July 4th, 2013 at 12:01am
I may be a little harsh and ticky-tacky at times but it’s only because I’ve read some of your work so I know how good you can be! So no hard feelings, okay? Haha.
First off, I love the premise of this post-apocalyptic world infested with zombies. It's common but not overdone to the point where people just turn their heads because there are so many different ways you can do it and such a wide margin of acceptable content. So even when you're zombies don't follow the two main types of zombies directly ("Walkers" vs. "Runners"), people still recognize an undead flesh-eater when they see one- or read one. I like that you create your own zombie world rather than just riding one of the zombie cult-masters'- like Romero or Raimi- waves. I also like that the story isn't just about a post-apocalyptic wasteland (why do I feel I can't use this word since it's the title..?), but also that of revenge. Not many tales of this nature are so multifaceted. The Zombie cult is generally seen as a metaphor for the discontent of society towards each other or the government as well as many social issues. I could write books about the symbolism of zombies but I'll try to keep this on your story more than the zombie world. Haha.
Anyway, onto the review.
Layout:
I like the image of the girl whom I suppose is supposed to be Miranda, but given the content of the story, I feel like the layout is a little too airy and fairytale-ish. It does little to build the tension or give you a sense of the actual story's premise. I can appreciate the simplicity of they layout but I feel the color scheme could be a little more dramatic. In this case, muted colors would do well to hint at this barren world they are living in, but perhaps colors that are not so light and airy would be a better option.
Summary:
Such an intriguing start. It does a thorough job of telling you what the world is like without really telling you what the world is like, and telling you what will happen without telling you what will happen, if that makes sense. You get the basic mood without giving away too much and tickles any good reader's curiosity. It's a good start!
Virus:
I won't touch on this too much other than to give you one compliment and one critique as far as including this. First off: I like the way you chose to go about creating these creatures. I like that it isn't just a "Oh, you got bit by this weird thing and now you're a flesh-eating freak, but it's an actual disease that can be contracted and has a process as it invades your body. So kudos on that realism.
My critique is, I really just find this section rather unnecessary. It's a nice to know, I guess, but really if you're story telling is thorough enough, the reader can figure these things out as they go along. It is far more effective for a reader to learn about the disease gradually and build intrigue it rather than just have it all handed to them. So I don't really see the point in having this posted. It's fine having this for yourself for reference, but a reader will enjoy the story much more if they are discovering as they read, just as the characters do while they live, then they can delving into this world before they're ready.
Prologue:
"The End of the World." It didn't just happen in one day. It wasn't at all like people thought.
This line just pops for me. It's a terrific hook and pulls the reader right in, in just a couple lines. The sharp bite to the words just thrusts you into a reality where yes, the world ended and no, it wasn't anything like we expected.
I wasn't sure at first if I was going to enjoy Miranda's blunt, almost lackluster narrative at first, based simply on the few paragraphs that were so void of emotion, but by the end, I was definitely digging it. It does a lot to paint this picture of Miranda. I can see her as this girl forced to grow up to quickly around a world of carnage and take care of herself, making the devil may care narration fitting and perfect for her character
That being said, it would be nice if you did a little more to build tension. After all, this is a world where people live in constant fear of the scary monsters just outside their door. While I can appreciate Miranda's no-shits-given attitude, and how it sets up her character, it does little to build up this world you are trying to create with monsters and a crumbling society, etc.
Chapter One:
Since I informed you that my first critique got eaten by my evil tablet, I don't have much memory left of what I wrote about this chapter so I have to start fresh for this one. I do think it is a nice stage setter and paints a nice picture of both the world Miranda lives in but also how that world has effected her as a person. She to the point and unapologetic which is usually effective in a female lead when it comes to stories of this nature. You can see how she is has hardened with time and come to take her job very seriously. My only complaint is still that lack of tension found in the overall tone of the story.
The name “Craug” is very nice, though. It’s very fitting for this kind of story. Something simple and monosyllabic, but so distinct, it can’t help but stand out to you. Like a guttural, animalistic noise made at the back of the throat. Even without having him described to the reader, his name alone paints a picture of this savage creature renowned for brutality.
This chapter had a very effective flow to it. The only problem I saw was this one sentence:
I know it needs the proper fluids, but… I don’t think I’ve ever came across a “proper mechanic“.
Besides the fact that “came” should be “come,” which is minor and easily rememorized, I think you should look for an alternative to one of the “proper”s in this sentence. My general rule of thumb is not to use the same adverb or adjective in the same paragraph, especially in the same sentence. It’s like accidentally drawing your finger on the wrong string while you’re strumming a tune. There’s nothing inherently wrong about it, it just doesn’t sound as pretty. Also, just because I’m anal, I’ll remind you also that the quotation at the end of “proper mechanic” should be outside the period… These are all minor grammatical errors, and I only found one outside this sentence, but I feel like if I’m going to address one flaw with the sentence, might as well point out the rest.
Chapter Two:
I was surprised by Miranda’s offer at assistance. She really didn’t seem the type to be handing out freebies to just anybody, but it made a little more sense as she talked about and you get the sense that, under all this hard exterior, she maybe has a softer side that she tries to keep hidden. It’s good to have a multidimensional character like this as long as it isn’t filling that same cookie-cutter mold that has been seen with a lot of “strong female leads.” Doing just one little something to break this mold and create a totally new character will do a lot to keep her from seeming like the same old-same old. Perhaps not a drastic change in Miranda as a character, because people really look up to and enjoy this type of character, but just a little something to make her unique.
Doing a little more to build the characters of Eliza, Clayton, and Sheryl would have been nice, but I realize the limitations you set for yourself by making them these awkward tagalongs to an independent loner like Miranda who seems to have this stigma hanging over her head because of a profession that seems to earn her little respect. So perhaps they wouldn’t want to open up to her quite so much at first, but adding little nuances like awareness toward their body language or simple things people notice on a first impression other than appearance would be an added bonus. Or perhaps they aren’t very major characters and will die soon, I suppose, so these things seem unimportant. Only you know.
I appreciate your description and the attention to detail (although, I wonder what the wire she sets up is harnessed to…), but I feel like there are large bouts of text where every sentence begins with “I.” It would be counterproductive to remove that description,, but change up your sentence structure and add a little variety every now and then. It keeps the reader intrigued while you have a whole paragraph or so of description.
I also like the dark and creepy that comes before the little cliff-hanger. Expand on that feeling! It’s terrific! I would have liked more of that before you just end things but I do like the abrupt halt at the end of the chapter that leaves you guess and a little scared for Miranda and the family. I’m glad I’m already subscribed to this because I just cant wait to see what happens to them next!
You are an extremely talented writer! Subscribing - I can't wait to read more. :) 
I really want to know more about Miranda's past to be honest, it's kind of the thing that was in the back of my head while reading the majority of this. I'm really curious and I guess it can't be helped, but i'd really like to know. Also, I wonder if Craug is sort of more human than the other zombie-things, like if he knows what he's doing more often than the others do, and if he does, when Miranda finds him will he explain to her why he did what he did or something? I feel like this can go on in so many different directions and I really want to know what's going to happen