On the Other Side - Comments

  • Sansa Stark

    Sansa Stark (930)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    71
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    Although I am not a fan of super heroes, this is very creative. I can picture a movie based on this story, the descriptions are vivid and intense and I just love these characters, they all have creative back stories that actually make sense. I especially like the Grim Ripper.

    Personally, I would prefer two shorter chapters, bu that's just me.
    April 29th, 2013 at 07:39pm
  • Join the Masquerade

    Join the Masquerade (100)

    :
    Member
    Gender:
    Age:
    29
    Location:
    Australia
    Lauren Mason, a woman who by saying the words Yankee Doodle Dandy could transform into Yankee Girl. Giving her the ability to fly, a toughened skin that could shrug bullets off like they were spitballs, and super strength allowing her to lift twelve tons with ease.

    That first sentence doesn't quite make sense if you read it as it is, by itself. The second sentence is definitely a fragment. I think it may be the comma after "Lauren Mason" because it suggests that something else is to come. I would have written this for example like:
    "Lauren Mason stood in the corner, a woman who by saying the words Yankee Doodle Dandy could transform into Yankee Girl, giving her the ability to fly, a toughened skin that could shrug bullets off like they were spitballs, and super strength allowing her to lift twelve tons with ease."

    [...] after his spine was snapped when he was thrown into a wall and it came tumbling down, breaking it in sixteen different spots.

    This sentence is actually saying that the wall was broken in 16 different places, though I know that's not what you meant.

    However the stress of living [...]
    *However, the

    Equipped with a sharp wit, his magic cane that transformed into any weapon he desires, and a cape that allowed him to grow older or turn invisible.
    *desired
    Also, this is a sentence fragment.

    His desire to fight evil had been diminished with the death of his loyal servant Nogi.
    *servant, Nogi.

    The first was the Fox, a quick minded detective, martial artist, bouncing from foe to foe with super jumps who documented fights and monsters with the camera located in his fox logo on his chest to better prepare for every eight-year mega battle, had been ripped to pieces, along with Raven another hero that Golden Eagle never did find out much about, by a pack of starving werewolves in their last battle.

    This sentence contains too many commas in the wrong places. I'd rewrite it as:
    "The first was the Fox, a quick minded detective and a martial artist, who whilst bouncing from foe to foe with super jumps would document fights and monsters with the camera located in his fox logo on his chest to better prepare for every eight-year mega battle. He had had been ripped to pieces along with Raven, another hero that Golden Eagle never did find out much about, by a pack of starving werewolves in their last battle."

    Sarge Steel, Golden Eagle’s second in command, had been the team’s moral. Picking them up and dusting them off whenever the opposition tore their spirits down to shreds, knitting them back together newer and better than before.

    *second-in-command
    *morale
    The second sentence there is a fragment. You could join it to the last with a comma:
    "Sarge Steel, Golden Eagle’s second-in-command, had been the team’s morale, picking them up and dusting them off whenever the opposition tore their spirits down to shreds, and knitting them back together newer and better than before."

    He had died in a hospital in Rome, a place he had told everyone he wanted to live but succumbed, from cancer this past winter, death coming painfully for him in his final moments.

    *live, but succumbed from cancer this past winter with death coming

    Golden Eagle shook his head and stood tall, he was their leader, he could not show weakness at this hour.
    *Golden Eagle shook his head and stood tall; he was their leader, and he could not show weakness at this hour.

    . Looking at the clock as the minute hand [...]
    *He looked at...

    As it has been made abundantly clear none of us are in any shape to fight the oncoming horde that will appear from the Rip, we barely made it through the last time to destroy the anti-matter cannon Professor Nautical and Madam Vicarious built.

    As it has been made abundantly clear THIS, then CONCLUSION. This sentence doesn't read well if you start it like that. You haven't got the conclusion that the "as" requires.
    You could get rid of "as" and begin it with "it" and then it would make sense or leave it as it is and after the comma, explain what the result of this being made clear means.

