Broken Lives - Comments

I’m here as the new judge for the ‘Pre-Writes #2’ contest.

This is such a mercilessly heartbreaking story. Like wow, you just ripped that band-aid right off and SURPRISE, a little kid dies in a really brutal way and the story focuses on his broken parents. I think it messed me up even more that Daniel had absolutely no idea. He thought he was going to work with this detachment that cops usually learn to develop and instead, he was met with the brutality of his son being the victim. That seriously messed me up because I can’t imagine that. I’ve seen it done in some crime shows (albeit not often) but it breaks my heart every time.

I appreciate the simplicity of your prose in this because you focus more on the emotions than the details. It really adds more weight to the overall story. Especially with Grace never leaving the bed and Daniel busying his hands constantly. They both want to comfort each other but they’re also sinking into their own coping mechanisms. I would love to see where you had planned on taking this because I can’t imagine that they would allow Daniel to remain on the investigation case at all, but I also don’t see Daniel just idly sitting by and waiting for them to catch the perp either. I’d also love to know who because I want to understand what made them do it to such a little kid in such an awful and painful way.

So definitely an interesting story with a lot of emotions, good job!

Hi there! I’ve taken a rather long time, but here I am.
This story is really very well written. The layout is simple but pretty, and it sets the mood of the story. Because the summary didn’t give away anything, I was wondering what this would be about. The first chapter surprised me. It was intense. I really want you to update this soon; I’d like to see where this goes. You’ve proceeded very well and the description in the story is nice. I did spot a few grammatical errors, but that’s fine by me.
A hit and run is really disturbing. Not to mention it was a child. I don’t even know what to feel right now, for not so long ago, I myself wrote a one shot on the issue. Anyway, it was a nice read. Definitely recommending and subscribing. Update soon and keep up the fabulous work! :)

Oh my god, no no no. Reading this story was a mistake right now (because of my own personal life, not you at all ). It hit me harder than it should have because it's honestly really that good.

First off: the initial chapter is the big 'wtf, wait, what?' because I was really not expecting it to be a kid dying. I got a clue from the title that it would be a little bit sad, but this was heart-wrenching. I figured that out a little bit through the chapter by the diction (which is wonderful by the way -- really good use of words to clue the readers into it being a child) that it was a kid, and it broke my heart. I was so sure that he was going to live, but he didn't. Ugh :,( I really loved what you did with the last lines of the first chapter by doing those little (I don't know what to call them) character infos, I guess you could say. The kid one and mentioning his dream -- OH MY what a way to really just emphasize the loss of a child. That was genius. You did a great job of really packing emotion into this story. The emotions and reactions of the parents were realistic, and it was very easy to follow along afterwards. Usually crying is so overdone and dramatic in stories, but you've executed it perfectly here.

All in all, this was a really sad read, but it is something I would continue to read IF THERE WERE MORE CHAPTERS! -hint- I couldn't imagine myself in the parents' situation, oh my god. This story is going to stick with me for awhile. Well done.

First of all I have to say I don't usually read stories set in the real world because I find them to be boring but this held my attention. The layout is simple but it sets the tone really well. I like how the story is told from the POV of the dying son first and then the father, I'm usually not a fan of crying but I didn't mind so much here.

However in the chapter Numb in the sixth passage I believe you meant to write now but wrote know.

The layout though. I love the picture you've used. Seeing it made me think purely of sadness, which my reading the first few lines f the story captures exactly what I presume it to be about. I love how you've stuck to using dark colours. It gives the story and eery feeling which I really like.

The three sentences you've used as a summary are so powerful. They drew me in straight away.

So straight away I'm already worried and feeling so sorry for the character. He seems like a really young child which just makes me more anxious. I love the questions you've used eg ''why did his eyelids feel so heavy?'' This makes me think of how a young child would actually speak, not really knowing what was wrong, just knowing that things didn't feel right. Also how he only wants his mummy is really touching. Oh my god, when he feels guilty because his mother is crying. That's so heartbreaking.

In chapter three, the way you describe the fathers pain is so real. I can only imagine what losing a child feels like, but you have written it so well. The anger you described, the tears that couldn't help falling and finally the realization that his little boy was gone. All beautifully thought out and the chapter flows so well.

I've recommended this and I can't wait for more.

Ohmygod I'm like shivering, trying to stop myself from crying. When the mother said "He said… he said… he’d see us, when he… woke up.” I just... ;n;

I think you caught the devastation his death left in his family really well.

Sorry it took so long to get back to you!

Ah this really got to me! Chapter one made my heart hurt! I hate when kids die in stories/tv/movies :/ I think the mother's reaction was very realistic, as were the police's. I also think Daniel being numb was very realistic too, a lot of people react like that after the death of a family member. Overall, great writing, it really pulls you in and you conveyed a bunch of different reactions to death very well. :]

This was not what I was expecting, but I mean that in a good way. In the first chapter it was a bit abrupt. How you described things didn't necessarily flow, instead you described things in short sentences which really "pierces" the reader. This also was painful to read because I don't like death too much, but how you described this pain really brought a lot of beauty this piece. I'm also very interested in the cop now... but this is really well written!

Okay, so I saw this in the stories section and didn't know you had written it until I opened it.

The short summary really drew me in, just wanted to say that.

First chapter. Wow. Okay. So I am a sensitive person, truly really sensitive. I started tearing up as soon as I realized this child was dying, and when the mother started to speak? Holy mother of balls, #uglycrying. Made it even emotional including the dream of this kid. I need a tissue...

Oh wow... so that was his son? Wow. Talk about a twist. Gonna make me cry even more.

the child was his little man, his little Lukey.
mhm.
Yep.
Emotional.

