Temporary - Comments

Sorry, my mistake. I'm supposed to write that you switched POV's in certain paragraphs, not chapters.

This is why I hate typing on my mobile.

Comment swap!

I'm going to start with the nitpicky stuff first. Nothing too major, just that I noticed you switched from third POV to first in some chapters.

When she stands however, he follows suit and reaches the door in time to open it for me.
I think the me should be her.

Ella gulps down the usual wave of dread and takes another pull of my cigarette.
The my should've been her.

The shakes increase and after grinding her fag to the ground with the toe of her boot, Ella folds her hands into her arms and looks everywhere but at the boy sitting before me.
Same mistake as the previous two.

Other than that, everything's fine. I'm not exactly strong when it comes to grammar and sentence structure neways.

I noticed that your story is written in present tense, and that itself gives me a sense of wonder because my brain is wired to read stories written in past tense. I had the urge to change them into past tense, haha! Please ignore the fact that I'm slightly OCD.

I like the way you mentioned how the characters are feeling. That first opening line where you said that Ella's tired? But she's not just tired, tired, but to the point of exaustion? Nicely done!

I like how you've made the description short and simple. I've read way too many stories where the writer spends one (or more) chapter just describing the surroundings and atmosphere around the characters'. While I do like description, too much of it can be a bore. Yours is just nice.

And to end it all, I gotta say I love this piece, although I have no idea how Niall will fit into all of this.

Ella is tired.

I like how you start with a blanket term and then expand. Because like, "she's 'tired' oh cool. I'm tired too." But "she's exhausted; mentally, physically and emotionally? This is some serious shit right here." See? See? Cool stuff, right there.

Riley is Irish, bright blue eyes, dark hair; and has the kind of smile that could melt a girl’s heart in seconds.

So much yes. I would climb that.

freckles that spatter the bridge of her nose and cheeks are a result of her fascination with her surfboard and the sea, and she’s almost always wearing that horrid shell necklace that sits comfortably on the v of her neck

It's cool that she isn't perfect yes? Yes.

“I have cancer.”

Whoa.

Like. Whoa.

THAT'S INTENSE.

I have cancer, and I am going to die.

And finally, she breaks.

Like, I know I said I'd be constructive, but it's a really good set up yanno? You know who she is, what she looks like, where she works, who her friends are. And it's not unnatural, but you could space out descriptions more maybe? That's just my personal taste though. And then you see where the story's going too. It's cool. I think you have a bangin' first chapter, honest to goodness.