    “So let’s get to it.” Grim Reaper said [...]
    *it," Grim Reaper said

    The room fell silent; Golden Eagle knew that this was too much to ask of any of them, he had asked so much of them already and now he was asking for more.
    *The room fell silent. Golden Eagle knew that this was too much to ask of any of them; he had asked so much of them already and now he was asking for more.

    “No, I’ll do.” he told them.
    *do," he told them.

    Dennis, look at the other people in this room, everyone else here has some sort of function to this group they can still help the new breed out.
    *Dennis, look at the other people in this room. Everyone else here has some sort of function to this group and can still help the new breed out.

    Golden Eagle was shaking, gulping his fought the shakes back and stood up tall.
    *Golden Eagle was shaking. Gulping, he fought the shakes back and stood up tall.

    [...] I will offer myself to the machine.” he told him as he opened the door [...]
    *machine." he told him ** I'll stop correcting this now. You get the point.

    Slowly details began to be added, like a sculptor chiseling out a statue part by part, a bright yellow bodysuit that was covered armor appeared.
    *part. A bright

    Red boots, yellow gloves, and a red cape become solid. His torso and legs come into view as the pale blue begins to dissipate, revealing the two to be of similar coloring. The final part to come into reality is a blue cap with a lightning bolt running across the top.
    *became solid.
    *came into view
    *blue began
    *into reality was

    DB was imprinted in the middle of his costume in big black letters.
    *in big, black letters.

    The fourth pod started to reveal something garish, something monstrous, and something terrifying.

    As only one thing is being revealed and not 3 separate things:
    "The fourth pod started to reveal something garish, monstrous, and terrifying."

    Yellowing skin of varying shades stretched and sewn over a body that was monstrously tall and strong, his skin pulled taut and tight so muscles and veins, bulging from odd places in places that should not have had muscle growth even for the most ambitious body builder, were barely hid from view. Pearly white teeth shown through decayed black lips, coming to the face which was full of sewing thread from being stitched together by whatever had been laying about.

    This sentence is too confused with commas and fragments. I'd rewrite is as something like:
    "Yellowing skin of varying shades came into view, stretched and sewn over a body that was monstrously tall and strong. His skin was pulled so taut and tight that muscles and veins were bulging in places that should not have had muscle growth even for the most ambitious body builder. Then appeared pearly white teeth, shown through decayed black lips, and following was the face which was full of sewing thread from being stitched together by whatever had been laying about."

    Once facial features became evident it was shown that it was a woman, her hairstyle and makeup suggested she was from the fifties.
    *suggesting that she was from the fifties.

    But if she were then she wouldn’t be in a military uniform, she would in a dress and apron.
    If she were, however, then surely she wouldn't be in a military uniform; she would be in a dress and an apron.

    His face started to show a black domino mask, on top of his head a fedora matching his attire hid a large portion of his salt and pepper hair.
    *mask. On top of

    [...] it appears he had been dishing out justice before he arrived.
    *appeared

    Tiger like claw
    *Tiger-like

    Her body screamed of elegance and power, she would be a helpful fighter.
    *Her body screamed of elegance and power, and suggested that she would be a helpful fighter.

    [...] that looked like it had been hastily tied moment before.
    *tied just moments before.

    The transference was complete, Grim Reaper slumped forward dead.
    *When the

    He looked up at the clock, they had two and a half hours to debrief these heroes [...]
    *the clock. They had
    You have a wonderful imagination, like you were made to write scifi :D You came up with some pretty cool physical hero descriptions Cool Also, you've given the story a setting and a place to go from there. You've completely set up the world and how it works all in the first chapter, and I feel that this is a much less confusing way of introducing something totally alien to someone.

    Plot-wise: brilliant. Characters' mental descriptions could be built on. I mean like, their insides. What are they feeling? We only get inside Golden Eagle's head.

    Keep a close eye on those tenses. I also mix them up a little within the same sentences.
    Also, you can't use a comma to join together two complete sentences.

    But apart from that, you're doing well. It wasn't painful to read as it is or anything close; I just wanted to leave some decent feedback. I'm sorry if I came across as cruel when really, your story is pretty good. :)
    April 26th, 2013 at 05:35pm