Inhale, Exhale - Comments

  • Katie Mosing

    Katie Mosing (33815)

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    Chapter One

    I love the description in the first paragraph. It immediately had me hooked. The way you described Allie running was just intense, and then there was poor Chandler trailing behind. I kind of gathered from the description that this story would be about drugs, but I was still surprised when the first chapter took that turn. At first I was imagining a care-free girl running, maybe having a good laugh with her friend, and then it escalated. But I mean all of that in a good way. I love that your story caught me off guard and completely flipped my perception of a character in the matter of a few paragraphs.

    I really enjoyed the dialogue between Allie and Chandler. It seemed fairly realistic and I thought it was sort of witty. Especially the sweet-tits bit. The part about her eyes not being red took me a minute to catch on to, but it was the perfect transition into what was really going-on. It was a perfect hint at what was to come, so I wasn't completely shocked when I found out about the trade.

    I really enjoyed the contrast between Sweet Tits, that Chandler calls her, and Cupcake, which her mother calls her.

    Chapter Two

    I liked Lloyd's monologue at the beginning of the chapter. It really said a lot about his character, and now I know a bit more of what to expect from him.

    Alexa is a slag. But I like that element in the story. Again, I thought the dialogue was very real, and I really liked it. It felt like a real conversation between two people, and I could picture them in bed, talking, and smoking.

    I loved the line you ended the chapter with, it was just perfect.

    Chapter Three

    Samantha was very different from the other characters. She didn't seem as care-free as Allie was and had a very different personality than Lloyd. She is one of those characters that feels she isn't good enough, and I think she is a perfect fit for this story.

    This chapter didn't have the same description that I loved in the first chapter, but I still thought it was good. It had a lot in substance and showed an entirely different side. I thought the abusive mom was a nice tough and definitely a realistic addition. There are people who have mothers that behave that way, and I wouldn't be surprised to see those people turn to drugs for comfort.

    Overall

    I think this is a really nice story. I really like the different characters and that readers get to see bits and pieces of their very different lives. I thought you did a good job of making each individual character feel real and unique, which was one of my favorite things about this story. Overall, great job!
    November 12th, 2012 at 02:47am
  • RCL.

    RCL. (100)

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    I can't wait to find out what the last guys like
    October 31st, 2012 at 02:28am
  • TheGoodLlama

    TheGoodLlama (100)

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    I like this a lot, thanks for updating!
    October 31st, 2012 at 12:57am
  • blades

    blades (100)

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    i'm excited to see where you go with this!
    October 29th, 2012 at 10:10pm
  • RCL.

    RCL. (100)

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    i like this story reminds me of skins with less violence and death, so good.
    October 29th, 2012 at 06:40am
  • Fandango

    Fandango (775)

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    Structure and Layout
    Your layout is beautiful; so simple. I love the banner. The movement of your eye emulates (to me, at least) taking a breath and releasing it. Very clever visual device.

    I know it disturbs others, so I just wanted to point out that all your paragraphs are of similar length. Having a variety of lengths causes the story to flow better (apparently). But I can't really say much, as it's one of my flaws.

    Title and Summary
    Without reading the story, the summary is very effective. The use of a question piques the interest of the reader immediately, and you didn't rewrite the story in five lines, which is something that happens far too often. I also love that you included visual representations of your characters. I always love that. And the fact that they're all smoking is very clever.

    The title seems pretty generic, which is something I actually like. I hate titles that give away the entire plot. All in all, very good.

    Spelling and Grammar
    Very good. No glaring errors. You clearly read over this before posting, which I always appreciate. It shows you aren't ashamed of what you've written.

    The only thing I picked up was "Baby, do you want a ride to school?" She called. It should be lowercase "she" after the question mark.

    Plot/Storyline
    Having a question in the very first sentence intrigued me. If the opening paragraph is interesting, it makes me want to read on (obviously).

    I went flying down the street, laughing excruciatingly gleefully at how easy Chandler was to con. I loved this line. "Excruciating" is such a strong adjective. I love it.

    Allie is absolutely horrible (in the best possible way). I want to dislike her so much, but her inner dialogue is so witty and charming, I can't help but adore her. I'm so curious as to what you do with her character.

    Subbing.
    October 28th, 2012 at 06:08pm
  • DominiqueAlexies

    DominiqueAlexies (100)

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    This is so great.
    October 28th, 2012 at 05:59pm
  • Monroe;

    Monroe; (615)

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    I'm a visual spatial learner, so layouts mean something to me. As for yours, it was very presentable; I like the mixture of browns, and the swallows peaking from the side.

    As for your writing, it is like the layout, very presentable. You have a nice flow, good sentence structure and I really find your writing to be attractive. You're not overbearing, it's worded with a sort of catch to it, if you get me?

    I also couldn't help but smirk when she grabbed the bag and did a runner. Reminds me of something I'd do myself. I'm surprised Chandler didn't chase her the whole way home, most dealers would be furious! But considering she's going to repay him in other ways at the end, I guess their on more friendly terms?

    Anyway, I like this. Awesome story line so far.
    October 28th, 2012 at 05:30pm