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  • risque;

    risque; (100)

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    I'm sure everyone knows how it feels to just be lazy and uncaring like Greg. I also think everyone has met an Annie in their life. In the third chapter I was literally laughing out loud when Annie said it looked like Greg was pooping. Then as I read on I was on edge about what could have happened to her. Cancer really is a butt, but this is great!
    July 16th, 2014 at 04:46am
  • Valerie.

    Valerie. (115)

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    Sorry for the late comment. I still have no internet and my monthly data allowance for my phone has been used up. At the moment I'm connected to my friends wifi so I was able to finish reading this.

    So I thought this was amazing. The first chapter is especially relatable, I think a lot of people tend go through a perpetual unproductive time in their lives that makes them feel lost. I love how this story shows that people can turn things around and make a life for themselves, despite the bad things that have happened.

    I fell in love with Annie from the moment you introduced her. I love her personality and how outgoing she is. She made me laugh a lot too and she sounds adorable from your description. The whole cancer thing really took me by surprise. I didn't want Annie to die but the way you killed her off was great because the readers connection with her reminds me of the relationship between Annie and Greg, she's shoved into the story, we get attached to her and then she is quickly torn away.

    I loved how you ended the story on a happy note with a reference to one of the parts in a previous chapter.

    I noticed you sometimes use a period at the end of dialouge when it should be a comma. For example: "Greg, come here." Annie spoke... should be "Greg, come here," Annie spoke... Apart from that I didn't notice any other mistakes or anything to give criticism on.

    I'm definitely recommending this c:

    (I'm on my phone, sorry for any mistakes)
    June 17th, 2014 at 07:14pm
  • silent hearts.

    silent hearts. (1050)

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    Whoa, man. I'm so happy that you sent this my way, because let me tell you; it's fantastic! This character is - sadly - very easy to relate to. It's just quite difficult to feel like there's any point at all sometimes. But what I really appreciate this besides that is how frank and honest it is. He doesn't change for some over romanticized idea of falling in love with this perfect stranger that he meets out of nowhere. He changes because she helps him see that it's the only way his life will improve, and that's incredible. I also love the ending - and maybe I'm a little biased because I had a story end similarly, although there are some discrepancies. It's tragic, yes, but also so...normal and I think that's honestly what makes it so incredible. It's real. But the detail you use along with such an intricate perspective really make it something that keeps your attention. Simply amazing. Cute
    May 15th, 2014 at 10:51pm
  • warmaiden

    warmaiden (6085)

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    woah, hey! i really like the layout + the summary. i feel like there's so much truth between the words you have written in just two small paragraphs. i feel like i can totally relate to it in so many ways! where to start is the story of my life. looking back as an eighteen year old on the things i've done when i was younger makes me think just that 'what the actual fuck'.

    my goodness jordy, what is this. this is pure brilliance & i'm going to come back & check out the rest. i love how the narrator thinks -- rather see's -- how he doesn't have a purpose in life & is at such a young point in his life. i love your writing style as always!
    May 9th, 2014 at 03:36am
  • Lady Nikki Nightmare

    Lady Nikki Nightmare (215)

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    I liked this, but I had to stop reading because the tense in chapter two drew my attention so far away from your writing that I couldn't concentrate on the story anymore. Starting in the forth paragraph "I thought squinting as I step..." 'step' should be 'stepped.' wait in the next sentence should be 'waited.' If you just read through it you'll understand what Im getting at I think.

    But I hate that I got distracted because I related to the first chapter so well. I am that average no body that went to high school and went through college with average grades who has no where to go in life. I love the idea of this story. I just wish you would've watched out for the tenses a little more.
    January 16th, 2014 at 04:31am
  • silk tea.

    silk tea. (400)

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    Your tense in the second chapter kind of confuses me. For whatever reason it doesn't seem to flow right. It like switches between past and present in a few lines so you might want to comb through and check that.

    I can relate so well to just these first two chapters. There are so many things I love to do and yet I never seem to find time or motivation to do them. So I'm excited to see this person actually find that motivation. If done the right way this piece could actually help people suffering from that same issue. I like how short the chapters are, mainly because it makes for a much easier read when the chapters are short and to the point.

    Normally I'd make a huge point about adding more detail and more description because that's what really makes or breaks a story in my opinion. But for whatever reason the way this is written, the style seems like it should be more internal narrative than worrying about surroundings.

    I couldn't help but chuckle when she calls her noon coffee 'morning coffee'.

