Black Paradise - Comments

  • n. josten

    n. josten (1270)

    :
    Ghoul of 2016
    Gender:
    Age:
    90
    Location:
    United States
    I’m here to judge for the ‘A Song Contest on the Songs Often Left Behind’ contest.

    Well. This was definitely a ride from start to finish. It went from reading about a borderline-sociopathic nymphomaniac to a really strange and disturbing abusive incest relationship with her father? I mean, I guess it helped me make more sense of Amelia’s actions and how come she goes after older guys (because she’s kind of the definition of ‘daddy issues’) but it was still a really perturbing and uncomfortable twist. I was doing better with her sociopathic tendencies than that, hah. I am glad that Gregory taught her to be better and think about the consequences of her actions, but I was very disappointed that her father didn’t get what he deserved. It was kind of an anticlimactic ending in a way? I thought it was building up to her getting away or something, but it just kept going with more pain and abuse. It was a pretty disappointing ending. Though I can’t tell if she did manage to get away years later or not? That part wasn’t very clear. It felt like you just ended it suddenly, what with summing it all up.

    The writing style of this was very strange. Where it complemented the content at times, it also became very jagged and choppy with really rough transitions. In some areas, you were detailed and then in others, you were all over the place like you were rushing. It created a very confusing tone for the overall piece. A lot of your dialogue was unnatural, as well, so I would recommend you try reading it out loud; most of the time, you can figure out what’s wrong with it by doing so. Some of the narrative was really off-point as well. It just kind of jumped here, there and everywhere.

    It was definitely a disturbing one-shot that made me uncomfortable, which I imagine was your goal.
    June 27th, 2017 at 11:42am
  • DarkHeartedAngel

    DarkHeartedAngel (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    25
    Location:
    United States
    First off I love the banner it's so pretty and it fits beautifully.

    Men always want they can’t have. I like this line because it really foreshadows that something happened to Amelia in her childhood like her Dad abusing her.

    I like the fact that her and Gregory never have sex but actually manage to form a relationship instead.

    I don't really know if there's a better way to end this. The options seem pretty limited for how you could end a story like this, but I do like how you chose to end it. Amelia's changed and matured a little because Gregory never had sex with her even if her dad was never punished for it.
    February 4th, 2014 at 04:45am
  • DarkHeartedAngel

    DarkHeartedAngel (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    25
    Location:
    United States
    First off I love the banner it's so pretty and it fits beautifully.

    Men always want they can’t have. I like this line because it really foreshadows that something happened to Amelia in her childhood like her Dad abusing her.

    I like the fact that her and Gregory never have sex but actually manage to form a relationship instead.

    I don't really know if there's a better way to end this. The options seem pretty limited for how you could end a story like this, but I do like how you chose to end it. Amelia's changed and matured a little because Gregory never had sex with her even if her dad was never punished for it.
    February 4th, 2014 at 04:42am