No Place for Us - Comments

  • n. josten

    n. josten (1270)

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    Ghoul of 2016
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    I’m here to judge for the ‘A Heart Break Is Different Each Time Writing Contest’.

    I really like how you chose to do the whole Romeo and Juliet concept. It’s really hard to pull this trope off well because it’s a common one and there’s a lot of clichés that you can accidentally fall into, but it’s also easy to make it an enjoyable classic—which I definitely think you did. I enjoyed the whole “werewolves from different packs” because I don’t think I’ve read that before, which automatically breaks you away from the pack (pun intended?). It’s usually a human and a supernatural creature, or what have you, so it was a refreshing approach.

    I liked how you described how Jade felt with Part of me had stressed that I would never have found that person. Now I stressed that I had. I stressed that I had walked right into the quicksand of love. Stupid, ignorant, passionate love. Because in this sentence, you managed to capture both the passion on their love and the stress of it being forbidden—how Jade couldn’t find some serenity in finding love like most would because it was deemed “wrong”. I liked the use of ‘stupid’ and ‘ignorant’ because it felt like Jade was beating herself up for loving the wrong guy, even though all she wanted to do was enjoy the bliss that love is supposed to have.

    I thought you balanced it well and the way you delivered the surprise was a good method. It gets the reader all soft and comfortable, like Jade and Amir were, and then the harsh cruelty of reality crashes down. It made the pain of Jade’s heartbreak and misery stand out with a little more sharpness and clarity for me, as a reader—to see and feel how they were before rather than have Jade just tell the readers. It was a great way to go about things. Though, by looking at past comments, I can see that you intended for the story to focus more on the mystery of whether or not Amir was alive – but as a reader, I kind of naturally assumed he was dead. Mostly because of how you wrote it and hinted towards a certain ending. I definitely think if you want to focus more on a mysterious aspect, you should expand this into a chaptered story because as it stands now, I assume Amir is dead and that’s really it.

    Overall, I enjoyed this story. Your writing style is simplistic with a certain depth, which I enjoyed because it kept me focused but didn’t overwhelm me, and your storytelling skills are lovely. Fantastic job!
    May 31st, 2017 at 01:25am
  • discoveringclouds

    discoveringclouds (200)

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    @ dancingskiingwriter
    That's better than the original, I really hate tragedies..i mean seriously, hope is much better. :)
    March 12th, 2013 at 10:48pm
  • dancingskiingwriter

    dancingskiingwriter (100)

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    Yeah, I wasn't going for the whole Romeo and Juliet thing... Just the mystery of the tragedy :) but yeah, this would probably be the start of the story
    March 12th, 2013 at 10:25pm
  • discoveringclouds

    discoveringclouds (200)

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    @ dancingskiingwriter
    If you'd like, but Romeo and Juliet is so over done... I'm sure you could think of something even more creative, and not so tragic...

    hahaha God hasn't published your love story yet...PFFFFFT!!! That's hilarious. But who knows, maybe these are just the first few chapters?
    March 12th, 2013 at 10:21pm
  • dancingskiingwriter

    dancingskiingwriter (100)

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    @ discoveringclouds
    I was just leaving it as a mystery... I've been thinking about extending it to a chapter story, should I?
    March 12th, 2013 at 10:19pm
  • discoveringclouds

    discoveringclouds (200)

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    Has he been killed off :(?
    March 12th, 2013 at 10:15pm
  • galassia.

    galassia. (100)

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    I really liked the back ground story of their love, even though it was just a dream. It gave me an idea of where each of the characters came from. The details added a sense of realism to them because everyone has a story. Props to making it a supernatural love-not-so-love story. I adore those. The ending was a bit of a cliff hanger, all she knew was that they were torn apart. She wasn't for sure if he was gone for good, or if there was the slightest bit of hope he'd still be alive. Very nice. :)
    December 13th, 2012 at 04:37am
  • dancingskiingwriter

    dancingskiingwriter (100)

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    Haha thankies :3
    December 12th, 2012 at 12:28pm
  • MrDraperyFalls

    MrDraperyFalls (100)

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    Likesssssss it. :)
    December 12th, 2012 at 04:13am