The Black Brick Road - Comments

(Comment Swap)
Since I'm currently at school, I'm gonna have to go over this very quickly.
Lovely story, I truly mean it, even though some parts of it did confuse me, and there was a bit of a reoccurring typo that I saw through out the prologue. I'll show you what I mean.
"where are you going"?
"Home"!
"Quiet! She'll hear you"
The typo here is that the marks should be inside the quotes, like so:
"Where are you going?"
"Home!"
"Quiet! She'll hear you!"
Other than that, I can't wait to see what happens next in the story. :)

Alright, I was sent here by comment swap and my initial reaction to your title was a good one. It's a mysterious title that really sparked my curiosity. When I got here I noticed that your layout incorporated a gif. It's a lovely gif which is why it was a bit distracting. That's alright though, because it's not so distracting that I couldn't focus on the story. I only had time enough to read the prologue, because I'm at work, but it was good. I enjoyed the mystery of the prologue much like I enjoyed the mystery of the title. I wish I knew the sex of the character narrating this story, but perhaps you cover that in a later chapter? I'm not sure. Keep up the good work, I'm going to try and read some more after work today.

@ TabbyKitty13

Oh my god! Thank you so much for the advice. I'm considering re-writing the story in third person so, I can flesh out the characters and setting more.

So in your prologue, I noticed that the last name of Pandora seems to be messed up; it says, "&amp"

Prologue:
"Her lips were quivering; giving an illusion of her faint freckles shaking timidly" You don't need that semi-colon, a coma will do just fine.

Remember that end punctuation in dialogue always goes in the quotations. So instead of "'where are you going'? 'Home'! 'Quiet! She'll hear you'" it should look like "'Where are you going" "Home!" "Quiet! She'll hear you." It's also a good practice to put comas right after before the beginning of the dialogue, such as "I grabbed a hold of one of her long black pigtails and rasped," If there's a period at the end of the dialogue, put it in, don't omit it. Don't forget to finish your questioning thought with a question mark, not a period.

Your description is good in the prologue. I can already imagine Pandora with her black hair and ponytail, puffing and huffing. I also like your adjective choice. It's nice to see things like "scarcely" and "shoveling" instead of "pushing" and other more generic terms.

Chapter 1:
If you have interrupting dialogue, as in "'"Why you little-" don't forget to close it with an end-quote. Don't forget to put new dialogue from new characters in separate paragraphs. You seem pretty good about doing that but at the end of the chapter the dialogues get smooshed.

Laconically is a nice word to use. It reminds me of how I always just do things for people without responding to them (like turning the lights off) and they get offended because I didn't say anything.

I like the description with Pandora. She seems to colorful already!

Chapter 2:
Once again, don't slip up with your punctuation. It's important!
It seems like your sentences are splitting a lot, so it seems like one line will be dedicated to one word. You may want to check that out, because it can be very distracting from the actual message in the text.

I guess I'm a little confused about what's going to happen with your characters. I understand they find the "limbo" of sorts between Oz and Earth, but it doesn't seem like it's building up to it. I would try to make the message more clear in your future chapters.

This seems very cute, and I like your ideas. (: Your characters are adorable, but I would work on meshing out your main character just a bit more!

Hi! I was sent here by comment swap!

It's intriguing, for sure! The prologue especially left me wanting for more, which is extremely important in a good story. Since you've achieved that already in the beginning, I can tell that this will be a great story! So keep the chapters coming!

Oh my goodness!! You are SUCH a talented writer, I cannot believe it! Everything from the title, the layout, to even your character's names intrigues me and I wouldn't have done it any differently. It's such a unique concept, I honestly wouldn't be surprised (with your talent!) to see this on the bookshelves one day! You've made your characters so gosh darn likable it makes me want to curl up in a ball, read your story, and cry! Haha sorry if that sounded a little weird, it's just how you write, it's so wonderful - a breath of fresh air! I am so blessed to have been able to read this and I can't waaaaiiiiittttt to read more!!

God Bless!!

Olivia

I don’t know who I love more Edgar or Alistair, their characters are so lovely. Their names were the first thing that caught my attention. I would like to read something more about Edgar, so I could know him better. The plot seems intriguing especially first chapter. The dialogue is lively. Thank you for an interesting read.

A good layout is the start of a good story, and I love the background of this one. It sets the mood for the story quite well. I love the way you write the interactions between the characters, always making sure each one has a distinct voice. That's something a lot of writers forget to do. Pandora is just so lovable, with the way you wrote her actually. She's probably one of my favorites from the story. I can't wait to read more :3