Long Distance Love - Comments

  • nearly witches.

    nearly witches. (15250)

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    Hello! I'm here taking over the judging of the 'The Unpopular Fandoms' contest! Cute

    Layout / Summary

    The layout is really pretty. I like the colours and the banner. The summary is short, but gives the reader an accurate and interesting view into what they're going to be reading and works well as a hook-in.

    Content

    I like the idea of this being almost a three-part story that shows the different aspects of long-distance. You've got the first chapter being the introduction to the relationship, then you have this middle part where they're back in the same room with one another and it's all cute and fluffy and what seems like a perfect little moment. Then you've got this third part, where it's the going away again. I like that it's probably more of a realistic portrayal of long-distance than anything. I always see stories where it's all about how amazing it is when they're together but doesn't always deal with the going-away-again after it. This does, which is super-cool because it gives the reader an idea of Freja and Aaron's relationship both when they're together and when they're apart. It's very different to see a story deal with such a deep topic, so kudos for doing a good job with it!

    Concrit

    I noticed a few things throughout:

    - I met him before there show -- 'there' should be 'their'
    - and a girl that I met this night -- 'this' should be 'that'
    - lived closely to the Swiss border. -- 'closely' should be 'close'
    - excuse us for some moment’s guys -- this sentence seems strangely worded. I'd suggest 'excuse us for a moment' if you're looking for the expression.

    There is also a lot of the content that seems almost as if you're telling the reader rather than showing. For example, the list of clothes that Freja is wearing -- that could be scattered throughout the storytelling rather than being a list as it breaks the flow slightly. Other than that, I didn't see much else!

    Overall

    I think this is definitely well thought-out and is incredibly thought-provoking. Having never been in a long-distance relationship myself, I can't possibly comment on how accurate the portrayal is but it did seem incredibly realistic to me. Good job!
    January 13th, 2018 at 08:52pm
  • SaraHorlyk

    SaraHorlyk (100)

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    @ Chopper-kun
    Thank you so much for your comment, I really appreciate it!
    - and yes; those are song lyrics, it's: "Miles Away" by Memphis May Fire :)
    June 13th, 2013 at 03:43pm
  • Chairman Meow

    Chairman Meow (925)

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    First of all, I like your layout. It's simple and so easy to read. And your banner is beautiful! I also love your summary.

    This story is good. It's so realistic about a couple who have to go through long-distance relationship and how much they miss each other. I also like the quote at the beginning and end of each chapter. Are those song lyrics?

    However, I noticed a few grammatical errors but nothing major and overall, I think you're a good writer. ^_^ Good luck!
    June 13th, 2013 at 03:26pm