To Be Mortal - Comments

Amazing. I'd like to read one about jason and michael. Maybe even dubois. Update soon please

Amazing as always. Update soon

Thanks for writing this. Next chapter asap!! :)

@ KillerRed27
Will do! Thanks for the comment! :)

@ Call_me_Dot
Awesome, that means I'm doing my job correctly! XD thanks for the comment <3

aaggghhh, I don't know what to believe happened to him! I feel like Jeremy is the shrink disguised somehow lol but I have no idea whats going to happen and how they got where they got!!!

I can't believe jason remembers that night but I'm glad he owned up to it and wants to try to make up for it. Update soon

This is a really good story. Update soon

@ Chicago-Kid
I'm not 100% sure yet, he wouldn't be a major character; but not quite a background character either.

Hrrrrm, I am trying to think of a good name for you. What kind of character is he?
Daniel, Gabriel, Louis...

Really still liking this, keep up the good work :)

Story Review Thread:

The summary is what drew me in. The future aspect of it seems intriguing, as well as the mention of "supernaturals". It seems to be a pretty solid, fantasy/sci-fi/dystopian story from the summary and man, those are really my weak spot. All in all, I'm pretty excited to get into it already and I haven't even clicked on one of the chapters yet. Also, kudos for a simple, readable layout. That helps tons.

chapter one:
I wasn't expecting first-person for whatever reason, but I can dig it. The opening is a bit cliche: main character wakes up, looks around, wonders where they are. The narration makes me smile. Their voice is interesting; "The walls were made of a cold cement… or was it concrete? Was there even a difference between the two? Yes, definitely a concussion. " is especially amusing, at least in my opinion. "my kind." -- what is the narrators "kind"? I'm going to go ahead and assume that they're one of the aforementioned supernaturals.

"My hands were tied behind my back, and my ankles to." - that should be "too" not "to"

The descriptions of her hair and dress are a bit awkward, sort of thrown in there, but it doesn't distract too much from the story and it's simply a stylistic comment for me.

"I spat more precious blood onto the floor with a *splat*. He cursed at me, called my names, but I didn’t care." - I don't think the asterisk around splat are necessary, and I think that "my" should be "me".

Ah, so Avianna is a vampire. I like her character so far, and the first chapter leaves a lot unsaid and a lot to be questioned and inferred. I'm curious to see how it maps out, but I'll probably only continue to review through the second chapter.

Overall, your writing is good and I like the characterization of Avianna so far. She seems like a snarky character and definitely a strong heroine.

chapter two:
The opening to the second chapter supports my thoughts on Avianna being especially snarky and fun, but I don't really have much to comment on other than that. Following it, the change in perspective is somewhat dizzying and it took me a moment to realize that it was a flashback(?) or at least a memory. I'm also curious as to how Avianna knows any of this, assuming that it is "how" she is explaining everything to Oliver.

It also took me a moment to realize who was talking later on, when they're told that the diner won't serve "their kind"; the use of "he" is rather ambiguous, seeing as there's two males at the table, plus the waiter, but I think that it was Roger talking. Which also makes me curious to see if Candice is also an elemental and how Avianna came to be a vampire, assuming that these traits are genetic and such -- and maybe I'm just reading a bit too into things, but all is well, although a little clarification could be helpful in that scene.

The past seems to add more to the story, but there's still a lot to tell. Now that we at least know some of the past that led up to Avianna's birth, the war, supernaturals, and many other aspects are still left unsaid -- which is good. Without everything up front, it really draws a reader in as they want to know more about what's going on and how it happened and why.

I didn't notice many mistakes in this chapter, although I might have missed them while reading. Again, your writing is steadily good and seems to carry the same sort of voice from first-person perspective and into third-person.

Good work with the first two chapters (:

Hey, I like this. I like how the main character is like so kiddish. It's cuuuute. I want to be her best friend. I hope Oliver is actually a vampire though.

LOVE

I wonder where this will lead to... :)
Keep writing, it's good :D xx