Oh my gosh, this is such a cute story. I loved the beginning, where she was questioning who she was because I can definitely relate to that and you made it so believable. And then when Corey came, I loved their dialogue. Audrey seemed like she had no idea what to do and Corey was just laid back about it all, it was awesome. I loved their game too, it was cute.
It was a little hard to read in some parts though, because your paragraphs weren't really spaced out and it was like there was a big wall of text for most of the story. The dialogue was also squished between the narration, which isn't bad sometimes but it's also good to use dialogue to start new paragraphs.
There was a couple things I noticed: So she lay in the dandelions. Where the world was perfectly simple and if it wasn’t all she had to do was lean over and blow on a wish. This would sound better and flow better if you combined it into one sentence instead of separating it into two.
But instead she heard the rustling of Dandelions being shift Not entirely sure why "dandelions" is capitalized here and "shift" should be "shifted".
Why didn’t she know this about herself already, she thought? I think this sentence would sound better if you take out the "she thought" and put the question mark after "already".
Overall though, this story was super cute! Good job! (:
This is such a cute story, i love the whole idea of it and i think its very well written. I will definatly be recomending it. You are very talented, i hope too read more by you xx
It was a little hard to read in some parts though, because your paragraphs weren't really spaced out and it was like there was a big wall of text for most of the story. The dialogue was also squished between the narration, which isn't bad sometimes but it's also good to use dialogue to start new paragraphs.
There was a couple things I noticed:
So she lay in the dandelions. Where the world was perfectly simple and if it wasn’t all she had to do was lean over and blow on a wish.
This would sound better and flow better if you combined it into one sentence instead of separating it into two.
But instead she heard the rustling of Dandelions being shift
Not entirely sure why "dandelions" is capitalized here and "shift" should be "shifted".
Why didn’t she know this about herself already, she thought?
I think this sentence would sound better if you take out the "she thought" and put the question mark after "already".
Overall though, this story was super cute! Good job! (: