September 7th, 2013 at 11:47am
Holy crap, talk about a story that can keep you on the edge of your seat! I couldn't stop reading and didn't even move a single inch in my chair while doing so like I usually do. This is such a terrifying story and I had no idea that Fra Fee was a real person and then I looked at his Wikipedia and was like, "Oh, hey, that guy."
The way the story turned out took me by surprise. Eva's fear of the wendigos in the forest seemed like it would be an unneeded fear and that who she should really fear was Fra. When it was revealed that he wasn't interested in assaulting her, I was shocked. You built up the readers to believe that Fra is some typical pervert, but he turns out to be some dedicated provider for whatever lurks in the forest. And that's what's so perfect about your writing--you know how to shock us.
I did pick up some typos or potential errors:
"Eva tried to deeper the kiss, it was her first after all and she wanted to remember it well but Fra moved away." -- I'm not sure if you meant "deepen"?
"Eva was the hardest, took him a solid month to go anywhere with him alone." -- the "him" after "took" seems like it should be "her" but I'm not certain, I could be wrong.
Overall, this was so exciting to read. Definitely the type I'd love to see more of on this site.
I'm never playing hide 'n seek again. xD
I really do like that you build it up as if Fra is the culprit. I had thoughts of him being a serial killer or a rapist pretty much right up until he leaves her to be a sacrifice. He seems like the servant for something much bigger and you don't actually mention what that is. Usually, I'd complain about that but it adds to the overall atmosphere of the piece really well here.
The last line is really chilling. Although they got Fra, it just speaks to the fact that there is someone / something else out there that's probably going to be able to find a replacement for Fra and continue this whole thing. You get this sense of completion from the last line but you also get the sense that it isn't completely over and that it will happen again.
I think this could definitely be fleshed into a fully-chaptered story, but as a one-shot, it is extremely strong. I definitely enjoyed this, good job!