The Business of Being - Comments

“I think… I know I need help. I need help."

Yay for Ryan You have ruined me as always

(More ?)

Here from le comment swap.
Well to be completely honest, I'm not really into Panic, but that didn't stop me from enjoying your story, I didn't find myself lost and trying to figure out some inside joke or anything, so kudos for that! I like your layout, it's very pretty, the banner you've used is cool and it's definitely readable, which is always a plus. You are so descriptive, I mean the way you write is almost effortless, but it flows so well. The way you tell the story saying 'half empty smiles' of the way you have short sentences out on their own, it's something I wouldn't think of doing, but it adds so much to the story. You have such strong emotions in this, but you write them in the simplest of ways. I feel for Ryan, I really do. I can see that he was trying, but it's almost as if he was getting nowhere... Anywho, very well done!

I caaaaaan't. Great chapter.

This is really well written. It's really good.

He's been listening to that song by Damien Rice, the one that screams fuck you and all we've been through, that kind of makes him want to call bullshit on the world

You're such an angster Bden BUT RYAN COULD FIX IT ALL.

His call waiting beeps in the distance. He ignores it.

But it's so hard because they just want to be happy together why is everything so complicated it just hurts all of my insides





"Brendon...? It's me... it's... it's Ryan. Could you... call me whenever you get this, okay? Okay. Uh. Bye. This is Ryan--"

Fuck you, fuck you, I love you.

JUST... LOVE EACH OTHER PLEASE. PLEASE. GODDAMMIT TRACY.

“You feel…” Ian hisses against Brendon’s cheek, breath sour from beer and vinegar chips and kissing for hours. His fingertips trace the skin of Brendon’s sides, and it’s sweet and soft and warm, like cautious hope.

Ian is no replacement for Ryan [translation=I'm dying inside]

"Just… thanks for the fuck,” Brendon says

Lord, he's so broken

“I hope one day you can be,” he whispers

Bden

Also wanted to say, still loving the layout. Really freakin' fantastic layout.

God, you have my heart aching for RyRo. He's so emotionally fucked up that he's fucking everything else up too, and it's killer to watch. Jesus. How much longer can the pain go on? This is intense.

“I can’t believe you did this.”

WTF SPENCER. He's the one that left. SPENCER YOU LEFT HIM WTF

“I needed the money.”

See, this hurts. Cause instead of looking for a regular job Ryan falls into his self loathing and goes to a porn job MAKING ME CRY AND WHY YOU MAKE IT ACHE IN ALL THESE PLACES.

“I don’t want you to hate me because of this.”

CAUSE HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO HELP HIM SPENCER HE NEEDS YOU OMFG

Spencer makes a sound, something small and hurt in the back of his throat, and Ryan is too anxious to turn around, too afraid to assess the damage.

RYAN IS SO SCARED ALL THE TIME CAUSE HE DOESN'T LIKE HIMSELF AND WHY WOULDN'T OTHER PEOPLE SEE WHAT HE SEES AND LEAVE HIM? Cause he'd leave himself too Like Brendon did DON'T TELL ME IF I'M WRONG I'M DYING HERE.

Spencer takes a step forward, and then they’re embracing, Ryan engulfed in Spencer, and he still smells like home even though he doesn’t, not really. Different cigarettes and different soap and different house, but still Spencer.

RYAN STILL NEEDS YOU SPENCE. They're so codependent it's so unhealthy but I can't imagine them without each other oh lord all the feelings

“I’ll come back. Just say it and I’ll come back,” he says, smoothing a hand down Ryan’s back. It's a comforting lie.

SEE LOOK AT THIS. Spencer needs Ry to be happy, he'd even lie to him

“You are a mess, Ryan Ross,” Spencer mumbles, and Ryan’s body shakes with a laughter that bubbles all the way from his soul.

“Always have been, always will be.”

Spencer stops moving, pushes Ryan away until he’s holding him by the shoulders. “Fuck you,” he says affectionately. “Not always.”

Ryan stares into his eyes, searching for the punchline, but it never comes. All he finds is a hardness, a boldness that he doesn't remember being there before. “Spencer…”

THIS IS SUCH A BIG QUOTE BUT I LOVE THE ALL OF IT CAUSE LOOK, they're laughing like they used to, and then THE SUBTLE CHANGES. The small ones that remind you "hey, he isn't happy anymore, and hey spencer moved on without him" oh lord I am done

His heart feels devastatingly empty. MINE DOES TOO

Ryan stands in the cold of the refrigerator until it dries the tears on his cheeks.

DEAD.

