Gluttony - Comments

This piece is kind of bittersweet. You've got your narrator being really crude, funny and sometimes downright nasty, which is something I absolutely love. Characters that seem to have that nasty edge don't appear in fiction as much as I think they should because often, people portray their characters as saints but you've not done this here. The narrator seems genuine, as rude as he / she is being at times and it just makes it all the more realistic. There are people like this in the world and they don't get enough exposure in fiction, so this really is quite unique.

Despite the fact that a lot of this was quite humorous to read, you've still got this really dark undertone to it that makes me think and I believe that's what I enjoy about the pieces that I've read from you so far. You've got this really simple story about a baker and his / her mix of hatred and love for the people that walk through the bakery door (hey, he / she makes a living off of them), but then you've got that paragraph about why he thinks they do it which really does make you stop and think about things.

Simple and funny, but still with quite serious undertones. Lovely.

I was reading the summaries of your stories, and this immediately caught my eye because of the title, as it reminds me of the seven sins. I've read a few of yours stories beforehand (i'm a silent reader ) and the ones I've read have this sarcastic undertone to them that I adore. I have a soft spot for sarcasm. As starlight said below, your narrator is really fucked up and yet I can't help but be fascinated by him a little bit.

...that chocolate contains hormones that release chemicals into your brain that make you feel good. You know what else does that? Getting laid.

The fact that you somewhat compared eating chocolate to getting laid made me giggle a bit. I like your narrator's crass, dry sense of humour.

Nothing says birth of Jesus Christ quite like morbid obesity in a box.



They want sugar in their bodies to make up for the lack of human warmth.

This was strangely beautiful and it made me quite sad. The whole paragraph was saddening, as you introduce the issue of fat-shaming and the narrator describes them as unloved and trying to fill the void with food. I don't know, even though he was obviously mocking them it made me emotional and feel sorry for his customers. This whole piece has mixture of humour and emotion, and I do love it.

Your descriptions are extremely good too. Examples of my favourites being;

...their glassy eyes shining at the sight of food and you just feel their sugar stained blood pumping slowly through their greasy veins and causing their fat hearts to die a little bit with each bite of their delicious cake.

...they're all alone in this judgemental society, they stuff their faces with more of this excruciatingly sweet whip cream and chocolate cream and egg cream.

We are all going to hell, anyway, at least my soul is going to be skinny.

I'm reccommending this.

Haha your narrator is so fucked up! I love this though; the sarcasm and descriptions are amazing, and it flows really well. I feel bad for his/her customers XD It feels very realistic though; I can see someone.feeling this way about their job, or overweight people for that matter. It's a judgemental world. I also liked how you incorporated gluttony and greed because they do so often go hand in hand. This is just a great piece of writing.

@ monroe or muppet?
Thank you, sir

Giveaway prizes! Okay, I really like the tone that comes out in the writing. So dark and cruel. There are a few things I noticed however, the first is the capital letters for DIABETES. Although this creates the effect I can see you're going for, I think a simple bold effect may work better as things tend to be stressed when read if bold, and more shouted if in caps. It just looks a bit more professional, in my opinion. One line that I absolutely adored was "at least my soul is going to be skinny". It read well, but I think that there is always room for improvement. :)