November 20th, 2014 at 06:42am
For starters, I love the layout. It's just enough detail to catch my attention without overwhelming or taking away from the story, which is great :)
Secondly, the summary has me so excited. I love how you changed it from explaining something that could've been so calm and everyday-like to this suspenseful thing that makes me want to know what happens to all those people. Also, I love how it ties in with the title. That's great.
Chapter One
Alright, so the narrative in the first sentence made me laugh. There should've been two commas after these words, though: "Fifth period; fifth period as in lunch; fifth period as in after the duration exactly twenty-four hours, the course of business for this hellhole—sorry, shithole—sorry, school would be completely and totally derailed."
Also, isn't the phrase "lying his ass off" rather than "lying off his ass" ? Personal opinion, obviously.
Side note, but your narrative voice is someone I want to be friends with. The humor and everything is just....making me so happy.
Your descriptions of the characters are great so far. I'm just ridiculously desperate to find out A)what happens and B)why Callum is so damn angry at them all.
Also, cliff-hanger? After the cliff-hanger in the summary? That is sooooo cruel.
Chapter Two
I'm telling you, this narrative!!! But seriously, I had so many different reactions to what you said about the guns. That's great, though, because even if someone might not agree that that's exactly what happens, it's perfect for where this story is apparently [possibly, hopefully] heading. Foreshadowing, success.
Woah there. So many people being introduced here.
And while I get that people can and do smoke both pot and cigarettes it made me go back to re-read and capture that in my mind as you started off saying Drew smokin' pot but his teeth were yellowed from tobacco, get me? No biggie, just my own little moment.
And, ok, gonna just throw it out there. Callum is such a proper-speaking teenage human that it creeps me out. Forget his temper. I'd be so wary around him just for talking like that, haha.
And my goodness gracious I absolutely abhor you leaving the chapters in cliff-hangers.
***
Ok. I'm gonna keep reading and bugging you, but dropping off on the review for now. I can't believe how ridiculously hooked I am.
It's well-written and I just saw your note on the bottom about nano; hopefully you enjoyed that. If you didn't finish this, please do so. Because otherwise I might cry. I need to know more. And if I get stuck with a cliff-hanger I might just cry.
Second, your plot is enough to make me want to crawl under my covers and sob for ages. So I hope you're happy, mister.