Broken Lives - Comments

This was utterly heart wrenching! The emotion you put into this was just enough to make it realistic and not over dramatic. I will be subscribing in a hope to find out what happens next!

Oh god, this is heartbreaking. When I was reading the first chapter, my heart was breaking because you could feel the pain and confusion and the innocence; you could feel that he really wanted his mother. There was so much emotion towards the end of chapter one, but I will agree with what someone else said. In the beginning, it felt a little forced. You started picking it up and it started flowing better towards the middle of the chapter, and it was fantastic. My heart was breaking for Luke and for his mother, and it hurt when he finally went to sleep.

However, something else happened as you wrote. You jumped between tenses. You were writing in past tense, then you were writing in present for a few sentences and would go back to past again. I've done it before, but you need to pick a tense and stick with it because it disrupts the flow. You'll gain a good amount before I have to stop and go, "Oh."

"Love you and daddy too." He whispers meekly. "See you when I wake up." He drifts off to the sound of his mummy as she begins to cry louder.
* it should be 'whispered' and 'drifted' as well as 'begun'. All past tense.

That's really the only thing I had wrong with this story; just the fact that the tenses would switch and it would disrupt the flow of your writing. I really do think you have a gem here, though, because I've never read a story about a hit and run when it's an often occurrence in the real world, and too many people go unpunished for it. I really am curious to know what happens next because I really did not expect the end of chapter two, at all. You have me hooked.

this is so real. The little boys's innocence really shined through. He's so sweet and adorable, and the end of chapter 2 was really wow. I did not expect that at all. Hope you continue with this, as i'd love to hear of the fathers reaction and everything that happens afterwards :)

For something so utterly simple, you really delivered.

I like this, the realness of the little boy, how the words are words he could've used easily. It really speaks on the concept of death, you just sort of know it's happening, and it's almost as natural as a kid playing soccer.

It makes me feel angry that hit and runs are a common occurrence and that they usually go unpunished. You've really got a gem here. Best of luck!

My heart broke;  the summary had me right away. The way this flowed was good too. Poor Luke though, you definitely hit some feels with this. Kudos, love!

I really liked the description at the beginning of the chapter, but as it moves it starts to seem a little forced. other than that, this was really good! It evoked emotion and I almost cried. Great job!

This actually made me cry, I'm not lying and I don't really cry at things I read. This is really well written and my god, I really wanted to help the little boy myself and god, I loved this so much.

I love what an easy read this is. It's really sad, but very sweet. It went from her assuring him to him assuring her. You never had to say he was dying or that it was blood in his mouth, or even how he was dying for that matter, you just kind of get it. And I like how even in the narrator's persepective you got a sense of how scared the boy was and how he spoke of the blood as "funny tasting thick liquid". Very sad :c

This made me cry. The description of the little boy not feeling his legs and having blood in his mouth I just, oh my god. Its just so sad how common this actually is in the real world people hitting children and fleeing the scene the mothers sobs made my heart twitch in pain.

The summary was so simple yet so captivating, it blew me away. I am officially in love with the first chapter and the story itself in general. It's so sad how different reality is from what can the little mind of a young angel think. You have to update as soon a spossible. Bookmarked.

I can't even explain how this wrenched my heart. I think the part that got me the most was when he felt guilty for making his mom cry...that was a great glimpse into a child's mind, because obviously he doesn't understand what's happening. Oh, and the part where he told her he would see them when he woke up. GAH! This was written well, the emotion so real. I loved it. I hope there's going to be more!

That summary. That emotion. My feels. Dear Lord.

I like your use of fragments in the beginning. It made it more suspenseful and the whole time I was sitting here like, "AW SHIT WHAT'S HAPPENING?!?!" Plus it emphasizes that the mind is one of a child's. Your imagery in this is beautiful. I like how you showed what was happening and waited to tell us until the very end. Very nice touch.

Let's talk about my feels now. DEAR LORD! MY HEART! I CAN LITERALLY FEEL IT BREAKING. Ugh my feels. What really got me is how you made the child so confused about death. The other thing that got me was that he was a child. You don't really see stories like this on here so it was refreshing in a sense. You really captured the sad emotion in this. Is this going to stay a one shot? I'll subscribe anyway just in case it doesn't. This was so beautiful. Great job!

Oh my goodness, that was really emotional. You really captured how simple it would be for a child to die in their minds - they wouldn't understand what was happening at all, it would just be as easy as falling asleep. But the confusion at the start when he wasn't sure what was happening to him - that really broke my heart! And his mom was written incredibly well too. The last four lines really got me. Somehow, it really sums up how life is everything and then suddenly, it's nothing.

D’aw. That was freaking sad! I’m just going to warn you first off that this is my first official story comment and I kind of suck at it.

So I agree with the previous comments that the beginning is a little choppy. But I honestly don’t think that’s any fault of yours. It’s usually natural to put yourself in the character’s shoes and it threw me through a loop when I realized he was a child. So I had to go back and read it again and it flowed much more nicely. But as a mother it was really emotional for me to read because this is seriously every mother’s greatest fear and it gave me chills. I had to go hug my baby.

So my question now. Are you planning on making this a chaptered story? Or just keeping it a one shot? Because I think it could work very well either way.

I'm not even sure what to say. I just about cried, I can tell you that much. I actually have goosebumps on my arm as I'm typing. That was an emotional piece of work right there. You have to have a good amount of talent to put that kind of emotion into a story. Everything you wrote was wonderful, but those last four lines were what hit me the most. That's when I about lost it.

Ah, just perfection!

Ugh. Why you do this to my heart? At first I seriously thought he had been kidnapped and was being drugged, and things were going to get really ugly. In a way, I was a bit relieved when his mother began talking to him. I was thankful that she had found him and that somehow things would be okay. I was sharing Luke's shoes. Then you shredded all the hope in my heart up and let him die. I couldn't believe it. I'm so sad now. Like, why you kill the poor baby?

It's funny cause I'm blaming you instead of being mad at this fictional hit and run asshole. My heart hurts. Why couldn't he have pulled through?

I didn't see any spelling or grammatical errors, so bravo! This was so good, but I'm still mad at you for throwing my soul in a blender.

That was powerful, wow! Sad also but I liked it! I didn't spot anything wrong and it flows great, it has description which I love and it just flows with emotion! Nice!

Well that was sad. I was kind of upset when I got to the end, I guess I don't really like things with children dying. The only spelling error I found was in the fifth paragraph practice was spelled practise, I didn't see much else so that's a good thing.
Like I said, it was very sad but I enjoyed it. I'm curious to see where you take this story.

Well, this definitely isn't what I was thinking it would be judging by the summary. But nonetheless it was good. I have a particular fondness for sad stories and this was definitely one of them. Like NeonAbyss said, it was a little choppy in the beginning and it threw me off a little. But once I kept reading, I feel like it was the right choice. I think the choppiness of it adds to the intensity of the situation. So in this instance it works! Good job here!

Alright, I really wasn't expecting this! Definitely a tearjerker through and through. I liked the way you ended it,explaining to the reader what happened to Luke, also. The emotion in this is raw and real, and you did a good job.

Judging ends on the 20th. Any contest winners will be further notified by me.