Symptoms of Life - Comments

Your layout is incredible! I love the colors and the title banner. Your title for that matter is perfection. It gives your story a more psychological feel, but I’ll go into that later when I do your review.

Ch. 1: This sentence “My fingers, they slipped slowly over her hips and onto her thighs, then paused, just slightly.” Is awkward because who is her? You’re writing in first person but say her here. This chapter over all is dramatic and simple. I love it, and I want to know what’s going on.

Ch. 2: I didn’t find anything grammar wise. Or writing wise. This is another chapter that puts me in the mind set of ‘more’. I kind of infer certain things from the first chapter messages to the hinge of her knee, but I want to know more. Then at the end the word ‘Dead’ if that doesn’t speak volumes on its on to anyone who reads this, it’ll be a miracle.

Your chapters are short (which I love, I feel like that keeps the reader’s attention better) and I would normally do a five chapter comment because of the shortness, but Since I’m working on doing a story review blog for you I’m going to stop here and send you a message after I read the full story and post the blog. I think you are going to do great things with this story though. Really great things.

This is really good. I really do like it <3

This is really interesting. I've seen movies with the same concept (very poor ones at that), but this is a really good read. I like her character and how muted she seems with her reactions. One thing I noticed though, is that not a lot is explained when it should be. Like him tutoring her? I didn't get the impression that her English is bad so that kind of comes out of left field. And her relationship with her dad, there's no explanation as to how she ended up with him. I know her mom died, but had she met him before then? Did she fight against going to him? Does she have maternal grandparents she could've gone to?

Some of it is just very abrupt and could be fleshed out a little more!

But I'm definitely going to subscribe. :)

I caught back up! The last two chapters were quite great, I like how you end the last one with the observation about Mr. Hughes.

I did find a few mistakes that I figured I'd point out:

causing me to fall to almost the ground again. this just sounds incredibly awkward.

made my hart stop dead small typo.

nodding to the reset of the class typo.

The glass giggled typo.

by a woman door missing a couple of words?

I hope you update again soon!

it's so sad that her whole life was ruined
because of another person's decision. </3
oh, can someone say plot twist ?!
but does he actually have a handicap or
did he just park there because he doesn't care?
and if he does have a handicap, I'm interested
in knowing what it is.

BTW, I think keeping the two chapters separate works very well.

*UGH, double post*

SLAY GIRL SLAY!
ANOTHER AWESOME UPDATE.
I FEEL SO BAD FOR FLORENCE.
I can't even begin to imagine how much her prosthetic hurts (but you did a lovely job of describing it) and she still manages to keep walking on it! I would have just sat against the wall and watched that leg wiz down the hallway.

I’ve been meaning to read this story for agessss and I’m glad I finally did, because man, it’s powerful. Florence is so well-written and well-developed, and it’s so tragic to read her story, how her dreams were broken. From the getgo, I could get a great sense of what her life is like now that she’s adjusting to a new one, and although it’s sad, I love the glimpses of hope that you’ve given her. At the fundraiser, she may have fallen down and her family’s kind of asshole-ish (probably an understatement lmao), but Mr. Hughes helped her to get back on her feet…maybe I’m looking too far into that but I saw it as nice symbolism!

Like She Said Poptarts said, this is the first story about a physical disability that I’ve read on Mibba, and I’m glad you’re handling it so well. I’m definitely subscribing, keep up the great work!

Quote

“I’m deleting those accounts.” I replied sitting back in the cafeteria chair, with one hand planted on my knee and the other cradling my head.

“No you’re not.” Liesl rolled her eyes, before focusing her attention on Cammy’s cell phone.

I wanna punch her whole family in the face. Seriously. I don't like Dr. Todd, the stepmom, or Lisel. Griffin I don't really mind, even though he seems like a dick too. Haha, I don't know I'm just getting a bad vibe from them, at first Lisel seemed cool, but then some things just irked me, like above (^). Like excuse me, if she wants to delete her instagram she can! I don't really have anything to say about Mr. Hughes.. at least not yet!

I really like what you have as a story, the idea of it is just.. This isn't the first story I've read online about a disability (there was on on Wattpad), but this is definitely the first one I've read on Mibba. You're doing such a good job with Florence, and showing how she just wants nothing to do with anything anymore. But yet acts normal around other people like during lunchtime. At six years old she wanted that for her future, and she made it there... only for it to end like that? UGH. I'm sad now.

Subscribed and recommended!

The first chapter is so great. I love how you just throw us into the story. Your descriptions are so beautiful, they truly do the story justice.

A few things I noticed:

"My fingers, they slipped slowly over her hips and onto her thighs" - changed the POV.

"The bruises and swelling had mostly all fade," - small typo at the end.

Other than that, I'm on to the second chapter because I really am intrigued at where this is going.

Chapter 2:
Oh my god. This was so powerful. I loved how it gave part of the backstory, and then you easily slide into a present setting and the descriptions are just spot on.

