23 - Comments

  • n. josten

    n. josten (1270)

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    Ghoul of 2016
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    92
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    I’m here as the new judge for the ‘Pre-Writes #2’ contest.

    Because this was so long, I only read the first 5ish chapters. I don’t really read A7X fanfic nor gang stories, so putting those two together, I don’t really know… well, anything going into this. I wasn’t comfortable with the blatant sexism and the abuse so I ended up not really liking any of the A7X characters, but I did like Izzy as a character. She has a lot of attitude and sass, which makes her such a strong character. It also surprised me that there was this huge build-up to taking Izzy and all, but then Shadows asked her to work for him. I was seriously shocked. Then you continued to surprise me by revealing that her father wasn’t actually some heinous person that committed suicide, but was instead framed and actually a really good man? It was definitely a unique twist to have the kidnapping be this huge act. Though I couldn’t forgive myself for beating my mother so I don’t know how Izzy is going to handle that.

    Some of your dialogue tags are improper at points, which makes this awkward kind of stutter in the prose. You end a lot of the tags with periods when it should be commas. This is fine if it’s followed by an action rather than a dialogue tag (such as ‘said’, ‘asked’, ‘replied’, etc.) but most times, it’s not. So a sentence like “Let’s get you to your room Isabel.” he said, his smile still hanging from his lips. should be written as, “Let’s get you to your room, Isabel,” he said, his smile still hanging from his lips. Which also reminds me that you should capitalize your dialogue tags either, which you also do at random points. Sometimes you do and sometimes you don’t, so there’s no pattern to when you do it but it shouldn’t happen at all. So in this case: “I don’t belong to anyone.” Snapped Izzy, her temper flaring. ‘snapped’ shouldn’t be capitalized and again, the period should be a comma.

    I hope this all made sense, I apologize if not! That’s really the only thing that stood out because your prose was simplistic, but detailed and maintained a consistent flow throughout. So overall, you definitely have a really interesting concept with a unique twist happening so good job.
    July 18th, 2017 at 05:28am
  • celestial_royalty

    celestial_royalty (100)

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    AAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA. This quote is SO much more hilarious (I read it in the comments before I read the story) in context. I'm dying. DYING. “All hail the mighty cock of Synsyter Gates.” snorted Jimmy causing Shadows to laugh as well while Gates shot him a disdainful look. “Causing women to do immoral things since the beginning of his existence.”
    August 22nd, 2014 at 10:21am
  • celestial_royalty

    celestial_royalty (100)

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    ch 12- OH SHIT
    August 22nd, 2014 at 09:32am
  • celestial_royalty

    celestial_royalty (100)

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    "as dark as Vengeance". Now that's poetic.
    August 22nd, 2014 at 09:19am
  • celestial_royalty

    celestial_royalty (100)

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    9- He feels sick that people would give their child up to replace their debt? Is that before or after murdering them?!
    August 22nd, 2014 at 08:35am
  • celestial_royalty

    celestial_royalty (100)

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    Vengeance's 'sinister side' ahahahahahhahahha Synyster...yes? hahahahaha
    August 22nd, 2014 at 08:20am
  • celestial_royalty

    celestial_royalty (100)

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    I so wish I read this story earlier- I would love nothing more than to get it on with Gates...or a reformed Vengeance, because his behavior thus far has been beyond repulsive.
    August 22nd, 2014 at 08:19am
  • mrsmshadz

    mrsmshadz (100)

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    Oh my god!!! I loved this story!! It was funny, inyense n so naughty!! Best quote ever "all hail the mighty cock of Synyster Gates, causing women to do immoral things since the beginning of existence!!! That right had me laughing loud n hard!!! Ill be starting the sequel tomorrow bc ite 1:24 in the morning n I need a lil sleep!! Lol
    October 11th, 2013 at 10:24am
  • Synful Cocktail

    Synful Cocktail (100)

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    Class of 2015
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    Australia
    I love this story! Oh my god! It's so thrilling and exciting.
    April 26th, 2013 at 01:35pm
  • delirium.

    delirium. (1200)

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    This is a pretty interesting story. Though, part of me would have liked it if her father really was the man that they painted at the beginning, the failure. Although, that would have been really cliche, so I really like the twist of him actually being framed and murdered. Still makes me wonder why he was framed, since I think it would have just been easier to kill him, then I guess Izzy wouldn't be as frightened of the A7X gang, so it makes sense. Vengeance's attitude it pretty hot, I guess I just don't really expect him to be that rough, so it's nice. I'm really going to read all of it, it's an awesome story, and you executed it fantastically.
    April 3rd, 2013 at 08:01pm
  • CountSynula

    CountSynula (100)

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    I love this story! I'm only on chapter 8 but I am addicted lol. Whenever I have free time I will kick back and get lost in the chapters. I can tell you really put a lot of hard work into it and it shows in your writing. I'm going to read more now lol. Mr. Green
    March 23rd, 2013 at 10:03pm
  • heretic.

    heretic. (210)

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    Bibliophile
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    80
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    Loved this story, so well written! I'm hoping that Izzy ends up with Brain but secretly rooting for vengeance he's just too hot!!
    February 1st, 2013 at 06:18pm
  • heretic.

    heretic. (210)

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    Bibliophile
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    Wow chapter 11 was hot!!!
    February 1st, 2013 at 04:14pm
  • BeenDownThatRoad

    BeenDownThatRoad (100)

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    Wow, I really loved this story and am really excited to start reading the sequel. I love how each character was well rounded out. You really got a feel for everyone's personalities and everything. Also, I loved all of your witty dialogue, that can be tough to do, but you did it flawlessly:).

    I really like Izzy, I think she needs to take time for herself though, no men involved and no Vengeance! She needs to stay the hell away from him! At this point Im rooting for Brian, I love that man!

    I cant wait to read what twist and turns you have in store for us next:)
    November 29th, 2012 at 07:04pm
  • purple89

    purple89 (100)

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    @ Tickled Pinkly thank you so much for that!! i'm honored you think so highly of this story...enjoy the sequel!

    @ Nantia thank you hun! much appreciated!!!!
    November 29th, 2012 at 04:51am
  • Nantia

    Nantia (100)

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    Oh my freaking gosh, this story is amazing, I cant wait to read the sequel, a great place to leave cliffhanger. I wonder if Izzy is going to be the distruction to the A7x? Love it, best story I have ever read. Mr. Green Mr. Green Very Happy
    November 28th, 2012 at 12:53pm
  • Tickled Pinkly

    Tickled Pinkly (100)

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    I have to say that this is some of Mibba's finest! And as much as I want Izzy to be happy, I can't help but love the drama that Jake Night is constantly stirring up! Love the relationship between Izzy and the Big Bad Shadows :P Can't wait for the sequel now... please post asap!! :)
    November 28th, 2012 at 04:52am
  • MusicFan

    MusicFan (100)

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    @ purple89
    I know right! haha but I know they still care for each other soo I will keep my faith in them:)
    November 28th, 2012 at 03:49am
  • gothique4

    gothique4 (100)

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    Oh my god what a place to end - ahhhh I must know what happens next!!!!

    Whooo hooo, Jimmy and I kissed :-) I'm a happy little camper now.

    I had to laugh when she got Zacky all riled up and then just walked off and left him there :-)

    I hope that the guys can get rid of Jake permanently, but I hope there wasn't anything to his threat about others wanting to use her to take down A7X :-(
    November 28th, 2012 at 03:10am
  • purple89

    purple89 (100)

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    @ MusicFan
    we'll definately see if that happens. i love how they're constantly at each other's throat.
    November 28th, 2012 at 02:06am