    Very nicely done so far.
    December 28th, 2013 at 03:16am
  • honeyjoons

    honeyjoons (350)

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    I really like the fact that this is so realistic. In the beginning, it illustrates how random and in-depth people's thoughts are on a daily basis. It was also like reading someone's diary which was neat.

    I love how eccentric Annie is right from the start and how she pretty much barrels into Greg's life whether he likes it or not (I am a sucker for characters like that). BUT OMG I DIDN'T EXPECT THAT TO BE HER FAITH. It saddened me but I like that this was your always classic story of that person sweeping into someone else's life to better than person and help them succeed and give them the encouragement they need when they're feeling nothing but hopeless. The ending though, when he remembered his assignment and thought about what Annie would say to him; that made me the slightest emotional, haha.

    I also said this when I was delivering your previous Mibbamas gift, but I really like your writing style because it's simple and to the point but gives the right amount of detail. This was a short, ten chaptered piece but it was able to illustrate such a wonderful story in those ten, short chapters.

    The only thing I picked put was the fact that in chapter 8, you say Annie has green eyes, but in chapter 3 you mentioned she had blue eyes. Other than that, this was great omg!
    December 22nd, 2013 at 04:48am
  • AngelicWasteland;

    AngelicWasteland; (100)

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    Absolutely loved this, everything about it is just so realistic (I think that's the right word i'm looking for), each chapter is short but gives us something knew, not every chapter is packed full of a load of information which I love, it's emotional as well and unique... good job!
    December 20th, 2013 at 01:55am
  • nodoluv

    nodoluv (100)

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    Simply put- this is very good. I love the way that you wrote this! It's so simple and easy to read, but I am so invested in your characters! Annie is adorable and I felt actual sadness when she revealed that she had cancer. At first I felt a little thrown in, but I actually really like that, It makes it so that reader feels like they've been there all along. I love love love love this story! Good job!
    December 18th, 2013 at 11:58pm
  • aubs

    aubs (420)

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    The first chapter is just kind of in your face, hey, this is what I'm thinking, and it's a really interesting way to begin a story. It's so, blunt, and feels like a confession to me, which I don't really see in stories.

    I noticed, starting in the third chapter, that there were some periods missing at the end of a few sentences. I noticed that it happened before a piece of dialogue was said.

    I really like how choppy the chapters are. The thoughts in the chapters are sometimes scattered and can be a little confusing, but it is how a person thinks. But I also like how he is basically recalling the memories that he has, making them as short as possible. The lack of detail is fantastic for this story because not many people actually can remember every single detail of every single day of their life, which is why it works for this type of story.

    Anyway, this story, and it's progression, is really well written and amazing. It's fast-paced and, from what I can tell, there isn't, and won't be, a dull or boring moment. Fantastic work.
    December 12th, 2013 at 06:47am
  • orange county.

    orange county. (150)

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    This is definitely very interesting. I like the choppy, quick pace. It keeps the thought style of writing from becoming dull.
    November 3rd, 2013 at 03:16am
  • fowzia n.

    fowzia n. (100)

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    this story is amazingly unique. I absolutely love it! Annie is fab and just Girl, who you think you lookin' at?. I love her attitude, it's amazeballs. And greg. GREG. Swoon Lick this new writing style is wondaful. i love it, will def be subbing and rec'ing!
    October 28th, 2013 at 05:08pm
  • Alsoldey

    Alsoldey (230)

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    This story is cute! I love Annie, she's so weird and I just laughed at their first encounter. I seriously love her sass. 

    I'm not big on grammar correcting, but I only noticed one spelling error. Too and to are a bit different, other than that I like this story. I'm definitely rec-ing.

    Also I'd like to know where you take this. Also in the first chapter I kind of felt like you were talking about me, or I mean it made me feel something. So kudos, love!
    October 18th, 2013 at 05:32pm
  • Lady.V.

    Lady.V. (960)

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    Can I say I love the summary? It's so interesting and the layout is also nice. 'What the actual fuck was I thinking?', I don't know how many times I have used that sentence. The first chapter describes a whole year of my life with so little words. This is amazing. I like the chracters you have created and I'm sure will see more to their characters in the coming chapters. This is totally realistic. Nice job!
    October 2nd, 2013 at 04:38pm
  • Dom.

    Dom. (170)

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    'What the actual fuck was I thinking?'

    My life in one sentence.

    Anyway, I love your narration in this. You portray a young person's mind so well. Greg's thoughts are kind of all over the place in the second chapter. He'll randomly get off track. That reminds me how my mind is. I never think about the same thing for more than a minute it seems. I also love how you use present tense so it seems like the story is still happening instead of already happened. And can we talk about Annie's character? I know her character would be considered strange in reality, but I still like her. If a random stranger came up and talked to me I would probably be their friend too.

