Wow, this is quite different than what I expected. I like the choice of subject matter and that you didn't shy away from talking about something that's kind of considered taboo, and you did it in a way that didn't seem like a giant pity party, which, from having read a few suicide fics, I know is really easy to do unintentionally. You handled it very well without diminishing the impact of her death.
I did really love that you never gave her an identity. She was just a girl and that makes it easy to believe the reader could know her personally without giving her really anything specific characteristics or personality, other than brown hair, but that's such a common hair colour that's it doesn't really tell us anything about her. I think by keeping her at a distance, you really make it so the reader can put themselves into the story and become emotionally invested. Although she doesn't have a name or anything distinguishing to her, she doesn't feel like a flat character either and that's impressive.
I hate to say that I'm so on the fence with this girl because I do like the concept here a lot. I know the intention of your piece, which is a good one and it's a powerful message that I like. I'm glad you chose to address such a sensitive subject and I really enjoy that it works so well without dialogue because the victim unfortunately can't say anything anymore. What gets to me is you have a story with a great moral and I can't really sympathise with this character as much as you want because the ugly girl tormented by everyone at school so she has no friends, her home life sucks because her family ignores her, none of her teachers pay attention to her, she had a tortured past, and her father is an abusive alcoholic is unfortunately a character featured very often on Mibba just to make the reader pity the girl. The fact she is depressed enough and fed up with life enough to commit suicide is heartbreaking enough so you really didn't have to make her everything on the checklist. She could have some friends, or her home life could be okay. She could really just be that average girl you wouldn't look twice at in the school hallway and still be driven to this by people at school picking on her. She doesn't need to be a walking tragedy to be in a tragedy if that makes any sense.
The ones who teased her after school think about her and how she might not have killed herself had they not bantered her.
I wouldn't use the word banter in this context because it doesn't really fit. Banter is teasing in a harmless, goodnatured manner, like you do with your friends. It's just joking. Yes, sometimes people are being cruel under the guise of banter, but these kids openly tormented her. Just as a suggestion, ridicule might be a better word choice, or something along those lines.
Unfortunately, I'm not keen on the ending at all. I understand it's supposed to show how this girl's death had an impact on the people around her, but it's way too extreme. All the girls have eating disorders now? That seems unlikely and also how has her death brought on EDs in these girls? All the boys that teased her are now wife beating alcoholics? Once again I highly doubt that they would turn to that because of her or that all of them would even suffer the same fate. Why have her teachers quit their jobs? What motivation did that have for that? They would give up their careers and let their children die because one girl they taught killed herself and not even because of them? I don't see all their kids dying that likely either. The only bit of that last paragraph I find realistic is her parents divorcing, especially after having lost both children. They're just a reminder of that to each other and it's not incomprehensible why people who have suffered the death of a child cannot find it in them to stay together so I agree with that part and I like that, especially since they've lost both children now so understandably it's too difficult for them.
I just think you went overboard with the ending. You could have pinpointed one person. One girl who was like the leader of the girls making fun of her and she does something rash out of guilt. One of the boys who was most cruel to her and have him turn to drinking to drown the fact he was a factor in her death. Not sure about teachers since you didn't mention them until after she died. If you maybe talked about one, or a counsellor, she tried to reach out to before and was brushed off by, then you could have them quit because they felt they were responsible for not taking her seriously. The extremes right now of everyone she knew having their lives ruined I think could be toned down and it would still emphasis the consequences of her death. I think touching a few individuals would be more powerful than a mass reaction of everyone she's ever known.
I have to say though that I really enjoyed your style of writing. I adore the matter-of-fact delivery and the short, to the point sentences intermingled with the longer, descriptive ones. It really was beautifully written. It flowed wonderfully and I can really get a sense of you as a writer from it. It was a wonderful piece and your author's note is a great little follow-up about the effects of suicide. Great work!
I did really love that you never gave her an identity. She was just a girl and that makes it easy to believe the reader could know her personally without giving her really anything specific characteristics or personality, other than brown hair, but that's such a common hair colour that's it doesn't really tell us anything about her. I think by keeping her at a distance, you really make it so the reader can put themselves into the story and become emotionally invested. Although she doesn't have a name or anything distinguishing to her, she doesn't feel like a flat character either and that's impressive.
I hate to say that I'm so on the fence with this girl because I do like the concept here a lot. I know the intention of your piece, which is a good one and it's a powerful message that I like. I'm glad you chose to address such a sensitive subject and I really enjoy that it works so well without dialogue because the victim unfortunately can't say anything anymore. What gets to me is you have a story with a great moral and I can't really sympathise with this character as much as you want because the ugly girl tormented by everyone at school so she has no friends, her home life sucks because her family ignores her, none of her teachers pay attention to her, she had a tortured past, and her father is an abusive alcoholic is unfortunately a character featured very often on Mibba just to make the reader pity the girl. The fact she is depressed enough and fed up with life enough to commit suicide is heartbreaking enough so you really didn't have to make her everything on the checklist. She could have some friends, or her home life could be okay. She could really just be that average girl you wouldn't look twice at in the school hallway and still be driven to this by people at school picking on her. She doesn't need to be a walking tragedy to be in a tragedy if that makes any sense.
The ones who teased her after school think about her and how she might not have killed herself had they not bantered her.
I wouldn't use the word banter in this context because it doesn't really fit. Banter is teasing in a harmless, goodnatured manner, like you do with your friends. It's just joking. Yes, sometimes people are being cruel under the guise of banter, but these kids openly tormented her. Just as a suggestion, ridicule might be a better word choice, or something along those lines.
Unfortunately, I'm not keen on the ending at all. I understand it's supposed to show how this girl's death had an impact on the people around her, but it's way too extreme. All the girls have eating disorders now? That seems unlikely and also how has her death brought on EDs in these girls? All the boys that teased her are now wife beating alcoholics? Once again I highly doubt that they would turn to that because of her or that all of them would even suffer the same fate. Why have her teachers quit their jobs? What motivation did that have for that? They would give up their careers and let their children die because one girl they taught killed herself and not even because of them? I don't see all their kids dying that likely either. The only bit of that last paragraph I find realistic is her parents divorcing, especially after having lost both children. They're just a reminder of that to each other and it's not incomprehensible why people who have suffered the death of a child cannot find it in them to stay together so I agree with that part and I like that, especially since they've lost both children now so understandably it's too difficult for them.
I just think you went overboard with the ending. You could have pinpointed one person. One girl who was like the leader of the girls making fun of her and she does something rash out of guilt. One of the boys who was most cruel to her and have him turn to drinking to drown the fact he was a factor in her death. Not sure about teachers since you didn't mention them until after she died. If you maybe talked about one, or a counsellor, she tried to reach out to before and was brushed off by, then you could have them quit because they felt they were responsible for not taking her seriously. The extremes right now of everyone she knew having their lives ruined I think could be toned down and it would still emphasis the consequences of her death. I think touching a few individuals would be more powerful than a mass reaction of everyone she's ever known.
I have to say though that I really enjoyed your style of writing. I adore the matter-of-fact delivery and the short, to the point sentences intermingled with the longer, descriptive ones. It really was beautifully written. It flowed wonderfully and I can really get a sense of you as a writer from it. It was a wonderful piece and your author's note is a great little follow-up about the effects of suicide. Great work!