I didn't take any notes for chapter 3 or 4, I just enjoyed them too much to distract myself that much.

I can say that I truly feel for Florence. I didn't lose a leg, but I did break it, and it is frustrating when people try to help you so much. But really, I absolutely love this story. I hope you update it soon.

Can I just say how much I hate her "family"? Actually just David, Angelina and Liesl. Griffin is cool and seems to be about the only one who cares. Don't even get me started on Dr. Todd. Like excuse me, yeah your're right, sports isn't a job, it's a career. *insert famous Liesl eye roll and hair flip* One Flo was great at before losing her leg. So step back Dr. Todd.

OMG. I can't believe Graham answered her phone and told her boyfriend he had the wrong number. LOL. He's such a gentleman helping her back to the table. The only thing that saddens me with this chapter is how short their interaction was. She didn't even get to say anything! I NEED MORE.

Soon Florence is going to need more therapy just for her delusional, self serving, and feeling stomping family. (As you can tell, I have a strong distaste for them. )

I don't think I have ever had a chapter dedicated to me and if I did it was a long, long time ago.

@ the dalliance.

Thank you so much for your comment, I really hope that her emotion is reaching people! <3 Unfortunately, sometimes when I write Florence I feel that it is so monotonous and I often end up bored with her! I really hope she doesn't permanently come off that way to everyone!

You won't have to wait too much longer until the character's meet -- just until my next update I promise it will be explosive!

I've been impatiently waiting for an update and this doesn't disappoint. Don't that girl know anything about manners or privacy. I wanted to yank her ponytail so hard for Florence. NO. NO. NO. You can't just end a chapter like that! Why you do that?! JK. I can't wait though to see how their relationship plays out and their first interaction. I need that now.

I can't say this enough: it is refreshing to see a story focusing on a physical disability and the obstacles of dealing & overcoming it. Your writing style conveys the main character's feelings so well. It makes me wonder, if I was her, how I would feel and what I would do in her situation.

Can't wait for the next chapter!

With so few words you've captured so much emotion, the story holds the readers focus, and your detail is great. It flows great and the storyline is something different. Good job :)

I really like what you have posted so far. I loved the beginning - how you started off with all Florence's messages. And the second chapter with the guidance counsellor is so angsty, and darkly funny.

Omg I'm so glad you're still going with this story ♥ The first time I read it I was hooked but now, even with the revamp, I cannot wait for more! Keep writing

Hello, this story is really interesting so far. It's really well-written and the emotion is easy to feel. I also, like a couple other commenters, find it interesting that Florence is now physically disabled. Whilst the flow of the writing is really easy to read and the punctuation is great, there are one or two slip-ups grammar-wise, but otherwise it's perfect.
Just a couple things:
- “She’s fine. Could you get me your insurance information.” I know that he may be phrasing it as more of a command - at least, that's what I'm guessing from what we've seen of his character - but there needs to be a question mark at the end of this sentence.
- 'What little fat I had had was...' no need for the two "had"s here, even if it does seem to sound right. Grammar is funny like that.
- '“I’m tired from physio. I want to go to bed.” I replied leaning back...' since there is a dialogue tag there needs to be a comma rather than a full stop before the quotation mark, and a comma after "replied".
- 'David shook his head and said something along the lines of ‘that’s not an option’, and quicker than spaghetti cooks.' I feel that what she thinks he said should still be in quotation marks, and other than that, this sentence runs a little strangely, in my opinion. Maybe try removing the "and", so it reads something like this: David shook his head and said something along the lines of "that's not an option" quicker than spaghetti cooks.

Other than those little things, this story is amazing. The emotional and physical pain Florence is feeling hits hard, leaving me wondering how I would feel in Flo's circumstances. I feel really sorry for her and want to look after her. I am definitely subscribing, even though I usually only read fantasy or horror.

I completely agree with the comment below me about a main character in a story being physically disabled. You don't see that often (or at all) and I think that is so great. It makes the story 900x more interesting and it definitely gives a lot of perspective. I think the reason why people don't do that is because they don't know how to approach it, so kudos to you for taking that on. As well as being a wonderful writer (tho u know this ). I didn't expect anything less than greatness with just two chapters and it lived up to it. This is wonderful.

It's different at the most I've read stories about mentally our physically ill kids but never anyone physically disabled. I don't know how to feel about her father he seems like kind of a jerk, someone who wants to push things and assume he knows how someone feels when he's never been in their situation, at least do far but I may be wrong. I like the layout, it's simple but it fits, I can't comment on grammar because I'm not that great in all the ins and outs of grammar.

Even though there's only two chapters so far, I really liked it and am looking forward to reading more. I like how it's in Canada, woo, Canadians! (I'm from Canada (; ) But seriously though, I can feel the emotion and I liked how the first chapter started out, too. At first it was confusing, then as you keep reading the quotes it begins to make sense and you start to relate to the main character already. I really enjoyed this (: