Ave Maria - Comments

I’m here as the new host for ‘The Writing Contest’.

This one-shot was actually so absorbing from beginning to end. I’m not sure if it was because of the concept or the writing style that completely got me, but I think it might have been both. I enjoyed the opening paragraph with the skyline of New York, and that hooking line “there were also people as small as dirt and people who acted as gods.” — I think that got me the most. I loved the idea of this character doing what she thinks she has to do, but she doesn’t justify what she’s doing either. In fact, she doesn’t hold herself any higher than the people she’s killing. It showed me, as the reader, that she still had some humanity inside of her. The Latin really added another level to both the story and the character, as well.

But you also used really blunt, unapologetic sentences to deliver the execution of a really dark idea. They were sharp and very straightforward, yet had a lot of detail to provide the picture needed to understand the depth of this piece. It was really well done.

Goodness. This was perfection. I loved the Latin, and I think that was what really drew this story out from the pack. Going on that, the way that you separated the prayer helped bring the reader through the story. It's a delicate balance of Latin and description that always takes some working with, but you have it perfectly. I think, with the language a really important part of this story, you were able to use that separation to exemplify the importance of it.

Your descriptions, they are grounded just perfectly. Going just on the details, I was able to picture the city as it was, with that cold air blowing around. Added to that my personal experience, and your story and its details just blew me out of the water.

I just loved this line here: She considered herself as a sinner. No better than the man that she was going to kill tonight. For me, it grounds the idea that she wasn't just a random person being a vigilante (one may think that). But because she is just like the man, it adds another something to the story. I don't know what exactly, but this line is fantastic.

Overall, given your details and the integrated Latin in this story, I really enjoyed reading this. It was something different that I've been looking for. You really are an amazing writer. Keep up the great work!

Your summary is absolutely fantastic. It's to the point, and mysterious. It really sets the tone for the character. It's a great solid foundation.

The title is also great - so appropriate and all the Latin weaved in was brilliant. It flowed naturally with the piece and I really enjoyed that.

I like the comparison of the New York skyline and the people, and how she was standing on one of the tall buildings. I didn't understand this line though
"A cold gust of wind gently blew and even though she was wearing a black suit, she didn't seem to mind it. "
I just don't see the connection between the cold wind and a black suit? Maybe an 'only' needs to be in there? It just stuck out to me.

Your character is developed so well for such a short piece. I can see all these levels to her just unfolding before my eyes and it's beautiful. Everything about her and what's going on, just makes so much sense.

Good luck in the contest!

the summary instantly drew me in, especially because of the Latin and the religious terminology. I love, love, love religion as a topic and have been blue since having to drop it as a subject, so I'm excited to read this.

I have google translate up and I'm ready to go. I want to read it without knowing the speech first, and then try it with google translate to see what the difference is like.

This is so creative and original and a little confusing, but not because of the Latin. I don't know much, but I do know that I'm going to read this more in the future. I really love it, so I don't really have anything constructive to say.

Here's my opinion now that I understand the Latin. By the way, I love the use of Latin in the story, it just wouldn't have the same feel without it, I don't think. I think that the character is so interesting. I want to know more about her, about her past and her future and her background in regards to her religion. The character is probably my favourite thing about the story. Amen!

guuuurl.
this story is life.

The layout is really plain and usually I don't like that, but this works and I love it.
I'm pretty sure it's the colour scheme.
I'm not that big a fan of full coloured layouts; I prefer ones that use shades.

I know this was for a comment swap* (I accidentally wrote swag then ), but I can't make a long-ass comment because this is perfection and I love it and I have nothing bad to say.

Except
that
one
does
not
pull
a
trigger

You squeeze the trigger; it's smoother and more easily controlled, recoil-wise

-Comment Swap- The layout is really nice. It’s simple and easy to read. Many religious themed stories often leave me a bit confused but I had little problem with this one. The Latin also confused me but it didn’t do much to put me off. I loved your description of New York and just the way the story is written in general. It’s short and simple with the perfect amount of description and detail.

“She considered herself as a sinner. No better than the man that she was going to kill tonight.” The fact that she has no name made this sentence stand out to me; I’m not really sure how to explain why so I’ll just leave it at that.

The whole thing just flowed perfectly. It's original and unlike anything I've read before. Good work

This is a really unusual but amazing concept. The idea of someone killing by the word of God isn't an idea that I've read before, so you've definitely done a good job on the originality front! I also like that she feels like she is doing something wrong and doesn't justify her killings completely through her religion. It shows that she has a little human compassion left and isn't completely heartless. I liked the simplicity of this as well. SHE goes, aims and shoots, simple as that. Many people might have botched it up by using too much description, but yo've kept it basic and it works really well in that respect. I'm definitely impressed by this piece!

I'll be announcing the winners of the contest at some point this week, so good luck!

I'm assuming that this was a prequel of sorts to Atonement? It all sounded incredibly familiar. Regardless, I enjoyed it this time still. I love the fact that you're writing religious based stuff like this - I never see it on Mibba. It's hard to do and pull off, though, which is one reason I think that most don't even attempt. You, though, on the other hand my dear, do incredibly well with it. This story has an extremely creepy air all around it. And it still blows my mind that this woman thinks what she's doing is justified in the name of the Lord. If I'm totally and completely honest, this or Atonement could easily be turned into one of those religious thriller / horror / mystery movies. And I would watch the absolute shit out of it, no lie.

Ooooh. The summary really intrigued me. I'm not into religion, but I was really interested for some reason. So I decided to continue reading.

Your simple writing style in this one got me. I loved how well you described New York. You made it sound gorgeous and then your details and descriptions about the girl were perfect. You gave us enough description, but left an air of mystery, which I thought was really great.

This was such a mysterious one shot to me. The girl who stands up on top of the New York skyline and whispers strange things and kills a man. It was simple and creative. And I like how she came to resolution with the idea that the man had no use in the world anyway.

Good job. <3

Stunning. That is the only thing I have to say to describe this piece. Absolutely Stunning.

I've never read any religious stories nor did I ever plan to, but because I said I'll comment, I shall continue. The layout is simple but gorgeous, and the summary so far intrigues me.

As a whole, I thought the story was really interesting and nothing like I've ever read before. I didn't understand the Latin, but I thought it fitted in with the main character well. The story flowed well and I found myself continuously interested as I read on. In all honesty, I didn't expect to like it, considering its religious nature, but I did and for my first religious related piece, I'm glad this was my first. If I were to give any criticism, I'd say that I wish that this wasn't finished, because I thought it would make a good prologue or first chapter to a bigger story. Otherwise, I really enjoyed it

I love the way you ended this. And I thought the latin just fit perfectly with the mood and theme of the story. You described everything here so well, I really really like it.

When I was first reading you describing the city, I was not expecting it to take the direction it did at all! Ave Maria seems like such an elegant, beautiful name, so I like that she's a mercenary and sort of the opposite of what her name makes her seem. I really loved the ending too! I thought the amen was just perfect.
The only thing I really noticed is that you do have good varying sentence structure in a lot of places (and I like that not all your sentences start with he/she), but there are a lot of sentences that are short and choppy. A good example is the paragraph where you're talking about the man. All the sentences are like "He was..." "He liked..." and they're sort of short and all the same. That's the only thing I really noticed though! Other than that, great story

This is incredible, so well written and descriptive! I like the use of the Latin as well it adds to the whole feel of the story! The summary pulled me in and the chapter blew me away!

I absolutely loved your story. I wasn't expecting to, but I actually loved the whole thing. I think a nicer layout would look better, but that's not really a complaint. Your grammar is pretty good and your use of language better, well done!

I devoured the story.

First of all, the title caught my attention because I was raised as a Catholic and Ave María was one of the main prayers that we had to recite when we confessed back in my communion, confession, and confirmation of faith days.

"Dios te salve, María, llena eres de gracia, el Señor es contigo. Bendita eres entre todas las mujeres y bendito es el fruto de tu vientre, Jesús.

Santa María, madre de Dios, ruega señora por nosotros los pecadores ahora y en la hora de nuestra muerte. Amén."

I really liked it that you used the Latin prayer and how easy it was to read through it because, well, Spanish derived from Latin. I also liked how you wrote between narration and the prayer, each part of the prayer reflecting on the actions your character was taking.

Now, let me get on to the character; I loved her. The moment she stepped onto the building she had this sort of vigilante feeling to her; she reminded me of The Huntress (from the DC comics) and also a mix in of Assassin's Creed and Bondock Saints. What made me happier is that you chose a female character to play this role, because it's rare that we see females portrayed in such ways.

I also liked how you showed how religious she was and how she was convinced that her eye was given to her for a reason, choosing to use it to take sinners to god's judgment.

Overall, I think this is a stunning piece; I thought it was a bit short on the narration, with the lines being too small; however, this added to the overall feeling of the story, like, no words need to be said because this is her confessing she's a sinner, so what else do you (reader) need to know?

Woooooooow.

So well written. I loved how her eye was a scope! When I read that, I smiled because I adored the originality and strangeness of the whole thing. You're prose is simple and whimsical and just asdfhjkl. I rather envy it. And I like how the story unfolded the way it did. It was all very grabbing and kept the reader going. So wonderful.

And despite the fact that I know this is finished (and it works wonderfully as a piece of its own), it almost seems like it could double as a prologue to a bigger idea. I hope you don't mind my honesty. c': Very well done and I enjoyed this piece very much. <3

*I'm here from the comment swap thread! *

The summary is really well written and it captivated me as soon as I started reading it. The layout is a curious thing, however. I find the summary page to be a little plain and almost squashed, yet the simplicity works so well for the chapter. I completely understand that you didn't want to take away from the words written on the page but, with having such a great summary, I feel as if there's something off. I just can't pinpoint it, unfortunately.

I adore the Biblical atmosphere you have incorporated throughout your piece. It shows commitment and understanding, which is always brilliant to read. The first chapter is just as captivating as the summary; when the reader finally understands who/what Ave Maria is, it sends a glorious shiver down one's spine, or at least it did for me. I love how elegant your writing style is; your descriptions are great, and your lack of description of the woman just adds to the mystery. My only criticism is, though it's probably just my personal opinion, how short the sentences are and how you could put more detail into them.

Overall, this is very well written and it is obvious that you have a great talent for writing. Keep up the good work!

I'm intrigued! I go to a Catholic school, I'm never going to hear that hymn in the same way again. The repetition of the hymn made it seem so surreal and the ending was pretty cool! The idea is really good, really unique and the vivid descriptions make the scene easy to visualise. I definitely want to read on and I found out what happens next! This kind of story is my kind of thing and without your recommendation I don't think I would have found it! Thank you so much, I am immensely grateful because I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, you are a really good writer xxx :-)

Wow, this was quite stunning to read. I quite like the use of Ave Maria throughout this story. I thought it was great that you tied the summary into the story itself with the Lord's flock line. I'm not a religious person, but I really enjoyed that the connection to it and the religious metaphors ran deep from start to finish. I also like that she's a vigilante of God, killing the drug dealers and otherwise sinful people in the city that consider themselves as gods themselves. Although there's not much said about her, you set her up to be a very intriguing and distinctive character.

Your descriptions were wonderful and painted a vivid image, especially of the city and her eye. It flowed very well and I like how it slowly built on itself with each paragraph, like it started with the city, then talked of the inhabitants, then of her. It all connected and felt like a natural progression. I found this story rather interesting and unique, and your writing style is very lovely.