This was really, really interesting to read. The layout is very nice and easy to read from, and the story switches so well between dark and mysterious imagery to the real point of the story. There’s a good balance in there that makes it enjoyable and exciting.
3 points of improvement: 1. I know it’s probably intentional, but some of the long comma-less sentences were a bit difficult to get through. In the first paragraph especially it wasn’t as necessary as it could have been, so you could’ve either built up more tension to use it or just stick a comma in.
2. Another thing about sentences. There were quite a few with too many clauses that could have done with a full stop or two. The end of the third paragraph has a bit of this, then maybe the start of the fourth. Perhaps just a few more short sentences in there.
3. The only other thing I could find was tiny tense changes. ‘It’s silly, but I feel like this piece of newspaper was like a castle.’ Oh, and at one point you used ‘you’ instead of ‘your.’ Just a few tiny things.
Thank you so much! This really was a great entry and so fun to read too. It was strange, but at the same time I understood the plot and knew how the girl was feeling. The imagery of the world around her was good too, and really made a dark atmosphere to match with how dark a life the boy had and how desperate she was.
3 points of improvement:
1. I know it’s probably intentional, but some of the long comma-less sentences were a bit difficult to get through. In the first paragraph especially it wasn’t as necessary as it could have been, so you could’ve either built up more tension to use it or just stick a comma in.
2. Another thing about sentences. There were quite a few with too many clauses that could have done with a full stop or two. The end of the third paragraph has a bit of this, then maybe the start of the fourth. Perhaps just a few more short sentences in there.
3. The only other thing I could find was tiny tense changes. ‘It’s silly, but I feel like this piece of newspaper was like a castle.’ Oh, and at one point you used ‘you’ instead of ‘your.’ Just a few tiny things.
Thank you so much! This really was a great entry and so fun to read too. It was strange, but at the same time I understood the plot and knew how the girl was feeling. The imagery of the world around her was good too, and really made a dark atmosphere to match with how dark a life the boy had and how desperate she was.
Well done and good luck!