Hero - Comments

  • dream'n.reality.

    dream'n.reality. (100)

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    Most of the time I wouldn't be caught doing anything that has to do with sci-fi, but fortunetly I was brought by comment swap. Very interesting story. The names are a bit confusing and I would add a layout to draw more attention. Other than that it's great! Good work you have here!
    November 2nd, 2013 at 11:38pm
  • Alsoldey

    Alsoldey (230)

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    Okay, really, this is really interesting and nothing you see a lot on Mibba. The names--though hard to pronounce sometimes--are unique and I love the large amounts of creativity you put into this. No lie and no joke.

    You made up planets, names, and wow...just wow! I love this and it has been recommended. =] Keep it up, you got my attention.
    August 29th, 2013 at 07:29pm
  • DarlingBacon

    DarlingBacon (155)

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    From Comment Swap here, and to be honest, I really like your story. I'm not sure if it's fanfiction or not, but it's really interesting. The only thing I would have to say is that there should be an amazing layout to go with this story. I will definitely subscribe and recommend this story. :) I also found it neat that you put a pronunciation guide.

    Keep up the great work!
    May 21st, 2013 at 11:01pm
  • Lady.V.

    Lady.V. (960)

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    Dear author, the comment swap thingy brought me here otherwise I wouldn't have picked this to read because I don't like sci-fi stories but I did read the first chapters so I could give you critic. You are doing a good job writing this even though it needs a bit of editing. Your descriptions are detailed enough plus the dialogue is quite flowy. Keep writing. :) ~Marian.
    April 12th, 2013 at 10:51pm
  • Lady.V.

    Lady.V. (960)

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    Dear author, the comment swap thingy brought me here otherwise I wouldn't have picked this to read because I don't like sci-fi stories but I did read the first chapters so I could give you critic. You are doing a good job writing this even though it needs a bit of editing. Your descriptions are detailed enough plus the dialogue is quite flowy. Keep writing. :) ~Marian.
    April 12th, 2013 at 10:51pm
  • solo sunrise

    solo sunrise (260)

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    Yes, the glorious comment swap has gifted me with a science fiction! Whoo! Moving on. The first thing I noticed was the dialogue, and I see this all the time. After almost every piece of dialogue is a comma. Sometimes it doesn't need to be there.

    "Some place safe," her mother whispered into her ear, as the doors to their hiding place flew open.

    This piece pf dialogue? Correctly done! Her mother is directly whispering to her, so that comma is correct.

    Now,

    Mijhan looked at her mom with tear-filled eyes. "You're coming too, right, mommy?"

    That lack of comma? Also correct, because the sentence before the dialogue is not a tag.

    "Put these on," T.J. handed his mother and Mijhan peasant cloaks.

    That comma. See it? Replace it with a period, because T.J. is not directly saying/asking/stating/squeaking/crying/(etc.) anything.

    Also, I'd just skim over it for some other minor errors. At one point it said:

    "How much longer?" Mijhans tired voice, asked.

    You don't need that comma, and add the possessive apostrophe. All of this is just a result of fast typing, I'm guessing, which is why I'm saying it's pretty minor.

    Also, don't be afraid of writing 'said.' I've noticed that you tend to use more 'exotic' dialogue tags, such as squeaked, squealed, sighed, called, etc. and seem to avoid using said as much as possible. Said is not a bad word, and is often best to use because other tags may pull the reader out of the story itself.

    In chapter three:

    "Ava," a males' voice came from the kitchen.

    The possessive apostrophe is in the wrong place, since there's only one male. Again, very minor, but minor mistakes often go missed, even in published novels. You, as the author, may not notice, the editor(s) may not notice, but the readers will, and readers can be harsh.

    Anyway, I like it. I like Mijhan, and I love a good space opera. Thank you for your time, bye!
    April 10th, 2013 at 05:10am
  • Swampy

    Swampy (100)

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    This is quite different to anything I would usually read however it is interesting so I have recommended it. I like the fact that you have put a pronouciation section in your summary. It really helped when reading. I couldn't see any spelling or gramatical error so that is always a plus. Hope you carry on writing.
    March 15th, 2013 at 02:03pm