    I just love how realistic to life this is. I can't wait for more. To the subscribe button I go!
    October 1st, 2013 at 03:43am
  • nefarious

    nefarious (100)

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    Do you want to know why I absolutely adore this, already? Because the first chapter, is exactly how I think. I know that messed up. Maybe I should say it's how I thought. I never thought I had been productive or useful to society.
    Then the second chapter if kinda like me as well. I figured out my purpose in a somewhat unusual way. I didn't sit down and look a pamphlet and neither did this person.

    It's just so real because it's like most people around my age. How we think and feel. You've portrayed it perfectly. I just loved it!
    September 29th, 2013 at 05:47am
  • smexybunnysister

    smexybunnysister (100)

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    that was really good. i like Annie already. lol :D please update this soon :)
    July 27th, 2013 at 03:25am
  • a mimosa pudica

    a mimosa pudica (2200)

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    Hey, finally commented! Sorry it was late. Sorry

    Layout:

    The layout seemed pretty off to me. After reading your story, I don't think that the photo has anything to do with it. I recommend you changing the photo or at least start going somewhere in your story that's related to it.

    The width of the layout is somewhat too wide for me. If you're going to continue writing very short chapters of that length you should decrease the width a little bit. It wasn't strenuous for my eyes, though. It was just a suggestion. Cute

    Character:

    I don't know what his name is but I definitely can relate to him. His story seems personal and in a way, deep because what he's going through is what normal day-to-day people go through in their lives. I can tell that this story is going to be inspirational to many people.

    I am also not sure where you're going with this story so I suggest you pick up the point fast. Of course it's about life but please be more specific. I've never been given an information that could help me understand the way he's living right now. Maybe you can add in your chapters excerpts of his past that could make the reader understand him more.

    Writing Style:

    Your writing style is both funny and deep at the same time. It can never be too serious because of the way you've written it.

    Each chapter was short and simple yet somehow you've lacked to give information to the readers what you're planning on doing with the story.

    An underachiever who barely passed highschool and was never going to be seen going to university.

    There were two errors here. Highschool should have a space in between; they are two separate words. It should also be "was never going to be seen going to a university".

    Overall:

    I am still looking forward to what will happen with this guy but I do hope you start putting more details about him so we could know where you're going with this story.
    July 20th, 2013 at 02:58pm
  • viralstorm

    viralstorm (100)

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    I really dislike the layout, or at least how much space there is. It makes me have to strain to read everything, my head literally has to shift from side to side. So there is a bit of a tiff with that.

    I'm not sure I understand where you're trying to go, or what you're trying to do with this story. I guess the particular writing style you are using just throws me off. The sentences do not flow really well from one to the next, so all of the spaces between them seem like everything is one separate thought. This was fine in the first chapter, but in the second it really made me furrow my brow. I felt like the first chapter flowed nicely, everything made sense from one sentence to the next; one thought to the next. When the sentences are separated in that way my brain is programmed to look at everything as their own separate idea, because that is generally how we begin new paragraphs. I was really just thrown for a loop with it.

    I think the narrator's train of thoughts and ideas are brilliant. I feel like I sort of understand where you are trying to go, but my brain is just having trouble following you haha. Like I said though, it's really just because of the way I look at the separate sentencing and such. Your writing isn't bad, because I've read other stories from you and love you're writing, this particular style just isn't for me. I STILL LOVE YOU THOUGH! Arms
    June 28th, 2013 at 06:27pm
  • fascination.

    fascination. (100)

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    I do like your layout, but I thin its a bit awkward to have this huge space for your writing and such a small picture. I really love the color scheme you have going on, but I think it would look better with the link color matching the rest of the layout.

    I ADORE the first chapter. It reminds me a bit of myself and how I want to change and do more exciting things. I think it's cool that he's out to set up an amazing life and get things going without focusing on getting a lover to help it. It's about yourself and not someone else helping you, and I like that you portrayed that. I also enjoyed the second chapter.

    One thing I notice is that your writing is a bit choppy. The sentences don't flow together too well and I think some of that may be because you make a new paragraph every time you have a new sentence, which I think is a bit odd. So, maybe try changing that?

    What I really enjoyed about this story was the plot, and I can't wait to see how his character develops as the story goes on. You've got yourself a new subscriber :D!
    June 24th, 2013 at 11:51pm