UPDATES YESSSSSSSSSSS

“I just really don’t want to –”

“I can’t put you in front of the camera with another guy, Ryan. You know –”

“Jesus. Fuck. I know. I know. Okay. I will. I’ll do it, I’ll—”

What the fuck are you doing? WHY.... Ehhh ehh.... Ehh(that's me whimpering btw... For future reference)

trailing a finger up his chest in a way that should be provocative but leaves him with bile rising in his throat.

Ehhhh.... You are destroying my soul I WANT TO CRY ACTUAL TEARS PLEASE I JUST WANNA LET IT ALL OUT RYAN LOVE YOURSELF AND YOUR BODY YOU GO GIRL.

Ryan thinks, This is me now.

Ryan thinks, I don’t know who I am anymore.

MY SOUL YOU ARE TEARING IT TO SHREDS I AM COMING APART IT LOOKS LIKE A TORN UP CURTAIN LIKE YOU TOOK YOUR RAZOR CLAWS AND JUST SHREDDED IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN WHAT IS MY LIFE WAAAAAAAAAAAH

“Fuck kid,” Pete hisses, and his fingers touch Ryan’s elbow, and he sighs like it hurts to even look at him. I am crying all the tears fuck you TRACY with all the man pain.

It was almost worth it.

IT IS DONE. THERE IS NOTHING LEFT OF ME. THANKS.

Ryan is breaking my heart.

Yep, still slowly killing me with feels with this fic.

Dying... Slowly fucking dying because of that last update

It breaks my heart that he's still trying. Idk it sort of reminds me of a more liberal version is myself, as I think I'd suffer in silence and just stop reaching out after I realise someone's busy.

Idk man I feel like my emotions have been short fused by this fic; it's everything I want to read and wish I could write.

Some days Ryan goes to see Spencer, but that stops after a while.

(He's busy and Jon is busy and he has a life that Ryan is just a part of now instead of an extension.)
GOOD LORD THEY'RE GROWING APART BUT RYAN NEEDS SPENCER MY GOD.

(It's hard enough to walk to the kitchen to take his pills - it's hard enough to convince himself to swallow each one.)
What have you done...

“I feel like if he was here, it wouldn’t be like this,” he tells Spencer, but the line is static-y and he isn’t sure he can even hear him.“It’s like he’s dead… like, maybe I killed him.”
A;ODFKLJ ;DFKJA AASDFK JQQW O;AGH ;AFHK J J

EXCUSE ME A SEARCH AND RESCUE PARTY MUST SAVE ME FROM THIS AVALANCHE OF FEELS

Spencer coughs, voice breathless from laughing and smoking up and being happy. “I miss you too, Ry. But I’ll see you this weekend okay?”

SPENCER YOU MADE BRENDON LEAVE AND FIX IT

;ALDKFJO;WEIH;AODFIJ;LADJF;AKLDHF < The feels ladies and gentlemen. Those are my feels.

“Pete,” he chokes down the line. Pete's breath hitches and Ryan knows he’s got him exactly where he wants him.

WHAT THE FUCKEN FUCK NUGGETS NO NO NO NO NO NO NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO NO

“Spencer, Spencer I want to come home.”

WTF TRACY RYAN DON'T WORRY LET ME HOLD YOU PLEASE RYAN I REALLY WANT TO HOLD YOU OH MY GOD.

“I thought I could fix you.”

You... what.... why would you do this to me...

Ryan collapses on the motel bed, touches his chest, feels like he’s burning alive. He fists the sheets until his knuckles turn white. “Please.”

I SERIOUSLY DON'T UNDERSTAND TRACY WHAT THE FUCK.

This story is one of those things that makes me certain I'm a masochist. Every single line is written so that the emotions are overwhelming, and I'm always left staring at the screen when I finish a chapter, unable to form words. I just want there to be one moment of happiness for Ryan, but now with the way Brendon reacted to seeing him, my hope is dying. This is amazing and I'm jealous of your skills.

It’s like he’s been drunk for the last eight years. He can’t remember how to get back to the way it was before.

YOU SO HAVE JUST BB ACCEPT IT I LOVE YOU

He never felt welcome until he was safely in Brendon’s apartment, in his bedroom, pretending they couldn’t hear the sounds of Brendon’s neighbours;
BRENDON YOU MAKE RYAN FEEL SAFE THAT'S SOMETHING SPECIAL ALRIGHT

He never felt welcome (never felt happy) until he could sit with Brendon pressed against his side,
GOD YOU'RE KILLING ME. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPENING. LET IT. PLEASE?!

He left Brendon here, slate walls and no hope.
Ryan I love you but sometimes...

He can taste the guilt on his tongue.
That's beautiful bb.

