December 4th, 2012 at 05:37am
But this was. Wow, this was. Creepy, and stuff
But this was amazing, but scary but incredible but
Oh my god.
Happy (late) Halloween btw!
Ready or Not - Comments
-
-
The layout scared me, okay. Really, it did.
But this was. Wow, this was. Creepy, and stuff
But this was amazing, but scary but incredible but
Oh my god.
Happy (late) Halloween btw!November 7th, 2012 at 07:43am -
Okay, wholeykrappp, that layout is creepy. Especially that little guy staring at you from the bottom of the page. CREE-PY. But no, it does really work for the whole Horror-thing, so kudos on that. I also really like the banner, though I was sitting there staring at my screen trying to read it for a few solid minutes. I kept thinking it said something along the lines of 'play time' but had time spelled 'thme'. Needless to say, I was confused, but that's probably just me.
So, to start, I was slightly confused by the short description you have for the story. If one is playing by oneself, how is there another person/thing/whatever doing the seeking or the hiding? Is he or she not simply doing both? But I totally get where the story is going; I'm just pointing out the confusion I had with the short description alone.
I really enjoyed the way that you explained the whole concept of the game, not really doing anything but leaving us with question after question about what the hell the game was until after we were already engrossed in the story. Seriously, that's a great method to suck people in. However, some of the short statements started to be a bit irritating to me, stylistically. Perhaps you meant to keep them choppy to add to the mood or something, I don't know, but I think it might flow a bit better if a few of the shorter statements were combined into one sentence. For instance It was because of a random break in. Regardless of the fact that there was no sign of forced entry, the doors were locked from the inside. might read better as It was because of a random break in, they would say, regardless of the fact that there was no sign of forced entry, the doors were locked from the inside.. Also, it might flow a bit better if there was more of a transition between the background information and Anna suddenly speaking. Perhaps just a sentence, perhaps just an "Anna did." to connect the questions with the story itself, you know?
So... it's very strange to me that I'm having trouble coming up with a descriptive comment for the story. It was really, really good, and very suspenseful... which is probably why, actually. I can't really separate anything out because it all fit together so well and really wasn't possible to take a break from even if I had wanted to. It was a great horror story, although now I'm slightly nervous to turn out the light and sleep next to my own stuffed bear, even though I never stabbed him or anything. And, I'm sorry I can't think of anything else to really say. I think you scared the commenting out of me. c:November 3rd, 2012 at 07:27am -
People would play this game and then not too long they were found dead.
This is just an awkward sentence. Perhaps it should be then not too long after they were found dead.
I wonder if authorities would even believe the deaths were due to the game. They're supposed to find logical explanations to crimes and from reading the whole story, I would suspect they would label everything suicide rather than an unnamed murderer breaking in that targets random victims home alone. Just logically, if the police wanted to cover up the deaths from this game, it's a lot more convincing to say suicides and the victims were disturbed rather than someone broke in with no signs of forced entry and left no evidence whatsoever. Just a thought.
I'm not sure I understand why it's no surprise the game is of Japanese origins when there are plenty of morbid games from around the world, the US included. That just stuck out to me as a kind of 'why is that mentioned like it's so obvious it would be Japanese because it's not obvious to me at all.' I'm missing something.
It's interesting that this game summons some sort of demonic presence. It's very different to the usual ways of a demon getting into our world so I'm glad you came up with something seemingly harmless instead of the usual messing with black magic way and I like that the salt harms the demon since salt is widely considered to have protective qualities against evil spirits in folklore.
The writing on the wall strikes me a bit Harry Potterish. Like, "The Chamber of Secrets has been open. Enemies of the heir beware." kind of deal. Ominous and clearly someone is meant to die now. There's no hope of surviving for Anna after she sees that I feel.
The narration is so conversational the story might work better in first person if you wanted to keep it that way. It felt a little like Anna narrating in third person about herself, especially with comments like who would want to risk being found by something that you had stabbed previously? A lot of it reads like her rationalising her actions and trying to calm her nerves so to read a character try to soothe themselves in third person is a bit weird.
I really like the concept of taking a game meant to scare people, kind in the vein of Bloody Mary, which most kids have played so I think this idea of playing a game like this is very relatable, and having this game turn out to be the one that isn't just urban legend. It's very clever and actually something I could see a horror film based on. I know you said writing romance is easier, but you did very well, and played on people's fears. Being home alone in the dark for one automatically makes the game scary from the start before you even know where it ends up. You managed to scare from start to finish.
It was a great horror story for Halloween and it'd easily terrify people. I definitely wouldn't recommend reading it late at night when you're by yourself. And I love the eyes peeking out at the bottom of the layout. Really nice touch. Happy Mibba Halloween!October 31st, 2012 at 08:56pm -
People would play this game and then not too long they were found dead. >> This sentence reads weird. "And then in not much time, they were found dead," might make a little sense.
she is even going to burn that. >> That "is" should be "was." Otherwise, it's a tense change.
I was definitely scared reading it, so you did a great job at capturing the essence of that.
You did a nice job at describing everything, including the game, the thing chasing her ... etc, etc.
I did notice a few weird things that seemed more conversational, and less like a story. When there are things like, "So, who in their right mind would continue to play such a dangerous game?"
"...no sign of forced entry, in fact, the doors ..."
These things can be cut out and not lose anything in the story itself.
