Heavy Kisses and Butterfly Wings - Comments

  • king.

    king. (150)

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    The room starts to spin and your thoughts start to echo. They fly through your head like birds through a clear blue sky.
    Anybody would say that your double use of "through" in the second sentence is repetitive, but I disagree. I disagree so much. The two throughs show how the thoughts, soaring from your mind, miles above your head, intertwine with the birds. It completes the metaphor beautifully.

    But your heads not clear, no; it’s a thunderstorm of words, all colliding with an earsplitting crash that makes you pull at your hair relentlessly.
    I lovelovelovelove this line because it's a perfect combination of physical, emotional and mental WANT for Brendon. But, as you think about the meaning of the sentence more, you can't decide if he's talking about Bren or if he's talking about his next fix. Maybe, for Ryan, one desire matches the other. Ryan loves his liquid drugs as much as he loves his love drug.

    He loves the way you start to tremble and your eyes become like midnight, all dark and scary. He loves the way his name spills from your lips, sounding slurred, but more musical than ever. He’ll follow you then, into a lustful land of drugs where the sky is made of metaphors and your eyes dart around so fast you’re afraid they’ll fall right out of your head.
    Swoon fucking. beautiful. so effing amazing. Aarrg, Jess... this paragraph is brilliant. It's brilliant and beautiful and it makes your mouth fall open in awe. I can hardly believe that any combonation of words can be so breathtaking.

    ...but once you’re both naked, you just barely realize that it’s not the clothes that were making your skin itch, it’s your skin.
    This sentence and the paragraph around it, makes you understand the weird, psycho almost-mental effects of the drug. It's not just the high, the swooping sensation and being carried away from anything that makes your skin crawl. The drugs themselves, so anticipated and needed, are the ones that force tiny bugs under the skin. Once again, amazing.

    His fingers dance across your buzzing flesh and you love the way your skin becomes fire under his touch. It feels like your skin’s melting from the heat where his skin meets yours, but you hardly care. You’d become a burn victim if it meant he’d never stop holding you.
    Another effect of the drug. This time, a more emotional one. It's not just the high Ryan wants, no. He longs for everything that comes with it. The intensified feelings, the overdramatic responses that makes the littlest details blow up a million times their size. He's hyper-aware of everything and in this paragraph, he couldn't want it any other way.

    His full lips move over your own and for a moment you forget what you’re supposed to do.
    In Love this line is so effing adorable... hewjhrejrkieuui oooh, it makes my chest hurts it's so sweetly adorable, even if it's sweetened with the artifical taste of drugs.

    Your giggle makes your ears ring; you don’t make sense. This doesn’t make sense. But you just don’t care. You feel too good and you just want more. More heat, more itching, more thoughts, more skin, more Brendon. More, more, more.
    This goes along with what I said earlier, right? How Ryan wants every bit of the drug. He wants to feel anything, everything, and not be cheated out of a second of this blissful, hazy heaven.

    The rooms an inferno of slurred words and bruising kisses. You cry out when his hand runs down your side because everything’s too much. Senses heightened. You smell the sweat, you smell the lust.
    And now Ryan's had too much. He's getting overwhelmed but he's too far in stop. And he doesn't really want to stop. He's unstable... one minute all he wants is speed. He wants fast times (at ridgemont high XD) and then suddenly it's to fast. 160 mph, his skin being pushed back and hair ripping from his skull in the dangerous, perilous winds.

    Vulgar hips move together, thrusts eager with the need for more pleasure.
    This is the only line in the whole story that I have a problem with. And it's not even the line, it's more the word vulgar. Unless vulgar has gotten a new meaning on Mibba since I last went on, it seriously doesn't fit. A minute ago, it was beautiful and overwhelming and had a certain mystique to it. Now, it's vulgar? I dunno... maybe it's just me, but vulgar changes everything.

    ...just a sliver of this unfocused reality present in your lyrical masterpieces.
    Ehwideuriwiu >.< I'm going to end up quoting everything in this story because everything is so effing beautiful!!

    Brendon just stares down at you, finger tips ghosting over your strong jaw. His eyes are windows to his soul and you can see the love clearly through the beautiful irises.
    It's lines like this one that assure the reader that they're not just fuck buddies after sticking a needle in their arms. Bren and Ryan love each other. They really do... but sometimes loving each other isn't enough.

