Your not a bad writer, this has a lot of good points. There are a few little errors though. The lack of initial description makes the character easy to connect to. This could be anyone who has hated themselves, had suicidal thoughts or even just cut for a reaction. “clattered to the floor” The onomatopoeia alerts the readers senses and it becomes a lot more real. The mention of the blade tells the reader exactly what is going on and creates empathy. “How the light shined off the sharp tip.” He is trying to find some kind of beauty in what he is doing, this created mixed emotions in me and that made it a powerful sentence, especially as it is so simple. “it was a miracle no one had seen” This gave me the impression that he had wanted help, wanted someone to notice what he had been doing even though he calls it a miracle that no one did see. The adjective “miracle” shows how strongly he feels about what he is about to do and as though this was part of someone’s big plan. Like God wanted to put him in this position. The stereotyping of the people around him just highlights his loneliness, there are a lot of people who would accept him, he just hasn’t found any. “He was fed up;” this follows by the list of problems he has is very dramatic. I think this is a very empathetic piece and has great potential.
The lack of initial description makes the character easy to connect to. This could be anyone who has hated themselves, had suicidal thoughts or even just cut for a reaction.
“clattered to the floor” The onomatopoeia alerts the readers senses and it becomes a lot more real. The mention of the blade tells the reader exactly what is going on and creates empathy.
“How the light shined off the sharp tip.” He is trying to find some kind of beauty in what he is doing, this created mixed emotions in me and that made it a powerful sentence, especially as it is so simple.
“it was a miracle no one had seen” This gave me the impression that he had wanted help, wanted someone to notice what he had been doing even though he calls it a miracle that no one did see. The adjective “miracle” shows how strongly he feels about what he is about to do and as though this was part of someone’s big plan. Like God wanted to put him in this position.
The stereotyping of the people around him just highlights his loneliness, there are a lot of people who would accept him, he just hasn’t found any.
“He was fed up;” this follows by the list of problems he has is very dramatic.
I think this is a very empathetic piece and has great potential.