Best Thing I Never Had - Comments

Alright, I'm going to be honest with you. It's an interesting story line, but I could not get into it. It sort of sounds very...bland. It's like you're taking everything you learned from a middle school English classroom and trying to make it into a novel. There's almost too much personality, and not to mention the errors. It'd be a great story, but "uGhhhh" i couldn't deal with it. Try to edit it and I'm sure it would be amazing. I really like the theme too.

:D I can tell you're probably new to writing, and trying to explore your imagination, and I think that is beautiful. Hello, writing is a great way to escape.

Now for the actual commentary:

The thing that immediately jumps out at me, is your excessive punctuation and use of caps lock.

Which is okay, it's fine, it can add quirkiness to a quirky scene- especially one where you're intending for an exaggeration or emphasis to take place. But if it's totally and absolutely unnecessary the best thing you can do is put it in bold or italics.

No choice, I have to get up immediately, like as in right now!

(Maybe you don't know how--- in order to bold type [ b] and [/ b] around a word, without the spaces, do the same thing with 'i' for italics, or 's' to strike through, or 'u' to underline)

Otherwise I see a lot of instances where you don't place in apostrophes or capitalize what needs to be capitalized. For example 'Can't', 'Won't', 'I'm'.

To add an apostrophe, if you don't know, click shift-- and while holding it down -- hit the button beside ; and :.

And sometimes in this story, I've gotten so lost.

Your throne is your best friend? The toilet you mean?? And what exactly is wrong in the name of the bible?

A lot more explanation would help a lot.

On the plus side,I love, love, love that this chapter isn't taken over by dialogue. So many first chapters- even from people with a higher skill level are overrun with dialogue. Because of it, the exposition suffers and there's barely any narrative or description. So you're on a good path there.

:3 I think the contents of the first chapter are very bold and I think you have a talented future ahead of you. I think you're very brave to want to apply yourself and become better.

Kudos to you.

(Comment Swap) Well, besides all the grammar mistakes everyone else pointed out, it's okay. It's really not my type of story so I can't really fairly say if I liked it or not. The grammar mistakes make it really hard for me to read. But, do keep up the good work. This story may only be in the beginning stages, but I'm sure it'll be interesting once it's finished.

Comment swap~

Your story is interesting, but I found a lot of mistakes. I saw that you don't use the apostrophe in the word "can't" and you seem to forget to capitalize your I's. Not a bad thing, just something you might want to work on because everyone is guilty of mistakes. Perhaps look into an editor?
Otherwise, I enjoyed it. It's really good so far!

A rather interesting story.
Did find a few grammatical mistakes and spelling mistakes, but you already stated that there were some. Everyone's that way when they first start out writing. :)
Very easy to read, which is always a great plus.

Really good story, overall. Very different than what I'm used to.

They layout for this story isn't doing anything for me. It's kinda bland and it doesn't pull me into the story. However, the choice of font color and the background color makes it easy for me to read the text.

I can find a few mistakes in the summary.

I cant find the love that is right for me. I feel it, i know it, but i cant find the right description for it.

I can't find the love that is right for me. I feel it, I know it, but I can't find the right description for it.

The text in Italic is the corrected version. My English is not perfect but I'm trying to help the best I could. ^_^

I notice a lot of grammar and spelling errors in the story, but as you mentioned in the author's note, you know it and you're trying to improve. Well, that's good. Practice makes perfect. Why don't you reread your chapters before posting and edit any mistakes. Or, you can always try to find a beta reader to proofread your story.

I can tell that this story is going to be interesting. However, everything seems cluttered and I find it hard to read. But don't let it stop you from writing. Remember, practice makes perfect. ^_^