Withered - Comments

I have to first say I adore the pink background on the text.

Moving on to the piece. I love how short the chapters are because it definitely entices the reader more when the first chapter is short. ESPECIALLY when it ends on something like a character dying! I couldn't stop myself from reading on at that point. I love the way he described Emilie in the second chapter and how the depression affected her appearance. As someone who suffers from depression, I must say you describe her fragility with just her looks perfectly. I used to have the same dull look in my eyes. It's so sad that she hanged herself but the way you described the noose as a necklace was beautiful. In fact, all of your descriptions were beautiful. You can feel the narrator's aching pain and lifelessness when it comes to thoughts of Emilie and how he is partially to blame for her death. It's such a sad story all the way around, but I absolutely loved it regardless. You're an amazing writer and this is a sad, but fantastic story :)!

This was a really beautiful piece as well! I like that we get to see all of Emilie through the narrator. Even though the piece is short, we get to see a lot about her character and how she affects the narrator. The ending was really sad but it was perfect for the story. I really can't think of a better possible ending! The whole thing was just beautiful!

Now that I am done with every story except one, I hope you enjoy my comments and know what I meant by them.

The shortness is neat, the deep thoughts are great, but the long term death theme will only darken your own state. Be careful about your focus, and keep in mind your purpose.

This is so depressing. :(

I like the rhyme in the beginning, it reminds me of how I'm writing my current story. I get stuck in rhyming though, I'm really trying not to comment in rhythm, I think it'll scare people. :P

I have to say, regardless of the short chapters I am pretty shocked at how well written it is. Maybe as the story goes on you can add more detail but other then that keep going.

First story I'm commenting at via your comment swap blog. First of all, the summary was nice and simple. I liked its style, being a poem and all. On to the chapters, the whole plot is pretty realistic. I have read a bunch of suicide stories but they didn't feel as realistic as this. Brownie points for that :) No writing mistakes caught my eye plus I liked the flow in this great piece of literature. Nice layout by the way. I have subscribed and I hope to read more soon. ~Marian.

First story I'm commenting at via your comment swap blog. First of all, the summary was nice and simple. I liked its style, being a poem and all. On to the chapters, the whole plot is pretty realistic. I have read a bunch of suicide stories but they didn't feel as realistic as this. Brownie points for that :) No writing mistakes caught my eye plus I liked the flow in this great piece of literature. Nice layout by the way. I have subscribed and I hope to read more soon. ~Marian.

First of all, I love that this is real and not over-dramatic like some writers make suicide stories out to be. The reaction from the protagonist is vivid, descriptive, but not melodramatic. It brings out the vulnerability of the character, and perhaps even makes them more endearing in the process. I think it also hits home with the reader because it is in 1st POV while also being a subject that many people can relate to. The want to help somebody who is falling hard into such a deep abyss, but also dealing with your own problems and depressions in the process, is something I know that a lot of people struggle with. And perhaps even the regret of not doing something more when it is too late.

Second of all, I love the way you created this. The chapters almost seem like disjunctive thoughts within Paul's fragile psyche. It really adds to his depth and packs a punch with the reader. I think if it would have been written any other way, like drawn out and elongated, it wouldn't have been as powerful.

Overall, this is a wonderfully written and executed piece of writing. You have some serious talent here.

Summary
I really like how the summary was just a one liner and rhymed a bit. :) Just saying.

Chapter 1
The first few lines were kind of vague. Yet it conveys enough to make the reader want to find out more and continue reading the entire chapter. It also has that emotion to it and the want to know effect. Like I want to know more about Emilie and I want to know more about the main character. Which then has me clicking the link to chapter two which I feel is very clever and nice.

Chapter Two

Now, just by the first six words, you got me. You gave me just a bit of information and I'm interested and alert. Which past the first chapter, first liners really don't do that. I love the way you describe the girl, but I want to know more about the POV that is speaking to us. I want to know about them for you're not really giving that to us and that side should also be seen.

This is beautiful

This is beautiful