Keeping You a Secret. - Comments

emilypaget (100)

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Gender:: ♀
Age:: 28
Location:: Australia

Firstly, let me say I am a sucker for well designed layouts. It's like a well designed book cover - it either repels or attracts you to the story. Let's face it, we all judge books by their covers (at least subconsciously). Your layout is well designed and pleasing to the eye. Try removing the Center align though, it's actually unconductive to reading. The Romeo and Juliet plot is an age old story line that has well and truly been tested, but I do believe that this story has the potential to bring something new to this cliché. I like that you use short sentences, it makes it all feel very to the point, but I feel that sometimes you use it in places that is meant to have a bit more description, or needs to be worded just slightly differently. For this reason, a little bit of editing is needed - in both the story itself, the writing and the summary in order to tighten things up a little. But that's something that's easily dealt with. My honest opinion is that a little work will take this story far, because it has the potential to be something great.

February 23rd, 2016 at 12:39pm

Tollaty (100)

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Age:: 28
Location:: United States

I agree with some of these other comments that say the Romeo and Juliet plot is cliche and overdone. It doesn't make sense to me in the setting of a high school either. Maybe the student would be ostracized, but the example of Alexander Parker and the Rocker girl (who you neglected to name and which is kinda upsetting and maybe a little degrading) is too dramatic and unlikely. Even if the students were to turn against the two, I doubt the coaches, teachers, and families would be any less supportive of the two, especially if they were very talented.
But I admit that Lauren and Jay are socute and I read everything you have written so far because of it. I find cute little secret romances to be adorable and I find myself indulging in them. But. They seem too good to be true. This notion of the wonderfully beautiful but very hurt girl in need of protection and the stunningly gorgeous and sensitive boy as her protector is also pretty cliche. Maybe try being more realistic and find a different reason that they'd need to hide their romance? If the story were more believable it might be more appealing and worthwhile to read.
But I'll probably keep reading if you keep it exactly the same anyway. Because.. socute.

February 17th, 2015 at 07:57am

uphill.battle (100)

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Age:: 32
Location:: United States

Let me start of with this, your writing style definitely isn't bad. You're just descriptive enough for me to get a good picture of what's going on. Your summary could use a little work, though. The Romeo and Juliet angle is cliche but could really work. I feel like you give too much up in the summary. Your story has a lot of potential and you have some potential for some really solid characters. Not a bad story!

August 27th, 2014 at 09:15am

mcartier (100)

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Gender:: ♀
Age:: 28
Location:: United States

This is amazing already! I love the story plots you have been coming up with!

June 4th, 2013 at 12:14am

marshallomnipotence (100)

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Gender:: ♀
Age:: 100
Location:: Australia

From the comment swap, I commented before and it decided not to work, delete my comment and make me comment again. =( I'll try and remember what I wrote. First, this is very cliche, the summery didn't intrigue me. Because you basically told me what it's about, I wasn't very interested in reading it. I think you need to work on using different words for descriptions, you use simple languge and while it's okay sometimes it can make the story seem really boring and lifeless. Maybe you could invest in a thesaurus, internet ones are okay, anything by Collins is great (I have one and it's really helped me use different words and now I have a whole mind bank of different words to use) You want to keep the reader interested. Just a tip, When you continuously ask for comments in every single authors note every single update it can be demanding or annoying for the reader. Bugging your readers to commnt mostly will not get you comments. Maybe say 'Thanks for reading' in the status bar but don't pressure them to comment. Everyone wants feedback but some readers are silent readers and just don't want to. Anyway, keep writing an I hope my tips were helpful. Feel free to message me if I don't make sence (I haven't slept) :)

May 28th, 2013 at 10:00am

goatman (100)

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Gender:: ♂
Age:: 26
Location:: United States

From the comment swap.
In the summary, you make your story sound very cliche. By comparing it to Romeo and Juliet, it gives everything away, and at least to me, you start describing your characters as 'Mary Sues" with them being beautiful and perfect.
Your writing though is great. Your descriptions are wonderful, and they really paint a picture to what it going on in the story. There's some grammatical mistakes in the first chapter, but nothing major. Although, POV switching just distracts me as a reader.
Sorry if any of this sounded harsh, it's a great story, I'm just very cynical when it comes to romance.
Keep up the good work!

May 28th, 2013 at 07:47am

Cataclysmicclara (100)

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Gender:: ♀
Age:: 30
Location:: United States

Awe I was sent here on comment swap, but I really love it. It makes me think about Claire and Brian from the breakfast club and what it would be like if they were together. I think its really sweet that Jay was Lauren's knight in shining armor at the party. I can't wait for the next chapter.((:

May 28th, 2013 at 07:06am

helloblues (100)

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Gender:: ♀
Age:: 32
Location:: Great Britain (UK)

I think this story could have a lot of potential if you could include more background information to build up the tension! I find the perspective switching a little awkward, too. It seems like it would be more beneficial to just have one protagonist and really get to grips with them, rather than getting a little from each. It just sort of breaks up the flow of your writing. But definitely keep going; practice makes perfect!

May 28th, 2013 at 01:30am

M. Evelyn (100)

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Age:: 25
Location:: United States

@ lolita in love
That actually helped a lot for this story and future stories. Thank you!

May 28th, 2013 at 12:01am

Isadora Pierce (125)

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Age:: 28
Location:: United States

*comment swap*

First thing I noticed in the summary was the first sentence. You gave away the whole meaning of your story by saying "another love story like Romeo and Juliet". Readers don't want that. Don't demean your own story by saying it's just like another one, that it's cliche. You don't want to do that, it drives people away! ;(

Only read the first chapter: I see a lot of grammatical errors and a couple spelling mishaps but if you got a beta those would be taken care of easily!

You kind of switch tenses a lot and it's very hard to understand. If you're going to be in first person, be in first person. Don't switch around.

I think this is a cute idea though, the whole Romeo and Juliet deal has always been one cliche I can tolerate. Just make sure you write with taste and try not to make everything super predictable.

May 27th, 2013 at 11:31pm