April 26th, 2008 at 11:34pm
Arianna, I'll leave you a proper comment later, but :cheese:
You win.
*kicks your stupid ass writers block*
Write something else soon, I love your style.
I love you more though.
This is win.
<3333333333333333333333333333
I think that the first part was just lsjdfnsjfsdf flawless sugar. :cheese:
The entire first paragraph was flawless actaully. I loved the An excuse to get out of the house, have a good time, do something you'd just fucking love to have your parents find out about. part especially.
It got worse once the excuse went away. Once the lips of his bright smile met yours, and your hands went through his dark hair; the excuse had left. No reason to hang around these parties, no reason to drink until you spent your nights with your arms wrapped around the toilet seat and shouting every curse word you know, no reason to smoke whatever the fuck it is you like to smoke to get him to notice you.
That part
Did I mention that I love how Pete's character was never directly revealed? It was never mentioned that Pete was the the boy with the bright smile and dark hair, but it has a feel that you automatically know, "Ohai, that the boy with the bright smile and dark hair be Peter Wentz."
Even if I didn't know it was a peterick, I'd still think of him as Peter. Anyway.
Okay. You're missing a quotation mark in there.
"Thanks.” You tried your best to sound seductive. Trying too hard. You always tried to hard for him. “You're not half bad yourself.” You were both drunk as fuck. It showed.
I added it in and bolded it so you could see what I was talking about x)
Anyway, I think that's just about the only thing wrong with this entire story, everything is just flawless. And that's only a minor thing, anyway.
& I think (think would be the key word, here) that your dialouge needs a comma rather than a period.
Like, it should be; “Uh huh,” He was a lot better at being seductive. “So what's your name?”
If it was just “Uh huh”, then it would be a period, but since there's stuff following it, it would be a comma.
Don't quote me on that though. :shifty
In the end, the way you wrote it will probably be right and I'm just a dumbass feeding you faulty story tips.
ANYWAY.
I lovelovelovelovelovelovelove'd this sentence. You belong to a set of white teeth and smooth, soft, black, hair. It was just perfect. You're good at coming up with perfect sentences that just fit so smoothly and have absolutely nothing wrong with them. You're good at writing as well, but I've told you that many a time before and now I'm just rambling and repeating myself, but I digress.
The ending. KLDFSDFKLSDFKLSDLFSD. PERFECT!
It was just ... ugh. I want to saw flawless, but I've used flawless like 10000 times in this comment alone, so I won't say that.
It was just ... okay, screw it, flawless.
This whole story was flawless tbh.
Keep it up, Arianna. You've improved so, so much from the first story I've read of yours. I loved this and I can't wait for your next one-shot, or update, or story.
You are a fabulous writer, don't ever forget that.
I hope you get over your writers block soon.
I loved this, but not nearly as much as I love you.
:arms:
PERFECT.