Beach - Comments

  • n. josten

    n. josten (1270)

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    Ghoul of 2016
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    I’m here for the ‘Summer Is Here’ contest.

    I really enjoyed this piece as it had an echoing bittersweet vibe. It was romantic and sweet, but there was this deepening sense of melancholy as the narrator reminisced to the very end. I knew that something had happened with all the foreshadowing and lines throughout, but I definitely didn’t expect cancer nor for the narrator to not even have known about it until it was too late. Whilst I understood why Sebastian didn’t tell her, I also am kind of sad and angry that he didn’t because I keep imagining my significant other not telling me so I don’t have a chance to say goodbye. I think I would feel a bit betrayed even.

    Your detail to the narrator’s emotions was actually very well done in this piece. I could feel the heartbreak even as she spoke so fondly. The entire story was filled with this deep, unconditional love for this man the entire way through and it really amplified the shock and pain of the ending. I really loved all the little moments that added depth to their relationship without using a lot of words or writing out entire scenes. You did really well in showing their dynamic without being overly wordy, which isn’t easy to do when one of the characters is dead and you’re telling the story as a memory in the present rather than a moment in the past. If that even makes sense.

    There were a couple of sentences that were either awkwardly worded or redundant, though. It wouldn’t have bothered me so much if it hadn’t disrupted an otherwise nice flow. Two of the parts that immediately jump out at me is (I bolded the parts that I’m addressing):
    We had exchanged promising rings and made love in the sand as the sand hugged my back.

    Later on, we had danced without music the waltz of our lives but the most wonderful dance was performed by the waves as they hugged roughly the few rocks that were there.


    In the first bolded part, the use of ‘sand’ in the same sentence back to back makes the entire sentence read awkwardly. Maybe you should try changing the second use of it to just ‘it’ because using ‘the sand’ right before it will make it where the readers know what you mean. So it would be, “We had exchanged promise rings and made love in the sand as it hugged my back.

    And in the second bolded part, the arrangement of the words created this really strange flow, too. I think moving ‘without music’ to the end would fix it. Like, “we had danced the waltz of our lives without music” or something like that. The current structure is just stiff and a bit clumsy, I think. Nothing that a reorder can’t fix, though.

    Other than that, I think this was a nicely written and emotional one-shot so good job.
    August 24th, 2017 at 05:58am
  • error404

    error404 (950)

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    After reading this story, I too wished Sebastian was there instead of Heaven. I love your choice of names and perhaps I might be reading into this more than required, but I really like the fact that this Heaven character is named such. Personally, it speaks to me in a level that goes to show that although somebody may seem heavenly from all the things they do, they still cannot equate to somebody who has won over our hearts. Your descriptions were lovely! The reason being because you took the reader into a trip to the past, but rightfully so, because that took our minds away from wondering what could have happened with Sebastian. It stole our focus from the fact that he wasn't there any longer, and that allowed the ending to crash upon us as harshly as waves against rocks. God, I was not expecting his absence to be due to death! This piece is short and I'm truly glad that you didn't make it any longer because I think that if you had extended anything about it, it may have ruined things. You were brief and powerful. Powerful because your writing stirred feelings in me. Your words were so simple and raw that I was able to identify myself with the main character's thoughts, making my heart ache even harder for her loss. Great job!
    November 2nd, 2015 at 09:34pm
  • orange county.

    orange county. (150)

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    "Later on, we had danced without music the waltz of our lives but the most wonderful dance was performed by the waves as they hugged roughly the few rocks that were there." - I really feel that this sentence needs a couple more commas, or some form of separation, because the imagery is beautiful but it doesn't come across so well when it's written as a long chunk.

    Another emotional piece, and I notice that this is a series. I love a good tragedy, it was actual the basis of my English lesson today - how odd? Overall, love this.
    September 10th, 2013 at 06:08pm
  • January Rose

    January Rose (100)

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    I really enjoyed reading this. It was sad, tragic but magical. (If that makes any sense) I love the emotion in this story and how you (the reader) can really connect with the character. This story had so much detail that you could feel the sadness the character carried but also the joy. She remembered his last (or one of his last) words to her and they helped her when he had passes away. Cancer is such a sad thing and it unfortunately steals many lives from us. But I’m glad she (who I am very tempted to call Ariel since her lovers name was Sebastian) made it through his death even though it greatly affected her. And I absolutely adore the layout. It reflects the picture and is very beautiful.

    Overall wonderful job on this and I loved it.
    July 18th, 2013 at 04:37am
  • viralstorm

    viralstorm (100)

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    Your description is this was phenomenal. I was able to picture her standing at the shore watching the sea and the moon perfectly. I could feel her loneliness and her sorrow as if it were my own. The poem he wrote for her was so touching, and the way you had her reminisce about their last few moments together was beautiful. I feel like this is just such a wonderfully tragic romance, and even though it was short, it flowed nicely and didn't make me feel as if I was missing a thing. I couldn't imagine losing a loved one at all, let alone to cancer, this just really tears at my heart.

    Really loved this, well done babe.
    June 28th, 2013 at 02:10am
  • Maddi;

    Maddi; (6100)

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    I really like the message that you had in this story! It was really sad and tragic, and I thought you conveyed that really well. I love the way you describe the moon as being her friend and companion, and I love that this is set at the sea. One thing I did notice is that you use ellipses (...) quite a lot. There are sometimes that ellipses work well, but I think you may have overused them because 4 times in a 500 word story seems like a little too much, and there were some places it wasn't needed at all. Other than that, I think you have a great story!
    June 27th, 2013 at 06:39pm
  • kim wonshik.

    kim wonshik. (2255)

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    This was good! I enjoyed it. :)

    I thought you gave a good description of the beach, how the sand was massaging her feet and how the waves crashed against the shoreline. I thought it was nice that you called the moon a good friend a listener. As it got more into the story, my heart was breaking. I felt bad that she had to lose him to cancer, and I loved how they danced a waltz to the sounds of the waves. God, that's so romantic.

    This was well written and I'm glad I could read it! Great job! Cute
    June 15th, 2013 at 01:06am
  • Isadora Pierce

    Isadora Pierce (125)

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    I think you had a good idea here for a short story. I love the beach, so it had a great setting. You first sentence doesn't sit very well, though. You said sand in it twice, and your description doesn't sound right. Wavy, hard, cold sand? How can sand be wavy and massage your feet if it's hard and packed? Just something that caught my attention.
    June 3rd, 2013 at 01:50am
  • Unholy_Vengeance

    Unholy_Vengeance (100)

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    So sad, and amazingly written I applaud you
    May 30th, 2013 at 06:10am