January 6th, 2014 at 10:52am
I love the layout, the text fits it perfectly. I give you credit for picking such a controversial topic. The characters' feelings seem so genuine. I like that you have the girl worry about what their family and friends would think because it's realistic.
This sentence threw me off "He kissed my ear and I could have sworn I heard him whispering that he hated that worried look on my face because he only cared about is my happiness.". If he was whispering that in her ear, she would have definitely heard him, not just sworn she had. It's a really long statement for him to say with her only swearing she heard him.
Sorry. I could just be being picky again…
I love this sentence though "We wanted more than anything to walk out to the crowds, holding hand, showing every single person how much we love each other yet we knew we would never be able to do that.", it shows their longing of wanting to be able to reveal themselves but knowing they can't. It's sad.
Okay, I got goosebumps at this sentence "‘’And you know what my sleeping beauty… even if I was an angel you would have tempted me to falling." Oh my gosh, that's about the sweetest thing I've ever read. I love stories where the characters love seems so pure but because of…society or other things it becomes sort of impure…or never right in the first place. Unfortunately…
I love this sentence too, "It didn’t last too long though because my lips were made for his and his heart was bound with mine.". I love the last paragraph. It's so pretty and honest. I love the repetition in it.
Overall I really enjoyed this story. It's one of my favorites from you because of how sweet and genuine the characters seem.
Cheesiest story ever! Lol, that sounded very unprofessional of me.
No matter how cheesy I found it to be, it was realistic and actually perfect. What got to me the most is how you were able to use the problem of incest and make it lightheaded and romantic at the same time.
I think that the only thing a little off about it was how the dialogues were not constructed correctly. It’s how people talk normally sometimes but then you have to know where to put the right punctuation marks in the right places. Sometimes, when you put it in the wrong place, it sends a different message to the readers.
That’s what I also found out in your previous stories. There is no problem with the description; all you have to work on is your dialogue. Although, how they were actually delivered to each other was kind of cute and lovely.
There is also a specific way in how you create your characters. It’s as if you make them seem broken or actually gay (in the happy term). There are so many ways in which you can further develop that by giving them a deeper background or giving a deeper description.