An Imperial Affliction - Comments

@ Sunber

Thank you! I have more written and I go more in-depth, I've just been really lazy with updating.

I think I'll add a bit more then see about your idea on making the first three chapters into a prologue.

I've always added too many commas! I'll try reading aloud, thanks for the tip.

The Fault in Our Stars is actually one of my favourite novels and I've always been curious about the fictional novel within it. Your rendition is really quite interesting although has only really covered basically exactly what The Fault in Our Stars covers in the book. What I would love to see would be more of your original ideas about the idea. Yes, the facts of the fictional novel should be there, but more, more, more! I could even see the first three chapters being all put together into a prologue instead of three separate chapters. They seem to be the lead up to the real story, which you've portrayed as her foundation's creation. Which could be interesting (or you could flip this around on me, and make it not about that...I guess we'd see. Haha).

I really love how you introduced that her mother has one eye and she has cancer; that it was a normal scene for her neighbours to see the one-eyed mother and hair-less daughter in the garden, but it would probably be an odd sight for strangers to observe.

In chapter two, I really enjoyed the line "where for the healthy death is simply part of life; the healthy don't think much of it."

Grammatically, I noticed that you're keen on comma's, which is normal. I'm big on run-on sentences (shh!). To help make this less of a problem I have two suggestions: read out loud when editing. You'll notice when a comma is not needed, or when you can change a sentence to limit your comma splices. And two: add more detail. Get really into the surroundings and the character's moods and just DESCRIBE. This will cause less comma's (mayyyybe...might give you more, actually ) and create longer chapters and more of a connected feeling for the readers to your characters, which is what you're looking for.

Overall, good job! And great choice!

Also, side note: Your story's status has an L at the end instead of an exclamation point!

Now, I have not read The Fault in Our Stars, but from what I have gathered from friends of mine who have it seems like you are trying to write the fictional book itself that John Green wrote about in his book. If that is the case, I highly recommend that you rethink your plot lines because that is considered stealing and I know that Mibba does not like people who plagiarize.

I am not trying to be rude or mean here, but I am trying to help you become a better writer by being original and creative at the same time.

The three chapters you have written can all be combined into one chapter. You are redundant in a lot of areas in all three chapters. You need to re-read each chapter carefully so you do not repeat the same things. Some of the sentences can be combined to make compound sentences and it will eliminate the little sentences, but still help get your point across. Just like everybody is undead; mentioned in her comment below, you do overuse the commas. Instead of having someone help you edit, re-reading your work slowly and carefully will help you become a better editor. I'm still teaching myself how to edit my own papers and sometimes a second pair of eyes is good. Another good editing tool to use is before you post the chapters, of course edit them so you don't have to edit later, but as soon as you are done writing the chapter, put it away and then don't look at it for a few days. Sure it impairs the update process, but looking at the piece with fresh eyes helps you pick out errors faster and allows you to edit it much better. Again, I am still teaching myself to do that as well.

Keep in mind that description keeps readers wanting more. Being descriptive takes patience and practice, but the more you try and be descriptive the better you will get at it. When you write dialogue it needs to be spaced out. Yes, you did good with making the dialogue separate paragraphs, but making it single spaced can make it difficult to read. Mibba requires you to have two spaces in between paragraphs and that includes dialogue as well.

Overall, this can be a good story, but I still think you need to clarify the rules of the contest, because I think you misread them. The rules clearly state that you take a fictional fiction piece and create your own story line, not try and write the story itself. However, you may have gotten permission to do this and if that's the case, I apologize for stating that you were trying to steal the story line. Even though I did not read The Fault in Our Stars, one of my friends told me that the story wasn't completely told within Green's novel, but that does not give you the right to try and write it yourself. I apologize if this sounds harsh, but as a judge for the contest, I need to be honest.

@ everybody is undead;

Thank you so much for your comment! I found the criticism really helpful. I've always had trouble with descriptions, so it was nice to be told which parts needed more description.

This is a really interesting plotline. A lot of the stories containing forms of cancer that I've seen have revolved around a lost love sort of thing, but judging by your summary and what I've read so far, this is going to be more about Anna and her struggles to expose Hamel. That isn't an idea I've seen before, so kudos to you for thinking this up!

You give a lot of information within the first few chapters, both in regards to Anna as a character and her disease. I don't know much about Multiple Myleoma, so I'm glad you added the flashback / diagnosis scene for your second chapter because it gives the reader a lot of information about the disease that they may not necessarily know about. You've evidently put a lot of work into the research for this piece and that shows really well throughout your writing.

Anna as a character is also very intriguing. You've written her in such a way that she seems strong, but in other ways is very relateable. As a main character, she needs to have that human element and I think you're doing well in portraying that so far throughout your writing style.

A few points of concrit to round this off! Where your description and characterisation are well-rounded in areas, they do lack somewhat in other parts of the chapters. I'd expand on some of your descriptions in places to give even more of a sense of Anna's surroundings and feelings. Another thing I noticed is that you over-use commas sometimes. To combat that, I'd suggest reading out the chapter aloud and only using commas where your speech would pause naturally.

All in all, an enjoyable little piece! I've never read The Fault in Our Stars, but I can read this as a standalone and you have a lovely writing style!