“He said… he said… he’d see us, when he… woke up.”

;_;

Summary of my thoughts on the story: This is a very well done story. The way you wrote this is chalk full of raw emotion that I think people tend to stay away from. Child death? Hardly ever do I read stories that are centered around this because it's a very hard topic. No one should have to deal with the loss of a child, especially a death of a child that was so... awful. I can't imagine being in their shoes. Knowing some guy hit their kid and left... not getting out to help or to even call a paramedic. Just... wow. Amazing.

Decided it would be better to comment instead of a blog since it's short.

UGH but I read this before when it was featured in the magazine! It brings tears! This just gives me so many feels, for real. It's so dramatic and the description of what he feels is heart-breaking. He doesn't even know what's happening. I hate hit & run drivers.

oh my lord, these chapters are so sad, but they convey so much. it was honestly so hard for me to read them; nonetheless, they were beautifully written. i especially like your use of descriptions. not too much, not too little. lovely job. (:

Merry Christmas
sorry this is so late

I like how the chapters are very short and simple, yet they convey so much emotion and really paint an image. I'm a sucker for short and sad stories, so this was really interesting. I like your use of description; not over the top and not too broad.

AND THE THING AT THE END WITH THE COP IS REALLY WHOA OK IT'S WHOA.

HIS FATHER IS THE COP OH MY GOD.

That is so sad! Finding out his son died because he was the hit and run he had to investigate! Just wow. And then his last word's, omg you broke my heart. I loved the emotion that was put into this and like the person below me said, chapter one could have been a thing on it's own. But then you drop that sad bomb on us the second time!

It was really well written and S A D OTL

I thought this was very good. The diction was simplistic and comfortable while also being effective and impacting. I loved it entirely and I think you made some great decisions throughout. His naivety to the whole concept was heartbreaking in that he was only a child. You also conveyed the mother well. Losing a child is a sharp and abrupt pain and the quickness of her reaction was perfectly done.

The first chapter could have been a standalone in it's punchy nature. His last words were a stab to the heart and it could've wrapped the piece up right there. Even yet, the second chapter was just as well written and was lovely and heartbreaking to read, just like the story is as a whole. xx poison

I don't think anything on this site has ever moved me to tears before. This is the first.

That first chapter was just... wow! You captured the innocence of the little boy so effectively there. The fact that he didn't fully know or understand what was happening to him, and the little snippets of description of his mum crying in the background made it all the more heartbreaking. And how he thought that he was just going to sleep. I saw a comment or two mentioning that the stats of the name and cause of death at the end didn't fit, but I disagree with that. It's a very sombre way to end the chapter, and very fitting I think! I liked it anyway. There are so many things that are done well in that chapter. It's simply excellent, well-executed, and I honestly don't think there's anywhere to improve.

The second chapter is good because it gives a little background on the cause of death. I know that it gave the cause of death at the end of the first chapter, but it was nice to see that elaborated on. It also gives an effective contrast between the innocence of the first chapter, and the educated, official view of the second. The same death is shown in two different ways, and it really adds depth to the story. However personally, I preferred the first chapter to the second one.

I'm hoping that this story will turn into something amazing, because it has a really promising start. I'm curious to know where this is going to go. Good luck with it! :D

This is incredibly sad. You are a wonderful writer. This peace shows it very well. I love the detail you have in the story. It makes it that much more believable.

I think this is a wonderful story. I hope that you have a wonderful day.

Wow this is beyond intense. You captured me from the very first sentence. It's amazing how quickly you were able to draw me in from such short and blunt words. That's what made it so powerful I think. I love the way that you slowly unwind the story as you go on. You begin with having a panic and hazy sort of perspective, and then you let it unravel piece by piece until we know where this is going.

When he felt bad for making his own Mum cry, that seriously anchored into my heart. It was such raw emotion, and so very realistic that it just made me feel disturbed for him. And then the very end. That small profile that you gave him. Jesus, that hit home. You let it all out into the open, and you did it so bluntly and so truthfully.

Then we get to take a step back. You begin with incredibly sophisticated writing in your second chapter. We get to breathe, we get to go back to the world we know and can understand properly. And I was so crushed at the end. Your writing is absolutely beautiful. You deliver your emotion to the hearts of your readers and it's astonishing.

I can't wait to read more. I have a feeling this will turn into something angry. Or maybe just something very sad. But I hope we find some happiness too. Amazing.

The summary was almost enough to make me cry but that first chapter was so heart wrenching! I felt so bad for Luke and his mother. You really captured the emotions in it very well and your writing style fits well with the type of story. So, I'm guessing every chapter a new person will die? It's interesting. It'd also be cool to see the different ways people die. One thing I didn't like was the little profile thing at the end. It just didn't really seem to fit with the flow of the story, I dunno. Overall good job though!

First of all. I cried, you cow. haha.

Second of all, I really like this idea, although im not sure exactly what's going to happen, and that makes me really nervous inside. My heart absolutely broke, being a mother and reading that first chapter. The second chapter has me more on edge though, because I have a feeling that the end information is the most important. My prediction is that the officer who dropped his ID is going to die. -bites nails- I like this, continue it please ^.^ It has a slightly...Final Destination feel.

Halloween Gift! It's late, sorry about that.

I can tell this is going to get to me already. I get very caught up in fiction, so the injustic that is sure to come will play on my mind.

No way do you start off with the death of a child. No. It was horrible, in a way that is a compliment to you. It was written well, so it made me sad to see the kid die.

As I noticed somebody has said in the comment, the jumping tensing thing did stick out to me and distracted me from the story bit.

I have absolutely no idea what's coming next.