thanks for the critique! I'll definitely apply that to the next chapter! :D
April 14th, 2014 at 04:15am
I think this story has a lot of potential. I'm a sucker for post hiatus Patrick, though, so that's probably why ;) The only thing I recommend is breaking up the dialogue. Right now it's kind of just one big paragraph, and it can be a little tiring for someone's eyes to try to separate who's speaking. So instead of a big paragraph, I'd separate it by line for who's speaking, for example:
"Looks like someone slept in," he smirked again, his teeth bright and gleaming, his lips looking rather handsome.
"Uh. Yeah. I guess I did. I'm really sorry. Oh, uh, come in," I gestured for him to proceed into my thrift shop flat, and he did so.
"You always were a late sleeper.."
Like I said, this is a little easier on the eyes, even though it may take a little longer to format (although not much). Besides that a few grammar things here and there, but overall I'm really excited for this story!