Make You Feel - Comments

  • nearly witches.

    nearly witches. (15250)

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    Like a few others, I don't tend to read vampire fiction as a lot of it tends to revolve around the same old plotlines, but you seem to have skirted around the stereotypes, and I really like what you've done here! You've got the perfect balance between humour and a proper grasp of the vampire lifestyle which I really enjoyed. Not many people can inject small amounts of humour into stories without turning it into a massive laughing fest, but you've managed that really well here. I love the characters that you've written; Nicole just seems so sassy and Michael is kind of a cross between an adorable guy and a bit of Cassanova, which I really like reading. It just added to the overall mood of the story.

    Not a lot of people can pull off humour, but you have here and I think that's great. I could easily see this becoming a fully-fledged story, but it still works as a short story.

    I'll be announcing the winners later on tonight, so good luck! Cute
    August 3rd, 2013 at 07:03pm
  • Formaldehyde.

    Formaldehyde. (150)

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    I really enjoyed this! I don't usually read stuff about vampires and the like, but this surprised me. It had a good balance of humour and thriller-ness which kept me interested. Your summary held a good amount of intrigue and represented the story very well.

    I do enjoy reading your work; your style has a laidback, yet full of drama vibe which I love to read. I liked how you described things, but not overly so and had your own spin on a vampire's lifestyle. It's refreshing to see some original ideas!

    Your characters are well thought out and really different to one another which I think makes the adventure all that more amusing. The personality clashes at the start between Ben and Nicole were wonderfully executed, and Michael seems like a total sweetheart!.

    The fact that this wasn't just your ordinary vampire story filled with sex, gore and more sex is really appealing to many people, I think. You have a plot that could easily make this story into a series.

    All in all, it was a great read! :)
    August 3rd, 2013 at 12:46am
  • capheus

    capheus (100)

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    So while I was reading this I thought it was pretty interesting. I kind of really stray away from vampire stories because they seem to either all be about the same kind of thing or end up as a bunch of cliches but this was neither. I was surprised going into it because I think while I was reading the summary I didn't get a grasp on what the story would really be about (or maybe I just wasn't paying enough attention).

    Anyhow I thought this was pretty interesting as I said but I also thought it was funny and I liked how you wrote out your characters. They weren't the most fleshed out but they also weren't extremely vague so I wasn't disappointed. I was hoping that the plot might have been a bit different but it was still gripping and ended well.

    I also really liked the layout, I really like how all of it matched. Nice job.
    July 29th, 2013 at 10:34pm
  • kili the dwarf

    kili the dwarf (300)

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    Well everyone has pointed out the few grammatical errors, so I won't point them out to you for a fiftieth time haha!

    I like Nicole, she's bold and tough, and I also like that she is the vampire instead of Ben. That makes it much more interesting in my opinion. The male vampire and human girl has been overdone, so it's a nice change.

    Nicole shakes her head at Michael. "Let me tell you something, you probably made him very upset, actually," she laughs.

    "He, kinda, tried to rape me!" - I totally laughed at this part of the story, it is so hilarious.

    I can see that Nicole and Ben's little adventure will be pretty funny. So far, I think your characters are well placed and for some reason I find Ben quite adorable.

    Your second chapter, I would have liked to seen just a bit more of Michael. I know you said it's for a contest entry and all, but I think it would have been better with a little more characterization. The first chapter was great, but the second chapter seemed a bit lacking in rushed.

    However, I found this story super funny and very cute, and I liked the ending it was just so great and had me laughing!
    =)
    July 29th, 2013 at 09:31pm
  • anna.mk48

    anna.mk48 (100)

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    You did a really good job with creating your characters' personalities. Plus you're writing in the present tense and that's not always easy to do!
    July 29th, 2013 at 08:50pm
  • Ella_Rose

    Ella_Rose (100)

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    Okay please don't take this the wrong way. I was dying of laughter as I was reading this. I thought it was hilarious. There were a few grammatical errors but they aren't worth mentioning since most other comments covered all that. I love the layout its perfect. I don't think there is a story that contains both zombies and vampires but you made it work. Last thing, I guess its kind of weird, I like your willingness to swear in your writing. There are people completely against it but to me it builds your characters.
    July 26th, 2013 at 08:06pm
  • Jefferson Starships

    Jefferson Starships (330)

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    @ solanaceae.
    First, um, I've gotten plenty grammar advice in the comments below. I don't really appreciate that most of your comments were that, not comments on the actual story. I was not the one who asked for a beta, I wanted a comment.

    Second, she wasn't trying to eat the "mouse". How would you get that impression? She was trying to kill it and get it out of her fucking house.
    July 26th, 2013 at 05:34pm
  • strychnine.

    strychnine. (150)

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    Okay, I'm not gonna lie, when I read the summary I had no idea how you were gonna work lust into this, but you did, so kudos for that being interesting.

    Chapter 1

    "Michael! Get out here you fuckhead," he yells again, giving up after minutes of no answer.

