When Night Breaks - Comments

@ Charlie Chaplin
Thank you oh so much!!! I appriciate that a lot!! Made my night! :)

This is a wonderful story. You have an amazing way of giving the details and secrets at the exactly right time. I have a thing about details, so this story close to perfect if not perfect. I love the way you write. It has a since of simplicity that would be able to make it so much more believable. I love it. The way you write makes it hard to wait for me. I had a hard time stepping away from the computer to get me something to drink. I wanted to know what was going to happen next. I guess that's what happens when I find a good read.

I love how you portray the characters. You make them seem just like people. I know a few people who act like Lacey which just seems to make her an actual person. I love how you don't make Jay out to be a typical supernatural creature like a vampire or a shifter. I like the way it seems that he doesn't really know what he is when it comes to the supernatural part.

The layout is wonderful. It's not too much. I love that it's easy to the eyes. Layouts for the stories on here is just an added bonus for me. I also happen to love the summary. It gives a sense of attraction to me at least to what to know what the story is actually like. I has some sort of flair that is wonderful. You are an amazing writer. I can't wait to read more.

@ EndlessSummerNights.
Thank you!! :)
The first song is "What If I Told You" by Jason Walker and the 2nd is "Walls" by The Rocket Summer.
Thank you for the comment Becca! :)

I liked how Jay saved Samantha (again) in Afraid! What is the song called, by the way?! I also liked how she said he looked nice with out a shirt in Photographs of Pain. And, how he realizes that he is falling in love with her! I can't believe that Jay would consider leaving! But, I'm glad that Lacey is going to know some stuff! :) GOOD JOB!

@ anertanayomi
Thank you so much! :)

Every chapter is going better and better... And again please update soon :)

@ Artist Vs. Poet
You're Welcome!

@ piratetigerllama
Well thank you a lot! I appriciate it! :)

After reading maybe the first paragraph I was instantly hooked.

I don't think I looked deep enough into the prologue and first chapter to really see any mistakes (unless that is because you already fixed it) So props to that.

Over all I think this is amazing and I am looking into actually reading farther from the first chapter.

10 points for Gryffindor!

Since I'm just reading the prologue, my comment is probably going to be more focused on technical and grammatical errors, since there's not really enough information to judge characterization

Whether that’s the name he was born with, is a still a mystery. This is the first problem I noticed. If you're going to use "whether", you have to list two options; for instance, "Whether that was the name he was born with or one he just made up is still a mystery." You could also say, "I still don't know if that's the name he was born with." The comma after "with" is also unecessary.

If I were you, and I know that I'm definitely a hypocrite for criticizing this, I would take the "and" out of the next sentence and replace "whether" with "if"; that eliminates the problem with the "whether" that you had in the first sentence and helps the flow of the paragraph.

Not in the physical sense, although, she was quite beautiful.

The comma after "although" shouldn't be there. I also think you could definitely spice this sentence up; why is she beautiful? Is it her hair, or her eyes, or the way she dances while it's raining? There's a world of characterization opportunities here.

I have no experience with people, especially people like her. And even if the relationship we share puts me at risk, I am willing to chance it.

I would combine these two sentences with a comma, which would eliminate the awkwardness you've got right now with the nonessential clause at the end of the first on.

Something I think you could work on overall is adding more description. Now, I know this was just a prologue, but I think it could've had so much more depth with just a little more exploration into there characters' relationship.

Hope I was helpful!

I love the way the characters are evolving! I'm really curious about how and why Jay can feel what she feels now. I also loved the way you described Jay because it really painted a picture in my mind!

I loved the bit about Walmart because its true where I live! Ian is so creepy though. I don't like him at all. I loved Lacey though she seems like a really good friend.

I'm starting to like Leo. I wish he'd back off a little bit but at least he's just trying to keep them safe. I'm really curious what happened with Kara though.

I feel really bad for Jay after finding out his story. I wasn't expecting anything like that so it was a twist for sure! I feel bad for Samantha too after finding out about her brother.

I'm really excited to find out what is going to happen between Jay and Samantha!

@ Selina_Kyle
Thank you so much!! :) I appreciate it!

@ naruto uzumaki
Thank you so much! I will certainly get on to correcting those mistakes! I appriciate it a whole lot!

summary/first impression
So upon entering your story here, I liked the cleanliness of the layout. I also really like that banner picture you have, it adds a nice touch. When I read the summary it built up my interest especially that last little bit where it says: 'And when nighttime breaks, the monsters come out to play.'

