Tick, Tick, Tick - Comments

I like horror a little too much, so I decided I'd comment on this.

Repetition is like one of my favourite things in stories, especially when it's a certain sound or phrase so I loved the little onomatopoeic repetitions here and there, those really drew me in right from that start. It creates a really lovely flow, it links everything together beautifully. It actually reminds me of a technique used in one of my favourite books, so I think that's why I'm really into it so much. It really is such a simple thing, but it is quite honestly one of my favourite things about this story, really. It sounds silly, but I'm a sucker for little details like that (and I loved how you linked it in at the end and linked it to the title as well!)

Right from the get-go, you have this really eerie and creepy vibe to this and I love that. Even the way the surgeons talk, the way she keeps waking up during the surgery to them taking another part of her body. I really like how you linked all of the flashbacks to the specific points in her body that they were taking out, that was a really interesting touch and kept everything flowing really well. The tiny little interludes between the flashbacks were interesting as well, it gave an insight into how both the surgeons and the girl felt about the flashbacks and it's really interesting to see that, especially seeing as those are memories that she'd probably rather forget.

The twist at the end was totally unexpected though. You hinted at it throughout the course of the story and now that I know, I've read through and noticed that but I wasn't expecting the surgeons to be her when it came down to it the first time! I loved the last line as well, it was just so disgustingly sadistic and evil and I thought the little addition of we was really clever, tying everything back into the surgeons. Really nice touch.

You've got a lot of clever little twists and words in this, but you've also got a lot of impressive writing and an absolutely stellar plot. I thought this was amazing, really good job!

I don't know what to say as I don't see anything wrong with the story itself and it's absolutely amazing. I love this story.

Tomb It May Concern

Sunny took care of the format and grammar issues, thankfully, so I don't have to say anything about that.
On with the story! When I saw how many times the chapter switched back and forth between the past and the present, I immediately frowned because I was sure I'd be confused. But, you definitely surprised me - I understood it perfectly. The excerpts from the past made things much clearer as the story moved along, and gave me a better feel of the main character's personality and background information. Your description is just beautiful; I'm definitely jealous. Sunny is right, though - I'd like to see more of her emotion in the present. Yes, it showed through the dialogue, but I'd also like to know it from her thoughts and her point of view. It showed in both ways in the past, but didn't in the present. Does that make sense? Just a thought!
I don't want to repeat what Sunny just said, so I'll move along.

Great job - I loved this story. Good luck!

Tomb It May Concern:

I'm going to start off with a few format/grammar issues that you're just not aware of. I used to do both before I realized that it was wrong, so no worries ::Cute:

First, your block paragraphing is almost correct. When there's dialogue, you have to start a completely new paragraph each time. So this:
“Aw, how are you doing, sweetie?” A surgeon asked. Her tone was sickly sweet and dripping with sarcastic mockery. The girl felt like her throat had been scorched. She could taste charred meat on her tongue. “I know I had fun watching you scream.”
The girl managed to choke out, “What do you want?”
“I get to pick two so…how about the liver and-”
“Don’t take the brain! That’s mine!” Another surgeon called and the deliberating one frowned.
“Fine. The stomach then.” She lowered her knife to the girl’s midsection. The metronome continued to tick in her ear.

Should be this:
“Aw, how are you doing, sweetie?” A surgeon asked. Her tone was sickly sweet and dripping with sarcastic mockery. The girl felt like her throat had been scorched. She could taste charred meat on her tongue. “I know I had fun watching you scream.”

The girl managed to choke out, “What do you want?”

“I get to pick two so…how about the liver and-”

“Don’t take the brain! That’s mine!” Another surgeon called and the deliberating one frowned.

“Fine. The stomach then.” She lowered her knife to the girl’s midsection. The metronome continued to tick in her ear.

Second is something called dialogue tags. Dialogue tags is the "she said" after dialogue. You always capitalize the "she" in this instance, however, if it is a tag that describes how the speaker is saying it (like she says, he mumbled, he chuckled out etc.) then it needs to be lower case. So, this: "Stop it," She said. should be this: "Stop it," she said. (you actually do this already, it's in this next area that you don't.) This includes when you use punctuation at the end of the dialogue (example- John, why did you do this to yourself?” She asked. should be this: John, why did you do this to yourself?” she asked.)

OKAY, moving onto your actual story...I LOVED this. It was beautifully written, you know just the right amount of description to add to your dialogue. I wasn't sure if there was even going to be a twist at the end of this; I wasn't expecting all of the surgeons to be her, bit I guess I should have somehow I'm not sure if I would have loved her to have a name, or if I would have loved John to NOT have a name...but I would have loved for the absence or existence of names to be either present or not. I also would have liked if you italicized all of the "Tick, Tick, Tick"s and "Clack, Clack, Clack"s.

Another suggestion is that during high intensity scenes (like when the surgeons are about to cut her) the sentences should be very short and to the point. This makes the reader read faster, gets the blood flowing and adrenalin running through their veins.

Even though I said you had the right amount of description, I think you need to add more emotion into your description. I want to FEEL what the protagonist is going through, not just see it. The physical should be able to be portrayed mentally, but the mentally should also be able to be portrayed physically.

This is a really long comment, but I just wanted to get everything out. I really did love the story and your writing style, so I focused trying to find areas that you can improve on. Most (if not all) of these I myself have to focus on as well. But really well done.

Also, I really loved your story layout! I think I have a thing for wood

Great job and good luck!