June 23rd, 2013 at 02:06pm
Alright. I'm pretty sure I read a story a long time ago with Oli and Sam, and the whole Audri getting pregnant thing. Did you write a story like that? Because it was one of my favourite Oli stories, and if so, I'm so amazed that you added all of that into this story. Lol
I went to your stories to see if I could find that story, but it's not in there. Lol Just wondering, I may be wrong.
Your layout is really pretty, but I had to switch to the default so I didn't strain my eyes because the text is so tiny.
I really like the dialogue between all the guys in this - it feels quite genuine. Including the toilet talk. Very, very typical male.
Her piercing forest green eyes contrasted my own baby blues, making mine look dull. is a really strange thing to say. Like, guys don't compare their eye colour with a girl's. Or none that I know of anyway. It's just a bit odd considering how natural the male-conversation is.
It was very cute the way Tom described his relationship with Audri, the vodka to his Russian and all, but it was really sad how quickly he can dismiss her (looking at the end of part two).
The Oliver Sam part was a little cheesy. Like calling Bella and Edward's kid Renesmee. It's a bit much for me, personally.
Side note, I'm a Classics buff and I've never heard that version of the Andromeda myth - Zeus chaining her to a rock, and Perseus sacrificing himself. Where did you read/hear it, out of interest?
Also, I'm not sure the whole mythological explanation was really necessary. The Greek part and her mother's love of mythology yes, but the actual myth's a bit wordy. Or at least include a follow-up question on Tom's part.
Matt not wearing clothes was hilarious. Though I got kind of worried about Oli when you described how skinny he was.
I didn't understand the flashback at all, though I suppose that's something that might come out in the third part.
The whole relationship thing was a bit ridiculous, with Andra and Matt. That's a whole what, hour or so of conversing? I don't know, it's just really strange.
And Tom and Josh arranging the whole staying at Andra's...what a scumbag move on their part. I want to shake my head in disappointment.
Anyway, I think this does have a lot of potential, and I'd be interested to read the next part to see how it all ties together. The plot's a bit all over the place and rushed to me, but it's nothing a bit of re-working won't fix.
Well done and good luck with your entry!