Other than that, you did a great job with this! Definitely right in time for Halloween(:
Happy writing!
xxx BeeOctober 24th, 2012 at 09:37pm -
The cover picture, banner, and layout are all REALLY creepy. o.O I don't normally read anything like this, but wow I absolutely loved it and it was an original idea too!
I did notice a few grammar things:
For example this sentence: She almost could have sworn she seen a flicker in those eyes. It should be either She'd seen or She saw. There were a few more I noticed, but regardless I loved this. :)October 24th, 2012 at 02:35am -
haha it was nice to have a horror story right now :p It was a good horror story. I like it c:October 22nd, 2012 at 09:19pm
-
Here's your Duplo! :D
Holy crumbs, I didn't even start reading this story yet and already, chills are racing their way down my spine. This layout is so incredibly creepy; that picture, especially. Anything horror-filled and having to do with little children freaks me out. And I just noticed that creepy face at the bottom of the layout, omfg lfjklsdakj how did you do that?! That's totally awesome, hahaha. Now I'm excited to begin reading this. c:
Wow. Just. Wow. I probably shouldn't have read this right now, since it's dark and I should probably go to bed soon and yeah, but nonetheless, this was beyond AWESOME! I like the idea of a stuffed animal with a bloody knife next to it; I'm curious to find out what it all means. I totally relate to Anna, being all timid and shy and a huge scared-y cat. And I'm also really curious about the whole ritual that she's doing. It's so odd. I suppose it a weird game of sorts? Hmmm.
Oooh, I get it. It's kind of like that weird Bloody Mary game that everyone did in middle school. I could literally feel my anxiety level rising as I read that Anna was running away from this...thing/being/creepy Slender Man/Bloody Mary entity. Yikes. I pretty much believe everything superstitious and now I'm really freaked out. I can totally imagine the ending if it was a movie; it just ends abruptly and you are left to wonder what happens to Anna. YIKES. D:
Overall, I greatly enjoyed this. This was absolutely amazing! Although I wish there was a little more details here and there, it would've made it feel less stiff. But other than that, I enjoyed it. Great job! c:October 22nd, 2012 at 04:01am -
This was really twisted and I enjoyed very moment of it. I like reading stories like this, especially now that Halloween is coming. There were some sentences that were hard to read, "she tossed the bear into the cold water, she almost could have sworn she seen a flicker in those eyes." there are a couple grammatical errors and I think if you did a quick proofread, you'll be able to catch the mistakes and fix them. Great though!October 18th, 2012 at 11:33pm
-
This story was really good, and so creepy! I like the way you started out describing the game, but not exactly what it was. It was really mysterious because the reader only knew that people who played the game died, but they didn't know what they were doing. I think you did a really excellent job building up the suspense. The ending was soooo creepy and like how you just ended it with "I found you." It was the creepiest, most perfect ending!October 18th, 2012 at 08:13pm
-
Very well written. I really love this story. Very interesting.October 18th, 2012 at 02:22am
-
I shat myself.October 16th, 2012 at 10:29pm
-
Oh dear God, that was so awful (in a good way lol)! XD
My heart was beating soooo fast and incredibly hard! I could totally feel Anna's fright!
This was great to read!! And yeah, romance is easy, but branching out is what makes you improve your skills. (:
And you're a great writer, if I do say so myself! :DOctober 16th, 2012 at 10:28pm -
*Nervous laugh* What is sleep? What are games?
See, this is why I should've heeded the layouts warning and not read this while I was home alone. I just don't think these things through...
This was amazing, I'm so glad you told me to read it.October 16th, 2012 at 09:11pm -
Omg...that was terrifying. I now won't be able to sleep!October 16th, 2012 at 07:15am
-
I love this story!! It kinda freaked me out though. All the time I was expecting the demon to lunge at me from my closet or something. I'll Probably never play hide and seek again. Or sew anything again. Anyway, this is very well written. I love how you wrote it. Ecspeacilly the idea! Love the story.October 16th, 2012 at 03:03am
-
Oh my god. I have my sissy face on, I got so scared.
Oh Jeez, I knew this was going to be good just from the layout - which is amazing, by the way.
Such chills! I think the hair on my arm is standing up. I WOULD NEVER EVER EVER DO THIS.
EVER.
so scary omfg.
I am totally reccing this! I wouldn't be able to tell romance was your forte by reading this! This was really good - well done!October 16th, 2012 at 01:05am -
Wow this was creepy. I'm shivering, girl. whoa! Nice job! I liked the whole 'japanese creepypasta' very realistic, doing this it's something I would probably never do. It was very awesome. I loved it, reading it on the dark of your room would probably put you out of sleep forever. Great job.October 15th, 2012 at 03:56am
-
Okay, this was amazing and scared the shit out of me. Well done! Stories don't usually do that to me! I honestly think it was the teddy bear that got to me the most. *shudders* Fantastic job, love.October 14th, 2012 at 12:30am
-
Wow, I'm speechless, but this had my heart pounding...seriously...if you actually told this to a child, would they be able to sleep? I don't think so, but when I read it, I feel like I am a child, as small as 4 and I can feel how scared Anna must've been. Man, gives me the shivers, but all in all, it was terrifyingly terrific. Never heard a twist of hide and seek like that before. :DOctober 13th, 2012 at 07:46am
It is terrifying. I very much enjoy horror movies but scary books don't frighten me, specifically Stephen King. But I have a feeling that I will think about this story tonight while I try to sleep -_-
Nevertheless, great story!