Dead - Comments

Hallo, I’m here to judge for the ‘Death Comes For Us All’ contest.

I thought writing in a reaper’s perspective was a very interesting concept. I have this affinity for supernatural creatures and especially ones related to death in any form. I did like that you personified a creature that symbolizes death, fear, and coldness. But while I liked your concept, I felt really incomplete at the end.

A lot of my problem with this story stems from the fact that I feel like I missed something. I’m aware that this piece is part of a series, but this is all that you entered into the contest and it’s part four apparently. Did I miss something in the three stories before it? Because whilst you briefly gave me her story—as to why she was in the hospital—I have no idea why the reaper has this obsession with her. I didn’t see it as some longing romance because it was odd. I feel like you aimed for it to feel like this… age-old romance, like it should have resonated with me, but I was so overwhelmed with the fact that it seemed like he had no idea who this girl was. I could be wrong, but it felt weird.

I also feel like you could have written more detail. Your writing style seems to favor a more simplistic and blunt approach, which isn’t a bad thing, but you were telling me more than showing me in emotions. It’s a big thing that this cold creature is feeling guilt, reluctance, and some kind of equivalent to love to him—and yet it didn’t feel like it was a big deal at all with how you wrote everything past the intro: I never had that problem before. I was supposed to be a cold god with no feelings but it seemed like I wasn’t. I didn’t know what it was that pulled me into that hateful position but I didn’t want to take her soul even though I had to. – This is the only part where I felt like you were putting an emphasis on the importance of this moment, but then you focused more on the fact that she was a human and dying than on the reaper’s feelings. I didn’t actually feel anything. I felt bad for him, sure. I had plenty of sympathy for him because I imagine that there’s no universe where a reaper can happily be in love, but I had no empathy. I didn’t feel the heartbreak or sadness that I should have. I definitely feel like you could make this a powerful and emotional piece if you were to develop the detail of the emotions more.

And on the subject of flourishing details, I think you should develop your surroundings more past just: Her eyes were closed as she slept peacefully while a machine was connected with wires to her chest, close to her heart, and another one was covering her mouth. Her light blonde hair was really short and her body seemed to get lighter and thinner from the lack of food. – You could have written more about the hospital itself, her room, the condition of her body beyond “lighter and thinner”, the color of her hair as I imagine it would be dull, all that kind of stuff. I think it could really make this story soar if you just expanded your details a little bit more.

Overall, I think you had a good and interesting concept that I definitely enjoyed. I’m very intrigued with the reaper having feelings for a dying soul. Good job!

Your layout
This is filled with so much emotion and I can tell you're a great writer! Such a tragic yet beautiful idea! Great job!!

Hey! I’m sorry it took so long for me to comment on your story but I’m here now I'm going to give my most honest critique.

Her light blonde hair were was really short and her body seemed to get [why not use thinner instead of using lighter twice? Using it twice just makes it redundant] lighter and lighter from the lack of actually eating food.

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I could have sworn I felt her tremble but that wasn’t possible.

The word “could” is a form of the word “can” whereas “would” is a form of “will” which means “about to” or “going to”. Anyway, “could” is usually used when there is a physical action involved and “would” is used to express the future in past sentences.
Ex. She said she would get the clothes tomorrow.
She could do a cartwheel.

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Even though I wanted her to wake up and see for once her beautiful eyes which I had never seen before for once, I would only want to take her soul even more.

‘For once’ and ‘which I had never seen before’ is actually the same. ‘For once’ means you have yet to see it even once. It would have been redundant if I put ‘for once’ after ‘which I had never seen before’.

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I secretly hopped for something I wasn’t supposed to. I hoped that I was able to take on a human form.

You misspelled the word “hoped”.

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I wanted her to look into my eyes and feel safe even as I took her life. My desire died at the very moment the machine connected to her heart signalized she was dying.

I think you meant a Heart Rate Monitor machine. The said machine monitors the heart rate of a person. When a person dies, the heart monitor will show a flatline indicating no heartbeat or no more brainwaves.

So keeping that in mind, the sentence could be: My desire died the very moment the heart monitor flatlined.