Prologue
I'm curious about Jay, I like the air of mystery about him. The questions of what will happen and what is Jay, popped into my mind as well.

Since it was a short opening, I will continue further to see what else I can find out.

chapter one
I enjoyed her explanations of the darkness and it had a quick feel to it, like in a horror movie you know something is coming, but you don't know what.

I caught this little typo - I seem a shadow pass by

Something that bugged me a bit was the large size of the second paragraph it's just kinda jumbled, I think maybe cut it in half to make it not so overwhelming. That could be me just being picky, but I think it would look a bit cleaner.

This just reads weird to me - I then saw him.

Overall though this first chapter, i liked the suspense and urgency, it grips the reader.

Also I think that 'seen' should be changed to 'watched' it flows a bit better that way I think - were confirmed as I seen this man, this thing, run off.

chapter two
Another short chapter, but I like Jay's character he seems so shy and timid.

I believe the 'seen' would be better as 'saw' - I seen her beauty.

So overall I like this story so far, the chapters are a bit short, but that's really not that much of a problem to me.

I hope my comment helps you out a bit! =)

So I've only read a few chapters and at this point I'm just really eager to comment which is weird cause I've never done that before lol. First things first, I LOVE how beautifully written this story is. I can't find a single flaw about it. The characters and atmosphere are alluring and have me craving me more and more. They set off this spark that just makes me want to sit down and capture every little thing about them. Amazing job girly keep up the fantastic work I can't wait to read more.

@ anertanayomi
Thanks for the comment! I'll be updating in the next few days!

Please update soon!!!!!!!!!!!

Poor Leo! I love this update and Jay is going to be super jealous of Shane! Stuff is gonna go down!!! :-)

@ Artist Vs. Poet

Just finished Chapter 17, AHH!!! Who is Kara OMG!!! Please update soon!!!

@ midnight sunshine x
Thank you so so much! I am so great full for the comment! I'm currently reading yours and going to comment soon! :)

I love Lacey, she is so over excitable and hilarious. Sammy is like, some hot guy likes me, ok. Whereas Lacey is: "Omg!!! the world is amazing even though this guy isn't even into me!" the way you portrayed her has made me take a liking to her, she's, as Sammy describe her, insane!!

I loved the way Jay described Sammy's eyes in Chapter 5, the adjectives made the imagery really vivid and it gave the impression that not only did Jay admire her eyes, he was almost jealous of them, the fact they are human and his aren't.

I agree with Diligence, it's very Twilight, the fact Sammy can't dance very well and the whole sexy mysteriousness about Jay. I love Twilight!!! So it's makes me love this story even more!

In Chapter 7 I like how Jay is confused as to whether what he is doing is creepy or not, stressing further his un-humanness (don't think that word exists, but YOLO!). I think it was really sweet that Jay was jealous of Ian, like he had some sort of cosmic connection with Sammy, and even sweeter that he abandons his own wants with thinking really selflessly that Sammy was better off without him. I love this character so much!!! He is soooo sweet!!!

In previous chapters I thought, awww Ian, looks like a tough sporty guy but he's really sensitive. How wrong was I!? I love the way you write, I actually connect with the characters which enables me to get into the story more. I love how Jay defended Sammy and dealt with Evil Ian. WOO!!

I love how in Chapter 9 Jay describes his stalking as stealth following! It shows that he doesn't understand that he doesn't think like a human. I love how frank Sammy is: "Are you a stalker?" The revelation that Ian had been stalking her makes me hate him even more, UGH! Jay really comes across as the sexy, mysterious hero in chapter 9, I like it!!!

Chapter 13!!! Now we're figuring out Jay, I'm so glad I'm reading this story now because the way you space out information really keeps the reader interested and I would have been DYING for the update!!! The way you write is so intriguing, as are the characters you have developed.

I feel really sorry for Jay and the way you write is really emotive. And I really really want the two of them to be together!!!

I am up to Chapter 16 so far and I am loving it, this comment is extremely long, but you are really talented and I am sooo hooked so you really deserve a long comment. Thank you for creating that blog, I don't think I ever would have found this story if you hadn't!!! xxx :-)