel
Alright :)
And no problem.

@ Robin 'The Sidekick'
Thank you!
Yeah, I know not all religious people are like that. ^^

So I just finished the first chapter. It was really short and quick to read. I'm not into religion-kind of stories. But you do need some help with your writing. I feel that the first chapter was way too rushed. You could have done a better job describing the environment. Like, I sat alone, tears escaping my eyes. I felt it time to let out my deepest secrets. The ones that have been haunting me. Something like that but in your own words, you know?

It felt rushed and a bit cliche. Cliche because of the gay stereo type thing. Like when he said, "Why did you chose this lifestyle?" Instead of her snapping and being all, "You don't chose to be gay!" And cursing him off, she could have taken that time to explain to him what was actually going on and why she felt that way. And why she needed to let it all out. I don't like religion stories because they make at least one other religion look bad. Like, this for instance. You know, not everyone who's religious is like that? But since this is your story this is the kind of thing you would want to happen and I get that.

But you need to get into more depth and describe and let the reader know why they should move onto the next chapter. Just give us a reason to keep reading. :"D