Hide 'n Seek - Comments

  • nearly witches.

    nearly witches. (15230)

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    I actually really liked this! I'm a bit of a sucker for horror, so when I came across this I knew I had to read it. I love stories that play on creepy versions of kid's games because they take something seemingly innocent and turn them into warped, twisted versions of themselves and I really liked that.

    I really do like that you build it up as if Fra is the culprit. I had thoughts of him being a serial killer or a rapist pretty much right up until he leaves her to be a sacrifice. He seems like the servant for something much bigger and you don't actually mention what that is. Usually, I'd complain about that but it adds to the overall atmosphere of the piece really well here.

    The last line is really chilling. Although they got Fra, it just speaks to the fact that there is someone / something else out there that's probably going to be able to find a replacement for Fra and continue this whole thing. You get this sense of completion from the last line but you also get the sense that it isn't completely over and that it will happen again.

    I think this could definitely be fleshed into a fully-chaptered story, but as a one-shot, it is extremely strong. I definitely enjoyed this, good job!
    September 7th, 2013 at 11:47am
  • lightning farron;

    lightning farron; (105)

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    Holy crap, talk about a story that can keep you on the edge of your seat! I couldn't stop reading and didn't even move a single inch in my chair while doing so like I usually do. This is such a terrifying story and I had no idea that Fra Fee was a real person and then I looked at his Wikipedia and was like, "Oh, hey, that guy." tehe

    The way the story turned out took me by surprise. Eva's fear of the wendigos in the forest seemed like it would be an unneeded fear and that who she should really fear was Fra. When it was revealed that he wasn't interested in assaulting her, I was shocked. You built up the readers to believe that Fra is some typical pervert, but he turns out to be some dedicated provider for whatever lurks in the forest. And that's what's so perfect about your writing--you know how to shock us.

    I did pick up some typos or potential errors:

    "Eva tried to deeper the kiss, it was her first after all and she wanted to remember it well but Fra moved away." -- I'm not sure if you meant "deepen"?

    "Eva was the hardest, took him a solid month to go anywhere with him alone." -- the "him" after "took" seems like it should be "her" but I'm not certain, I could be wrong.

    Overall, this was so exciting to read. Definitely the type I'd love to see more of on this site.

    I'm never playing hide 'n seek again. xD
    August 17th, 2013 at 04:52am
  • Maddi;

    Maddi; (6100)

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    This was seriously the creepiest thing ever! I just want to know what it was that killed the girls! Was it a monster? Was it Fra's secret double personality? (I don't even know where I got that idea from XD)
    I loved at the beginning, how to seemed to Eva that Fra was just being sweet and gentle, but really he's a creepy psychopath trying to trick her by playing hide and seek. Hide and seek is already creepy enough as it is, so you just took that childhood terror over the top.
    This was totally creepy and I really enjoyed reading it!
    August 16th, 2013 at 09:29pm
  • somethingsimple

    somethingsimple (100)

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    very interesting. maybe my character Baldemar is what ate her.
    July 6th, 2013 at 08:27am
  • psychotic secrets;

    psychotic secrets; (1400)

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    @ vitalstorm

    I wanted to give many possibilities on what killed her. Kind of the ultimate mystery and the reader has to use his/her own imagination to piece it together. At least thats what I'm striving for. Thank you so much, that comment was amazing.
    June 2nd, 2013 at 04:47am
  • viralstorm

    viralstorm (100)

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    "Eva never had a boy pursuit her before." (pursue maybe?)

    Why is your work so flawless? Do you see what you do to me? You leave me completely baffled. By the time that I have to comment on what I just read, all I can think is WOW. You seriously have no idea how refreshing it is to read work that isn't all bubblegum and rainbows.

    At the first mention of Wendigos I thought that he was going to be leading her to some creature for sacrifice. That was some seriously great foreshadowing. When we are told that he has done this many times before, I started to wonder if maybe he was killing them himself. I was wracking my brain for a reason why he would do this, so when the officer asks him, his reply baffled me.

    Man without a head? SAY WHAT? Whatchu mean there is a man without a head? I am going to check out the Wiki links to try and understand this. Haha I is confused.

    This was spectacular as always, lovely.
    June 2nd, 2013 at 04:20am
  • Jordypye

    Jordypye (1400)

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    I loved this so much, ugh poor Eva Cry
    May 30th, 2013 at 10:31am
  • TaraJanee

    TaraJanee (150)

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    Assuming that this is the only chapter, I'll do my comment now. (:

    On examining the layout, my first impression was that this was going to be some kind of story that was going to be a Saw-like torture scene. But I am glad to say that there was a good basis of story-telling.

    The story described in a way that is quaint, to the point, and almost like a scary tale. Which is definitely something that drew me in. A lot about the way a person tells the contents of the story is what gives the roots for something creepy. But there’s also that sense of feeling that I felt you cleverly blended together, since it gave me something to relate to. And I definitely got that gloomy legendary, tell around the fire, type of voice.

    Their relationship is very sadly sweet at first! It’s a sugar coated sort attraction that’s approached like tickling hesitantly at a too-young king of taboo. Especially the parts where they’re flirting and chasing each other in the woods.

    I loved, “She didn't know what she should do. Her older sister always told her to play along with the boys.” It was such a real kind of thought, which was perfectly human and realistic.