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I bent down and kissed her pale lips as I closed my eyes [comma] trying to feel the skin of them.

I think "hoping" is a better word than "trying". The sentence is also awkwardly constructed.

I bent down and closed my eyes as I kissed her pale lips, wanting to feel her lips on mine.
That's my paraphrased sentence of yours. I just rephrased it so I didn't change a lot.

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It felt like she had melted my coldness and nowhere in sight heart as I fantasized about the sensations our lips connected would have given me if I was human.

This is one long sentence. It has too many dependent clauses. I'm going to try and shorten it meaning rephrasing it.

It felt like she had melted my coldness and I fantasized about the sensation of the our kiss if I was human.

The 'nowhere in sight heart' phrase is very confusing for me and I don't know where to put it.

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I took her soul slowly inside me and let her out when I was near to heaven. Even though I wanted to keep her inside me because she made me feel alive, I know I had to let her go and with one more kiss [comma] we parted [period] And I whispered to her before I left, "My beloved."

When you have a dialogue, make sure to capitalize the first word.

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Overall Feedback:

The drabble is written so-so for me (grammar-wise). I haven't read a story where Death falls in love so the concept or theme that you've written this drabble with is good. Furthermore, this drabble needs to be proofread more. The sentences aren't really constructed well. Some have too many dependent clauses or too many independent clauses. Sometimes, you put unimportant phrases in a sentence. Also, I'd like to see more description so that it would flow well. Overall, this story is pretty good despite the grammatical mistakes. It just lacks proofreading and description.

I love Death as an actual character in all your drabble/one shots. I love that you've put a twist on him and he isn't the scary monster everyone makes him out to be :)

Awh, your one-shots are so full of feeling. This was beautiful and I was listening to my Looper playlist and A Thousand Years was playing, which made it sweeter. I really did enjoy this. I thought it was kind of adorable, Death loving a human. It was sad though, and I did wish miraculously he would grow muscle and skin and maybe they could go off together but you know, that's not how it went.

I really love your one-shots c:

I don't think I've read a story where Death fell in love with a person already on the brink of death, so this was a refreshing piece. The emotions were portrayed so clearly that I found myself wishing he could be human and that she could wake up just long enough to see him.

I'm going to recommend this because I think other people will enjoy this piece as much as I did.

I really like how you can put so meaning into so little word. I like how the layout just ties everything together.

Death Comes For Us All: Contest Host Comment

I secretly hoped for something I wasn’t supposed to. I hoped I was able to take the form of a man instead of who I was.

It felt like she melted my cold and nowhere in sight heart as I fantasized about the sensations our lips connected would have given me if I was a human.

The above are two of my favorite lines from your story.

Your interpretation of Death and his love for this human girl was so tragic. I like how you wrote his confusion at loving someone he shouldn't and his desire to have her. It was a sad twist to know that Death couldn't have his beloved. The way you put the picture into the words worked nicely and I enjoyed reading it. Though like it was mentioned before there was a few mistakes but they can be easily fixed.

Thank you for submitting this into my contest and check back June 8th to see if you win! Hahaha yes June, not May!

The way you have described Death in a few stories is so intricate and intimate. In an odd way, it is very comforting! The intimacy between Death and this young woman is both tragic and mundane. Things like this happen every day, but you put such a fantastic twist on it with your use of imagery and word choice. It feels like a portrait of Death itself, a very tender and lonesome portrait.

I only caught a few mistakes like, here, "Her light blonde hair were really short" the word hair is singular so it should be "Her light blond hair was." As well as further down, you wrote, "I secretly hopped for something I wasn’t supposed to", hopped is supposed to be hoped, I am guessing?

The layout fits the story completely.
Plus your descriptions took me in.
You described Death so differently yet kind of the same as all the others
but I enjoyed reading something from his POV
and especially him not wanting to take a soul.
Definitely the best. :)))

Oh my gosh, intense! I am so glad there is a sequel because I'm dying to know more.
Oh, and I like the picture that you chose to use. It really goes with the story and adds to it.