August 6th, 2014 at 02:17am
Okay, I like the first sentence. I think there are a couple contradictions though but it's probably just me. In the second sentence you say "he had lost all hope" then "together with his last hope". If he lost all hope he wouldn't have a last hope. In the second part of that phrase you say his humanity was fading away along with the cold wind. If his humanity is fading as in going away, but it's winter, then the cold wind wouldn't be fading.
I'm probably just being picky.
I think you mean "anything" instead of "everything" in the second paragraph.
The first sentence in the fourth paragraph sort of throws me. It doesn't sound quite right. I think you could change the last sentence of that paragraph too since you already stated their sons hair and eye color
The text was hard for me to read with it being grey and the background being black. I love the layout picture though.
I love this sentence, "He made himself believe they had died as humans by creating coffins for them and burying them at the cemetery." That's so great.
Overall I like the story. It's an original take. It seemed a little repetitive at times but that's not a huge deal. I feel there should be more to it, more scenes, maybe a flashback to how it all happened, some dialogue, etc. There doesn't seem to be much character development for the mc other than "I miss my family". I think it would be better if you expanded this story a bit, add some imagery to; the desolation the character is facing, the zombies, the area, and have the character do something.
First I have to point out how repetitive this was. I don't know whether you were aiming for that, but four out of the six paragraphs began with "he" and it got a bit tedious to read.
However, the despair the character felt really shines through your writing and this definitely gave a different take on what life would be like after an Apocalypse. Most people have characters in groups, with socialisation, but the truth is isolation would be prominent which is clearly evident. It seems like all he thinks about is his family, again highlighting how he wants company or even any form of contact with someone who is alive.
I was expecting a bit more, maybe the character to actually do something, or even reflect on a bit of drama that happened (possibly how he was separated from his family?), so the lack of it was really off-putting. But the originality of this kind of redeemed it, with the fact that I have read anything about a single survivor of an Apocalypse. So I think that's one of the most appealing aspects of this piece.
It was a nice read and I did enjoy it, but perhaps a little more was needed for it to actually have an impact.