When Night Breaks - Comments

Oh woops, I realized I had read your story and not yet commented. So you had me pretty interested after the point where Sam sees Jay following her and googles what he is. Though I thought it was a little Twilight-ish I find the use of google funny/nice in stories and movies because it makes the characters seem more real.

I don't feel as though I really got it know much about Sam within the chapters I read, I felt like she was just a character really, I do understand it's hard to characterize while moving the plot forward, it's just something that will have to be worked on or practiced. Granted, I might just be me.
I also felt as though Jay was more fleshed out because he was less plot-drive. But again, might just be me.

You should separate the paragraphs and dialogue with another line but it might just be messed up because I'm not on a computer.

Overall this is a nice story, it's pretty interesting and the mystery is good to keep the reader wanted more.

@ BaconTommyVicious
Thank you!

From Comment Swap, I like your story, I have only read the prologue and first chapter, but you have a pretty good writing style. There are some things you could add to give your story more description, but other than that everything is fine.

Keep up the good work!

@ PresleyRenee
Well thank you so much! For reading and commenting! I appreciate it!

I got this story in the comment swap and I've actually already read it! I still really enjoy it. The layout is really fitting for the story and I love the characterization of Samantha and Jay and how you switch between their points of view; they're very lovable characters!
Great job!!

@ xerinxelizabethx17
Thank you so much! :) I appreciate the comment! I will certainly look to add more description! :)

i really like that you switch back and forth between the points of views of the two main characters that's how my stories are too and it for sure keeps the readers interested to see the story unfolds for each of the characters. i would how ever try to use a little more description to pull the readers in further seeing as the chapter lengths are a little short it would have helped me get even more into it if there was a little more depth. the mystery of jay is a great thing to have because it makes me want to read more to find out more about him. so great job so far!

@ Artist Vs. Poet
Oh, I must've missed the speed and stuff. I'm glad to have been of assistance!

@ TabbyKitty13
I'll try to add more description of stuff.
As for the grammar, I had planned anyway to do through and re read it and fix the grammar mistakes.
As for the pacing, u see what you're saying but it wasn't just the eyes that caused her to be concerned. It does say he moved with great sore and agility that he was gone before she could see where he went. That was the main reason she felt like googling him, because no human can move that fast.
I did the POV that way so the readers can get both sides so it isn't so one sided and focused on one character. Maybe I can re write it in third person.
And thank you for the comment, I appreciate the critique! It's all stuff I will certainly look over! It wasn't mean, and I hope my reply wasn't either. Lol. I will definitely consider everything you've said.

There are quite a few things in this that could use some tweaking. It's a really interesting concept, and I feel that with some help, it can be improved dramatically.

The number one thing I would recommend it more description. It can help lengthen the story while also allowing the readers to get a firm visual on what you want them to see. Right now, I can say the description is lacking, and mostly working off of dialogue, thought, and action.

Another thing to focus on is your use of seen. More often than not, you're using it in the very wrong context. "I seen her blue eyes." as an example, is really grammatically incorrect. "I had seen her blue eyes." or "I saw her blue eyes."

Another thing I would focus on is the pacing. I thought it was really a sudden thing that Samantha would just go straight home and look him it. He hadn't done anything outstanding aside from his eyes, and most people would probably overlook that. I just thought the pacing was really past.

The frequency of the POV change might be something that could throw a reader off. I'm not saying you absolutely need to change it - to each their own, right? - but personally, I would choose one character to focus on, then maybe periodically throw in a section with Jay's thoughts or Samantha's, when it would help the growth of the story.

I really hope I helped, and I'm truly sorry if I sounded mean - I wasn't trying to! I think you have a really interesting concept, I really do, and I wish you the best of luck in writing this piece!

Comment swap bought me here. I have to now before i go any further that i only read to chapter 6.

The layout is very hard to read after a while the large paragraphs. But this is properly just me, I dyslectic.

I really like the plot and where it was going. The characters are interesting and well developed.
There are a few grammar mistakes in it, an a spelling mistake or two. So if you have a moment i sit through an reread it.

Your writing style is really unique. I did like what I did read.

@ KarlinKJ
Thank you! (:

@ little bird;
Thank you, I appreciate it!
I actually didn't even notice that error! Thank you for pointing that out. I went back and spaced them out!
Thanks again

I really enjoy the back and forth point of views. It really adds to the story.

I'm enjoying this story so far. It's moving along at a great pace and has great climatic intervals in the plot. I definitely want to read more. :)
Just so this doesn't get taken down for going against guidelines, I have to suggest that you space out the paragraphs in your chapters. The block format isn't allowed.
There are a few grammatical errors here and there, but they're not a big deal. :)
I hope you continue this! It's an awesome story.

@ PresleyRenee
Thank you!!
I've experimented some with the layout and I'm never quite satisfied! That's something I'll certainly work on! Thanks again!

I really like this so far! The plot is very interesting and I like your character developments!
I don't really care for your layout/background, however. It gets kind of hard to read it after a while.
Great job so far(:

@ km23
Thank you so much! It's much appreciated!! :)

I really like stories that have a bit of mystery to them so I was so happy when I started reading! I love how you aren't putting every detail out there right away. Everything is building instead of just being there from the get go and I think that is awesome. I laughed at the part about google because it is so true! I really like Samantha so far. I love how it isn't just Samantha that is in the dark about Jay, I like how you you are building up the reader to find out what he is too! I really like it :) Definitely an enjoyable read!