He looks. He looks fine. He smells like cigarettes and the apartment is warm and he looks fine.
RYAN JUST WANTS TO MAKE SURE HE'S ALRIGHT AND ASK HIM TO GIVE LOVE IS THAT OKAY? OKAY?! OKAY.

I missed you, I missed you. Fuck. I love you, don't give up on me,
THAT'S THE SADDEST THING

"You – I can't believe I fucking trusted you." BRENDON. BRENDON PLEASE BB?

He looks as gray as the walls, as the stale sheets and thin blankets and the long-sleeved shirt Spencer silently handed him last night after practice.
I love that I get to see the before because it's so important you know bb?

Brendon clings to Ryan, and his whole body burns. "You left... you were gone, you were gone."

BRENDON BB. BRENDON WHY?

“He deserved it,”

Spencer, Ryan doesn't want to hear that.

“Dad,” he whispers, and it feels foreign. It makes his stomach ache, because he remembers, even when he tries to forget.

WHAT IS THAT TRACY WHY DO YOU MAKE ME CRY RYAN YOU DESERVE BETTER AND I JUST WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY OKAY? PLEASE?

Sometimes Ryan dreams of falling into that grave.

Sometimes Ryan doesn’t mind so much.

WHAT

HOW. WHY. RYAN.

He's done letting people go. He knows Spencer understands.

I really hope this means he's going after Brendon. Is that what this means? Please?

If he ever sees Spencer again, he’ll be with Jon.

If he ever sees Spencer again, he won’t be with Ryan.

IT'S LIKE I SO GET IT OKAY BECAUSE YOU HAVE THESE PEOPLE THAT USED TO BE YOURS AND THEN THEY'RE JUST NOT.



Ryan fiercely thinks I don’t want to lose you, and pretends it isn’t irrational yet real enough to burn.

I seriously want to cry. Like real tears. And I'm a really ugly crier Tracy.

Right before he turns away, Spencer mouths, You'll be fine.

WHAT. WHAT IS THAT IT'S BEAUTIFUL AND IT HURTS LIKE A MOFO AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW ELSE TO SAY IT.

I'm glad he's leaving. I hope he's going after Brendon. I really hope he does. He just like, He needs something of his own.

HE NEEDS A BRENDON, IS WHAT IT IS.

YOU UPDATED

“I’m leaving,” Ryan says. “After graduation, I’m leaving.”

How could you, Ryan? You're killing me Tracy, with your first line!

Brendon stares at the side of Ryan’s face, and he’s silently begging for Ryan. He’s always begging for Ryan, even when he isn’t looking. He still thinks Ryan doesn’t know. Ryan still lets him.

WHAT IS THAT. THAT'S PERFECT. THAT'S TRAGIC. MY GOD I CAN'T GET OVER IT. MAYBE IT'S MY FAVORITE LINE IN THE WHOLE THING IT'S JUST PERFECTION AND IT MAKES ME so so sad.

“Ryan,” he says, and it would mean everything if it wasn’t today.

I can just hear it.

Ryan finally looks him in the eye. “You’ll get over it.”

Ryan. Ryan oh my god, you can't just say that Ryan. RYAN.

But he has never seen a smile look so sad.

“I don’t think you can ever get over someone like you.”

That's so beautiful. Tracy, that's so beautiful. TRACY. THIS IS THE BEST.

It’s a Vegas code and when he calls back, the number is not available. It takes Spencer fifteen minutes to convince Ryan to stop clutching the receiver in his hand, and later he’s got a bruise on his wrist.

He presses his fingers to it and watches Spencer count nickels for rent.

That might be one of the saddest things I've ever read.

Spencer smiles a lot at Jon; most of the time Jon isn’t even looking.

I really want to be sad for Ryan, but the Joncer



“I’m moving in with Jon.”

OMFG

“I don’t want you to,” Ryan whispers, because it’s the truth, and if anything he has to be honest with Spencer. He always is. He always wants to be.

Goddammit Ryan. Goddammit. I was happy for two seconds and now TRAGEDY OKAY?

“Don’t go… don’t go.”

GODDAMMIT SPENCER. RYAN NEEDS YOU You're both being so selfish, my god, just ask Jon to move in with YOU.

“Don’t let me lose someone else,” Ryan wishes he doesn’t say, but it’s Spencer. It’s always Spencer.

Spencer’s face breaks. “Then stop letting the people who care about you go.”

GODDAMMIT TRACY.

GODDAMMIT THESE ARE REAL TEARS.

I'm coming down from a caffeine high and this made me cry. I swear to god you're breaking my heart.