June 1st, 2017 at 04:45am
One thing I have to say first is that you should separate your paragraphs with a space, and also you did a pretty good job with doing it with your dialogue but I still think it could be separated more so.
I noticed you used ellipsis a lot in place of commas or periods, those should be fixed, just because it'll read easier and make the story more understandable.
You also had moved between tenses a lot, but it didn't disrupt my reading, though it could to some other people.
I hadn't read anything like this on here, so
for originality. It was pretty interesting.
I think you had a very interesting concept here. The fact that the narrator’s parents communicated with them through their dreams and the whisper in their head left a lot of doors open, I think. I could see this being turned into a full-length story, with more about the narrator’s parents and Ash and whatever demonic thing he was possessed with? (At least, this is what I’m assuming happened.) It was definitely intriguing and I did enjoy the concept.
But I feel like you could have given me more detail. The way you wrote the entire dream was too blunt and simple because it was supposed to be this ominous setting that put me on edge and made me anxious like it did to the main character. Instead, you told me rather than showed me or made me feel it. Like one of the prime examples of this that I can give you is when you wrote: You know that feeling when you get chills down your spine? I had that all over me. – There’s a better way to have described this feeling to me as a reader so I felt it rather than just acknowledged that apparently the narrator had a chill going down their spine. I only knew the character was scared and nervous because you told me, not because you showed me and helped me feel it with them. It left me feeling detached from everything and although the ending was a surprise, it didn’t carry as much weight as it could have. The dream itself just didn’t give me that ominous, terrifying feeling that I really wanted it to.
You also need to double space your paragraphs so it’s not a large block of text. It gets distracting on Mibba because you can’t indent like you would in an actual book. I also think you should replace some of the ellipses with commas or periods because the long pauses made the story read strangely in my head.
Overall, I do think you had a good concept that could potentially be something great. Good job!