    Fuck you numb so you’ll never have to feel this kaleidoscope of emotions again.
    Favorite line. I don't really even know why... but it's my favorite single line.

    It’s not that easy to say no anymore.
    Addicts. Addiction is hard. You describe that perfectly.

    Hip bones meet in an elegant fashion...
    :/ from vulgar to elegant?

    Moans, gasps, and pants spill from both your mouths and this is the chorus of your next song, you fucking swear to it.
    I have to ask, where the hell did you get your brilliance?

    “Love you, Ry,” he chants into your neck with each thrust. His words are the ink tattooed into your skin; permanent and meaningful.
    :XD you're making me jealous. I want to be able to have skill like this; come up with sentences that make you think and wonder with unabashed awe. So beautiful and graceful... they're like lyrics, spoken along to a melody that never ends and never stops being sweet to your ears.

    You can feel your heart catch fire within your own chest, because god, you’re so in love with this boy.
    And now Ryan's coming down from the high. he's almost back to where he started and again, you know that it's love. Pure love.

    Er, I've never been good at reviewing sex scenes, but the scenes you had were both hot and meaningful. It meshes with Ryan's feelings, his high and the love he feels for Bren. It was awesome, to say the least.

    The silence envelopes you both again, and you grasp for his trembling hand, seeking reassurance in the thread of his strong fingers with your own. You leave a fumbling kiss on his lips and wait for the shattering fall back into reality.
    Perfect closing.
    Perfect.

    I don't have much crit except for: watch your run-ons. There are a few run on sentences. But, I'm not sure, you might have done those on purpose to help represent the out-of-mind state Ryan was in. His thoughts are all jumbled together and fly from one thing to the next, over and over again. It makes sense.

    Another thing, your grammar was a little off. Specifically with apostrophes and the contractions of "it is." I'd look up those rules for a refresher if I were you Smiley

    Other than that, this story was beautifully written and even more beautifully presented. It's pure gold.

    Take care.
    :]

    Btw, this is my first review in a while... I hope it was satisfactory.

    :arms:
    April 23rd, 2008 at 05:33pm
  • jesslovespanic

    jesslovespanic (100)

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    stellastarr:
    That was very very good. Especially the descriptions, that was awsome!
    I agree 100%
    This was absolutely brillaint, I've decided. The descriptions, MORE THAN AWESOME.
    April 22nd, 2008 at 11:08am
  • lauraxwooosh

    lauraxwooosh (100)

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    WOW!
    Your fucking awesome!
    I loved the picture of they syringes too!
    April 20th, 2008 at 07:07pm
  • junior

    junior (150)

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    That was brilliant.
    I loved it.
    ;D
    April 20th, 2008 at 01:01am
  • Rowan Mayfair.

    Rowan Mayfair. (100)

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    Wow that was...amazing. It was beautiful, it really was. Your descriptions were simply spectacular, the imagery you used was brillant.

    I could honestly feel the emotions on every line, I could, as someone else said, almost feel what Ryan was feeling because you described it so well.

    His kisses make you fly, his touches make you fall. It’s like a twisted wonderland. You want out, but at the same time you never want to leave.

    I love this line - It's one of those lines which made me almost completely understand what Ryan was feeling, I felt like I was right there in the story with him, feeling every emotion that he did. It's like a twisted wonderland. For some reason, there's something about that line that really hit me. I love it.

    You put so much depth and emotion into what could have easily just been one simple scene that I'm in awe, I swear. I simply cannot get over the beauty and the brillance of this story. :)

    You leave a fumbling kiss on his lips and wait for the shattering fall back into reality.

    This last line finishes the fic perfectly, and after I finished reading I too felt like I'd just come "back into reality". I was caught up in the story and your descriptions that I'd completely forgotten everything else.

    It was fantastic and amazingly well written. =)
    April 19th, 2008 at 10:51pm
  • devil's trap

    devil's trap (150)

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    That was beautiful. I don't really understand why more people haven't commented this. The passion in it and the words are just to die for. You could almost feel how Ryan was feeling thanks to your description. How the drugs changed his emotions after every few seconds, how Brendon changed how he felt, as well...

    Very good writing. (:
    April 19th, 2008 at 07:21pm
  • HEARTLESSnumber9

    HEARTLESSnumber9 (150)

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    That was very very good. Especially the descriptions, that was awsome!
    April 19th, 2008 at 07:10am