Whatever It Takes - Comments

  • German13

    German13 (200)

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    **Comment Swap**
    So first off, I really like the idea of this story! I think it's awesome when girls try out for the football team! Girl "football" is stupid! It's just girls in bikinis and nasty stuff lol. But anyways, for the story, I think your idea is strong, but I did see a few grammar mistakes, especially in your summary. I'd watch out for that! Also I think the layout is super boring! Find one that relates to the story and draws the reader in!
    June 6th, 2013 at 01:51am
  • AshyMandy

    AshyMandy (150)

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    @FallingUp. Thanks it was originally in 1st person but when i write from the point of view my writing suffers for it. I'm hoping to really connect you with the characters as the story continues.
    June 5th, 2013 at 10:13pm
  • FallingUp

    FallingUp (100)

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    I found this through comment swap.
    Wow, this is such an original idea! Or, at least I've never read anything like it. :) This looks like something I'll definitely need to read more of when you have more up.
    Your writing style is good for the most part, although some parts seemed funny to me, but maybe that's just because it's in present tense and I myself cannot write in that tense. I do like that it's in third person. Although it distances us away from the main character, we are also able to understand other characters in the story as well.
    Keep writing! :)
    June 5th, 2013 at 10:11pm
  • AshyMandy

    AshyMandy (150)

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    @passion_tee

    They are different. I really like yours. Your characters have real depth and real. Mine are like robots.
    June 5th, 2013 at 03:24am
  • selfish.

    selfish. (100)

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    i already like it, totally seems better than mine.
    June 5th, 2013 at 01:05am
  • AshyMandy

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    I should write the story like this?

    Demitri Riveria stood, staring into the circular mirror in her mom’s outdated bathroom. Her warm brown eyes run up and down the lengths of her long, wavy chestnut colored hair and she sighs deeply.
    She turns to the bright orange counter to her right and digs through one of the three draws. She sighs again when she finds what she was looking for, a large pair of blue handled scissors.
    June 4th, 2013 at 11:43am
  • AshyMandy

    AshyMandy (150)

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    @ImtheDoctor

    Thank you. I meet the first part in present to be in present the rest is the past and I see it in past tense when I write it. But I'll fix it all.

    I'm really out of practice when it comes to writing this is the first thing I've written in nearly 3 years.

    I think it's time for me to go back and do the description writing class for my group at school

    I'll rewrite this chapter tonight and try to give more depth, instead of just skimming the surface.

    Thank you again.
    June 4th, 2013 at 11:21am
  • ImtheDoctor

    ImtheDoctor (100)

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    I would go through and read this aloud so you can fix all of the past/present tense mix ups. It's a bit confusing to see where the story is coming from when you are continuously mixing up tenses. Also, I think your main character could use a bit of background, or perhaps delve into her home life a bit more.
    I think this has wonderful potential to be a gorgeous and inspiring story, but right now it sounds a bit rushed and hurried through, like you were just trying to get it posted as opposed to polish it up. In the future, try not to post something unless you are sure it is ready to be posted with only minor problems. Perhaps spend a bit more times explaining her relationship with the players. Which ones does she feel devoted to the most? Are there any that don’t respect her, or is her place on the team a generally accepted fact? Is there any friction with anyone? I know this is a first draft, and also just the first chapter, but I have high hopes for this story, and I know that it will end up being wonderful and well written. :) I look forward to more!
    June 4th, 2013 at 03:24am
  • AshyMandy

    AshyMandy (150)

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    @at I'mtheDoctor Thank you for the comment. I hope i can make this story inspirational
    June 3rd, 2013 at 06:36am
  • AshyMandy

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    Thank you @xerinxelizabethx17 for your comment

    I've writing this story as I go, I haven't finished the first Chapter. But it'll be up tonight sometime.
    June 3rd, 2013 at 06:34am
  • AshyMandy

    AshyMandy (150)

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    June 3rd, 2013 at 06:34am
  • ImtheDoctor

    ImtheDoctor (100)

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    This has great potential to be a truly inspiring story! It's cute, and I cannot wait to see where you take it!
    June 3rd, 2013 at 06:26am
  • xerinxelizabethx17

    xerinxelizabethx17 (100)

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    I think this has some great idea's behind it! The first Chapter is a little short, and I think you should upload another few, to catch peoples attention right away. I think once you've posted a few more Chapters, and maybe end them with some cliff hangers this story will totally take off! It's a great start though! Good luck!
    June 3rd, 2013 at 03:50am
  • AshyMandy

    AshyMandy (150)

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    Thanks, I think I've fixed it all now.
    June 2nd, 2013 at 06:53pm
  • TabbyKitty13

    TabbyKitty13 (105)

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    I think this is going to be a really interesting piece! However, you might want to reread through this first chapter, as there is quite a bit of spelling and grammatical errors. Also, in the summary, I believe you meant to say "minds" but said "mines instead. Spacing between the paragraphs might be a help as well - it's easier on the eyes, especially when dialogue comes into play.

    So, definitely reread through the first chapter. I'm sure this will come out great, and very interesting! Good luck on it!
    June 2nd, 2013 at 06:19pm
  • charmingcohort

    charmingcohort (100)

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    I like it :)
    June 1st, 2013 at 07:35am