Normally I don't comment on stories like these, however I think you have a good idea and I think it could be really great. The only problem is is all the errors in it and the lack of spacing between paragraphs.
This story is actually in many violations of Mibba rules as far as the grammar aspect is concerned. I highly suggest you go back in and fix all the capitalization errors.
Such as people's names, your 'i's' and places and what not. I also encourage you to use quotation marks for when someone is speaking to make it less confusing. And also space out the paragraphs so it doesn't look like a huge block of words.
If you fix those things this story would just be much more pleasant to read, otherwise it's kind defers people from wanting to read due to all the mistakes and no spacing or quotations. My biggest suggestion is to get a proof reader to help space things out and fix little things you miss.
The only problem is is all the errors in it and the lack of spacing between paragraphs.
This story is actually in many violations of Mibba rules as far as the grammar aspect is concerned.
I highly suggest you go back in and fix all the capitalization errors.
Such as people's names, your 'i's' and places and what not.
I also encourage you to use quotation marks for when someone is speaking to make it less confusing.
And also space out the paragraphs so it doesn't look like a huge block of words.
If you fix those things this story would just be much more pleasant to read, otherwise it's kind defers people from wanting to read due to all the mistakes and no spacing or quotations.
My biggest suggestion is to get a proof reader to help space things out and fix little things you miss.
Otherwise happy writing and good luck.