    In fact, I think a lot of Eva’s actions and responses are incredibly realistic. Especially in the lines: “Eva's eyes flickered around her. She didn't want to go into the forest alone.”

    That reaction is something that I could just imagine in a movie, or I genuinely think I might think like that if I were in the same situation haha. Fra, I think, was a little less on that down-to-earth vibe. But just the way that she has that sort of quick biting thought just before she replies to him. Just those little processes were done well, and that made me feel like Eva is an actual character with depth.

    When I was reading through it, I genuinely did not expect that from Fra. It was such a dark and gloomy ending that I couldn’t help but just feel badly for the both of them. Sure Fra was a psychopath and let all these girls get killed, but maybe he was doing it to save them? Maybe he was doing it to save himself? A scared boy is an easily influenced boy. But anyway, very dark. And I love the mystery as to what ate her. The words you use were pretty well descriptive, and I was especially able to put the picture in my head when he was walking away from her and she was screaming. “Fra could faintly hear tears of flesh which meant his job was done.” That was a good little scene.

    Unfortunately it did not scare me, but it was definitely a good read! Interesting, unique, and marvellous writing. Thanks for entering the contest and good luck. (:
    May 23rd, 2013 at 08:08am
  • Ragdoll.

    Ragdoll. (100)

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    I'm actually entered into the same contest as you, so I guess this is a little bit of rivalry!!

    I loved your story! You have set the scene amazingly well, and I felt like I was in some sort of Grimm brothers fairytale! I'm not entirely sure on who Fra is, and how he is famous, but that didn't bother me in the slightest since I enjoyed the story anyway! The only confusion I really had was what happened at the end and I was left befuddled! In any case, it was a mysterious ending and is perfect that way!

    The layout was simple and suited the tone of the story. It was definitely completely different to how I imagined it might be. Horror stories often contain similar content, but yours was quite unique!

    This has tempted me to read more of your horror stories!
    May 22nd, 2013 at 12:18pm
  • RaeStardust.

    RaeStardust. (100)

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    This was amazing. Oh my goodness.
    I love how you did this. Have you ever read the book Cryer's Cross by Lisa McMann? After I read this, that was the first thing that popped into my head. Your descriptions are so lovely and I love how you used Creature Feature for an inspiration. I loved this.
    May 10th, 2013 at 11:30pm
  • Fantasy Writer Hina

    Fantasy Writer Hina (885)

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    Sorry about the Fra thing. I mistook it the link for another legend/myth page on wikipedia. My bad but. Facepalm
    May 5th, 2013 at 07:56pm
  • Fantasy Writer Hina

    Fantasy Writer Hina (885)

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    This was really spooky and it kept my attention entire time. I knew what Wendigos were, but not Fra. You took two myths/legends and combined them into a brilliantly pulled off horror story! It takes a lot of skill to pull off horror such as this one, but you did it and I have to commend you for that, good job!

    I noticed that in this sentence:
    Ava was so beautiful and one of the only true virgins in the town that would satisfy Them which is why he chose her.
    Ava is supposed to be Eva. But it's a minor mistake since both names sound similar and the E and A keys are close together. Cute

    Other than, there was nothing else I spotted. You did a great job with this story Cute
    May 5th, 2013 at 07:55pm
  • psychotic secrets;

    psychotic secrets; (1400)

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    @ January Rose

    I thought a twist would suit the story. You can use your imagination on who killed Eva, so anyone could have killed her. And thank you! I hope I place in at least one.
    April 30th, 2013 at 12:30am
  • January Rose

    January Rose (100)

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    That was really good, but not what I was expecting. At the beginning I thought he was going to rape her, since it seemed like the most obvious twist. And then it just turns out that he is leaving her there for some beast like creature to devour her?! Amazing! Loved the twist!
    Although, I kind-of wish I knew what killed Eva. Everyone in the town was scared of them so were they werewolves? Vampires? Some other type of mystical creature that devours people? I got to know!
    Great job on your entry for the contest, and I hope you get at least 1st place in one of them! Smile
    April 30th, 2013 at 12:23am
  • broken bells

    broken bells (145)

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    A story like this was definitely not what I was expecting when I started the contest but you did it really well. I love reading horror stories but I find it difficult for me to find one that I like. This one was really good! I liked how Eva didn't end up going with him right away, how it took some time for her to agree to leave with him. And the ending, "The man with no head told me to."

    Overall, it was creepy and I enjoyed it, being a huge horror fan. Great job! :)
    April 29th, 2013 at 05:53pm
  • psychotic secrets;

    psychotic secrets; (1400)

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    @ electric goat

    Thank you. I tried to add "sexy" time for you too. But like I said, horror is easier. I'm glad you liked it.
    April 28th, 2013 at 11:59pm
  • gar-bage

    gar-bage (300)

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    AHHHH oh my gosh, this was so perfectly creepy. Fra's face is absolutely perfect to picture for a guy like this. I have goosebumps. You are incredibly talented! I love it. :)
    April 28th, 2013 at 11:56pm
  • gar-bage

    gar-bage (300)

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    AHHHH oh my gosh, this was so perfectly creepy. Fra's face is absolutely perfect to picture for a guy like this. I have goosebumps. You are incredibly talented! I love it. :)
    April 28th, 2013 at 11:56pm