Thanks so much for the entry! And for being the first fanfiction entrant (it was a really nice surprise to open the link and find not only my favourite fandom, but pairing too). Your theme is very nice, and I really like the writing style. Very cutesy and the personalities weren’t completely off track, even with the added trait to Mikey that we don’t usually see.
Three points of improvement: 1. I know it’s mostly deliberate, but the amount of use of the word ‘dramatic’ does go a bit overboard at times. Most of the time it’s used in a place where you couldn’t replace it with anything else, but some of those sentences could have been changed or removed to get rid of the repetitiveness.
2. You had good character interaction, but I felt the dialogue itself could have been more realistic. Not for the people who were speaking it (it’s fanfiction after all) but just people in general. I can’t really give specific examples, but some speech just wasn’t the kind of thing I expected a conversation to go like.
3. This isn’t much of an improvement, but more of a peeve I have with stories. I see it a lot, so it’s not uncommon, but I thought I’d point it out while I had the chance. Unrealistic dialogue tags/verbs. When a character says something then pouts (especially male characters) I have a hard time imagining it. I can only really associate pouting with younger children, not teenagers and adults. You used growled at one point, and that’s another one I struggle with unless the character is a very tough man.
Thanks again, and also well done for the use of words! They were all there, and all in the correct parts of sentences. A really sweet plot that was well written (I read through twice, and didn’t find any noticeable typos) which a lot of stories so far haven’t managed.
Well done!
December 21st, 2012 at 05:59pm
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Three points of improvement:
1. I know it’s mostly deliberate, but the amount of use of the word ‘dramatic’ does go a bit overboard at times. Most of the time it’s used in a place where you couldn’t replace it with anything else, but some of those sentences could have been changed or removed to get rid of the repetitiveness.
2. You had good character interaction, but I felt the dialogue itself could have been more realistic. Not for the people who were speaking it (it’s fanfiction after all) but just people in general. I can’t really give specific examples, but some speech just wasn’t the kind of thing I expected a conversation to go like.
3. This isn’t much of an improvement, but more of a peeve I have with stories. I see it a lot, so it’s not uncommon, but I thought I’d point it out while I had the chance. Unrealistic dialogue tags/verbs. When a character says something then pouts (especially male characters) I have a hard time imagining it. I can only really associate pouting with younger children, not teenagers and adults. You used growled at one point, and that’s another one I struggle with unless the character is a very tough man.
Thanks again, and also well done for the use of words! They were all there, and all in the correct parts of sentences. A really sweet plot that was well written (I read through twice, and didn’t find any noticeable typos) which a lot of stories so far haven’t managed.
Well done!