Hello! Maybe no one has ever told you, but there are specific ways to correctly format a story. Before you go on reading, I'm not writing this comment to be "mean," just to help you out!
First thing I noticed when reading this was that there wasn't much detail or description. There was a few things like: "her golden hair shone in the sun" but I feel like it was lacking some really good description. Like what kind of abuse did Severus see at home? Why was he at the park? What kind of day was it like or what was their home town like? Those types of descriptions, they help give the reader a background as to what exactly Severus’ life was like at home.
I also noticed that, right of the bat, there are a couple of grammatical errors such as: "The first time I saw her I know we were alike" when it should be "I knew we were alike." Those things can easily be modified if you were to type your stories in a word doc. first and then copy and paste them into the story area. That way the auto correct will catch grammatical and spelling errors.
Lastly your dialogue is written in a really confusing way (also Mibba has a rule about how dialogue should be written or else stories can be reported). Expert from your story (Meeting):
“You know where 1 persons in the middle and they try get the ball from the others” “I’ve never heard of it,” I admitted pulling at the sleeves of my old black jacket “Well come and we’ll teach you. It’s better than sitting in the shade alone” she replied motioning me with her as she grabbed the ball at my side. “Lily who’s this? Mum says no talking to strangers” the other girl snapped as we got near “This is my sister Petunia and I’m Lily” she introduced “M-My names Severus” I stuttered “Severus? What a…” “Petunia! Severus is going to play piggy in the middle with us. You go in the middle first” she said to her sister who glared at her, Lily threw a ball at me and I caught it “You gotta throw it back to me” Lily shouted laughing and I did as she said.
There are several errors in this passage, but they can all be eliminated if written properly, which I've done so below:
“You know, where one person is in the middle and they try get the ball from the others!”
“I’ve never heard of it,” I admitted pulling at the sleeves of my old black jacket.
“Well come and we’ll teach you. It’s better than sitting in the shade alone,” she replied motioning me with her as she grabbed the ball at my side.
“Lily, who is this? Mum says no talking to strangers,” the other girl snapped as we got near.
“This is my sister, Petunia, and I’m Lily,” she introduced.
“M-My names Severus,” I stuttered.
“Severus? What a…”
“Petunia! Severus is going to play piggy in the middle with us. You go in the middle first,” she said to her sister who glared at her, Lily then threw the ball at me and I caught it. “You have to throw it back to me!” Lily said, laughing.
I smiled and threw it back, high over Petunia’s head and right into Lily’s arms. She caught it and smiled at me, throwing it again.
Every time someone new says something you must make a new paragraph. If a quote would end in a period but has a tag (example of a tag: he said) the period should be turned into a comma. (So this: "I love you." he said. should be: "I love you," he said.) But if it doesn't have a tag you can end it with a period. (Like: "I love you.")
So just clean up you writing, re-read, add some detail and get your piece out there! I'm sure you'll have a lot more readers because Severus and Lily's relationship is one of the cutest in the series! Anyone would love reading a story about it.
First thing I noticed when reading this was that there wasn't much detail or description. There was a few things like: "her golden hair shone in the sun" but I feel like it was lacking some really good description. Like what kind of abuse did Severus see at home? Why was he at the park? What kind of day was it like or what was their home town like? Those types of descriptions, they help give the reader a background as to what exactly Severus’ life was like at home.
I also noticed that, right of the bat, there are a couple of grammatical errors such as: "The first time I saw her I know we were alike" when it should be "I knew we were alike." Those things can easily be modified if you were to type your stories in a word doc. first and then copy and paste them into the story area. That way the auto correct will catch grammatical and spelling errors.
Lastly your dialogue is written in a really confusing way (also Mibba has a rule about how dialogue should be written or else stories can be reported). Expert from your story (Meeting):
“You know where 1 persons in the middle and they try get the ball from the others” “I’ve never heard of it,” I admitted pulling at the sleeves of my old black jacket “Well come and we’ll teach you. It’s better than sitting in the shade alone” she replied motioning me with her as she grabbed the ball at my side. “Lily who’s this? Mum says no talking to strangers” the other girl snapped as we got near “This is my sister Petunia and I’m Lily” she introduced “M-My names Severus” I stuttered “Severus? What a…” “Petunia! Severus is going to play piggy in the middle with us. You go in the middle first” she said to her sister who glared at her, Lily threw a ball at me and I caught it “You gotta throw it back to me” Lily shouted laughing and I did as she said.
There are several errors in this passage, but they can all be eliminated if written properly, which I've done so below:
“You know, where one person is in the middle and they try get the ball from the others!”
“I’ve never heard of it,” I admitted pulling at the sleeves of my old black jacket.
“Well come and we’ll teach you. It’s better than sitting in the shade alone,” she replied motioning me with her as she grabbed the ball at my side.
“Lily, who is this? Mum says no talking to strangers,” the other girl snapped as we got near.
“This is my sister, Petunia, and I’m Lily,” she introduced.
“M-My names Severus,” I stuttered.
“Severus? What a…”
“Petunia! Severus is going to play piggy in the middle with us. You go in the middle first,” she said to her sister who glared at her, Lily then threw the ball at me and I caught it. “You have to throw it back to me!” Lily said, laughing.
I smiled and threw it back, high over Petunia’s head and right into Lily’s arms. She caught it and smiled at me, throwing it again.
Every time someone new says something you must make a new paragraph. If a quote would end in a period but has a tag (example of a tag: he said) the period should be turned into a comma. (So this: "I love you." he said. should be: "I love you," he said.) But if it doesn't have a tag you can end it with a period. (Like: "I love you.")
So just clean up you writing, re-read, add some detail and get your piece out there! I'm sure you'll have a lot more readers because Severus and Lily's relationship is one of the cutest in the series! Anyone would love reading a story about it.
~Nikki