More Than This - Comments

omg i just i loved it

As far as first impressions go, I was really excited to read this because I’ve never read a Shaun White story. Though, admittedly, I don’t necessarily follow his career or anything (but I did think his cameo in Friends with Benefits was hysterical), it’s always nice for me when I come across people that I don’t necessarily see on the homepage or the main story page that often. As far as the layout goes, I really liked how even though you included graphics, the layout was still clean and not distracting for me as a reader I also liked that, even though the summary was song lyrics, those lyrics gave me a feel for what the story was going to be about so I knew more of what I was getting myself into.

Moving on to the actual content of the story, I thought it was an incredibly cute concept, and I loved how you portrayed the relationship between Tate and Shaun. I also thought that you did an amazing job with the dialogue and the character interactions throughout the piece, both between Shaun and Tate and between Jesse and Shaun. I also admired the way that you were able to characterize Shaun and Tatum in such a concise manner, though there were definitely some instances where I wished you would have spent more time on the characters’ appearances and less time on the specific clothes that they were wearing. While I know what Shaun White looks like, while I was reading, I could never really get a clear picture of Tatum in my head, which kind of bothered me. I also liked the little bits of humor that you incorporated throughout the piece. I felt like it made a seriously life-changing event like deciding to leave a guy you were on the verge of marrying and spending the rest of your life with into something a little less tense.

As far as constructive criticism goes, there were quite a few grammatical errors in this piece, particularly with run-on sentences, commas in places where they shouldn’t be, and commas missing in places where they needed to be. There were definitely a few places where, because of the run-ons and the comma errors, I had to go back and reread several times in order to process what was going on. There was also some confusion for me as to what the groom’s name was because at first, he’s referred to as “Jay,” but then towards the end, his name changes to “Jason.” Another thing I would add is, even though I’m a sucker for the fluff myself, there were some aspects of this piece that I felt were a little too much, to the point where it wasn’t really believable to me. There were just some things that felt very romantic comedy to me, and a lot of the things that are in romantic comedies wouldn’t necessarily happen in real life.

Overall, I really did enjoy reading this piece, and it made me smile. Thanks for entering

loved it :D It was very well written & I do love Shaun White.