Merry Christmas from Jail - Comments

I do like the character of Carmen you've portrayed. She seems really realistic with how old people are sometimes all alone with no one to care about them in the way that they want. I also like how you weaved the Christmas cheer into this entry, taking it from a sad, depressing start to a warmly ending.

The dashes that you've used instead of the speech marks do take a bit out of this story, as does the flow of some of the sentences. You might want to read through and link up some shorter sentences so that they don't sound as choppy as they do and so that they flow better.

It's a nice entry to the contest!

Hi, I'm a judge from the Pick a Present Contest.

I really like the character you're creating in Carmen as a woman nearing the end of her life who feels imprisoned.

"A nurse came in her room without asking, without a smile."
This line for me is really brief, but without using the words "jail" or "prison," explains why this woman feels like she's trapped.

- ''Hi.
- Hey sweetheart. It’s grandma. Merry Christmas my love.
- Oh grandma! I miss you! Are you coming home to help me open my gifts in the morning?''

I'm not sure why you have the dashes (-) in your dialog; it makes the story look unedited. In fact, there are a lot of grammatical and spelling errors holding this story back. You might be able to get some help with editing in the Editing and Proofreading thread.

I thought the ending was filled with Holiday cheer and happily wrapped things up, though if you wanted to, you could make her encounter with her son a dream as well, and really drive home the theme of being trapped in the hospital.

You've developed a great character and a great plot filled with memories, and I really enjoyed reading this. Thanks so much for entering!