How He Learned About Death - Comments

The concept is very interesting- something I've never seen before. You write a child's perspective very well, not falling into a single one of the annoying, stereotypical traps (grammar that's poor in unrealistic ways, too much whining, unrealistic speech impediments). I do think that perhaps you might consider making your paragraphs longer. Of course there are many places where you can't do this because of the dialogue-heavy nature of the writing. It's just a thought.

Comment swap bought me here! This is a sweet, innocent story, and I love how it is from a child's perspective. EP's way of thinking is absolutely naive yet adorable. I fell in love with the character of EP.. You, as the author, have a great writing style. What a terrific read!

I've had to re-read this several times before I really grasped what was going on. That's not a bad thing. I love how you created this young character and made it so easy to step into his shoes. I've never really read anything from a child's perspective on this website so I'm really glad to see it. I would agree with aesthetical. You can't go wrong with having a beta reader The simple grammar mistakes are easily overlooked in a story like this. Thanks for pulling on my heartstrings.

Mibbaween Treat! I am so sorry to have left this for so long!!
I thought this story was quite sweet and wonderful. I loved EP and his innocence. He seemed absolutely adorable!! I love how his childhood naivety is in stark contrast to his fathers brutal honestly and even Giovanna's honesty about her illness.
I enjoyed her character, I liked her acceptance of her fate, it made it seem so hauntingly sad. I liked her sweet nature and innocence.
This was a great read!

This is terribly sad! I love EP's innocence and naive nature, but it's hard to read about his father explaining heaven. I love Giovanna's character, too. She's very sweet and innocent herself. I think what makes this even harder to read is the fact that this could happen to anyone and it's already happening to loads of other people today. Anyway, you really pulled on my heartstrings with this one! Great job on this!

Something I noticed right away when I clicked into this story was in the summary. You wrote the word has when it should be had. I only mention this because if you're going to stay in the past tense, has is present and should be changed.

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Some things I noticed:

celebrated with his wife’s (?) : I feel like the word family should be after wife's.
He hasn’t seen them in... : He hadn't seen them in...
Don’t all Italians know... : Didn't all Italians know...

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I recommend getting a beta reader if you'd like all the little grammar things pointed out but I thought this story was really sweet. It was different and nice to read. I really liked how you portrayed EP and how you put some Italian in there, I don't come across stories with other languages present and I liked this. Good job.

Oblivious* but his vocabulary just didn't really fit a twelve year old. That's all :D

COMMI swap :D
I liked this smile story, I especially like how it was a take on your dads family.
I don't think I've ever seen a plot similar to this. It was written very well but there's a sentence in the first chapter that confused me. Don't remember which but I think it was around the part where his grandparents are mentioned dead, but it might have meant to be that way. I liked the concept of the boy being oblivios. This was also very good for experimenting with third person, it can be difficult.

This is . . . one of the best stories I've ever read on Mibba. Profound, too.

Thanks for producing a nugget of gold in a dumpster.

~Comment Swap~

You've you a nice idea here, it's something I haven't come across before, which is a breath of fresh air!

I like the way you've written about EP's character, he seems like a little outgoing kid. One thing I would say, is make the details a tad more child like, I'm not sure an eight year old would think like that.

A few grammar mistakes here and there, but nothing major.

Overall, I liked your piece, the layout was intriguing and it's well written. Good job!

I'm already bummed that there's only gonna be one more chapter after this. Nevertheless, a fantastically written story! I love EP's character, he's just one of those little nosy, into-everything kids. I love him already.

I'm excited to see how this story ends, and also a little worried because I'll probably end up crying.

{Comment Swap}
I like the style of this piece, it almost has the accent of a small American boy. It's quite something. You've really captured the feeling of the setting and the voice of EP. It's straight forward but captivating. I didn't notice any major errors in grammar or spelling so it's all good on that front. Good luck with the rest of it! X

I found this through comment swap! I thought the layout was interesting, and the photograph of the young boy at the top was intriguing. I got a little lost in the middle, where the story seemed to drag on a little but it picked up. I would say you should work a little more on having some of the details be childlike. You did a good job of this at some points but other times I thought this eight year old was having very mature thoughts. Besides that I thought it was good! Good luck with your story :)

@ partyhostile.
Hmm. It wasn't like that on my computer o.O I originally had the text off. When I update the chapter tomorrow I'll fix it.

I admit, the layout does look weird, but it does look like it has potential!
Only thing I don't like is how the text is on the picture, you know? Might make it hard for some people to read.