    I would put a comma after "here". I think it would flow more naturally. I would also break the tag at the end of the sentence off into its own sentence, because "giving up after minutes of no answer"doesn't really modify her speech in any way. I think it would sound better if read as, ""Michael! Get out here you fuckhead," she yells again. After minutes with no answer, she gives up."

    Then she hears a noise - a small one, that she can only identify as a mouse and she goes looking for it.

    This is just awkward. Maybe "Then she hears a noise; she identifies it as a mouse, and begins looking for it."

    I'm a little confused as to why she was trying to eat a mouse when she has blood in the freezer. Seems less sanitary to me.

    There are a few little errors like these scattered throughout the piece, and overall I think your characterization is a little weak, but you have a pretty solid idea here (I've honestly never read a story about someone walking home) and I think it could be really nice!
    July 26th, 2013 at 05:28pm
  • orange county.

    orange county. (150)

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    First thoughts, the layout is nice, the only thing I would change is the title, it sems a bit out of place, maybe editing the banner image and placing the title on it, and then making the title itself disappear would work? It might just look a little better. Otherwise, it's pretty and I'm excited to see more. The summary is what I wish I could do with my own, I suck at showing what the story is about without giving away everything, and most of the time my summaries are vague sentences, or lyrics.

    I really like that you had lust, but didn't write an NC-17. It would have been really easy to just write a steamy one-shot, but you've obviously put a bit more thought into it. Not to say that it wouldn't be as brilliant if you had, it's just what I thought.

    "you fuckhead." - that should be a comma instead of a full-stop.
    I feel like the second paragraph has too many ellipsis' in it ("..."), I just feel like it slows it down too much, and you should try to get rid of a couple.
    With the capital letters for emphasis on "THERE ARE POUCHES OF BLOOD IN THE FREEZER." I feel like an exclamation point at the end of the sentence or using bold would look a bit tidier.

    Overall, it's not bad, but the descriptions are lacking slightly. I don't really know what the character's look like, or the setting around them. It's intriguing though, and the reader isn't left feeling like they can predict everything that's going to happen. Hope this helped.
    July 25th, 2013 at 05:18pm
  • Jefferson Starships

    Jefferson Starships (330)

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    @ caput lupinum
    Hi, thank you! I really appreciate the long and thought out-ness of your comment! I'll definite be changing the layout. I'll have to think about the summary (need to change your name too, don't I?). I'll try to make the next chapter(s) better, I'm really looking forward to writing them! And I didn't really know about those errors. I mostly look at grammar and spelling, ya know instead of dialogue and punctuation, but I'll look up the rules for that, and do it myself. Not really a fan of betas. Confused

    Again, thank you!
    July 25th, 2013 at 02:58am
  • spellbound.

    spellbound. (225)

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    Finally getting around to giving you a comment. tehe I'll be leaving a comment each time you update, as I will be doing with everyone else in the contest.

    Layout - 7/10
    It's nice and simple. The only advice I could give you is to make the title a bit less.... well, red. It's a bit of an eyesore. The content background is okay, but I feel like changing it could add a lot to the layout.

    Summary - 8/10
    Once again, simple and nice. Gives you a great feeling of what the story will be about. The only thing I would reccomend would be to extend it, give the reader more of a hook.

    Chapter 1 (THERE ARE POUCHES OF BLOOD IN THE FREEZER) 7.5/10
    I don't feel like the hook is very... I don't know, good. It doesn't hook you in, and it's telling you that she's sore. Try letting the reader picture it, like having her do some kind of action that hints to the reader that she's in pain.

    That's mostly what you should work on in the future - descriptions. Not once do we get a sense of what this house looks like, or what Nicole/Ben look like. We don't get descriptions at all, which would really, really enhance this story. If you get that down-pat, you'll be golden. Cute

    You writing is pretty good. I enjoyed reading this chapter, because you do leave a sense of mystery and, well, suspense, hanging in the air. The opening (unlike the opening sentence) is done nicely enough to where it really does hook you in and makes you want to learn more about the world these characters are in. I'm 99.9% sure Nicole will take Ben back just because that seems to be where the plot is going. I'm very, very interested in how that's going to turn out. I can't wait to get a look at what the outside world is like. Cute I'm also very interested in Michael, because... well, hey, it's not everyday someone has the guts to kiss a guy. I'm a sucker for slash. tehe

    Grammar/Spelling Issues - 5/10
    You have a few. I'd recommend getting a beta to read over this, just because there are some - particularly dialogue - that you've missed. I'll list the ones I caught here.

    "Michael! Get out here you fuckhead."
    Should be
    Michael! Get out here you fuckhead,"
    This is the problem with most of your dialogue. You need a comma at the end of the sentence if it has a tag, except in special cases such as when you have an ellipsis, like this:

    "Michael..." the girl groans
    Should be
    "Michael..." The girl groans.

    "Hi, Ben. My name is Nicole." she says brightly reaching her hand out for him to shake it. He doesn't, doesn't even try to move an inch. "Little bitch..." she snarls, moving to walk towards the bedroom.
    Should be
    "Hi, Ben. My name is Nicole," she says brightly reaching her hand out for him to shake it. He doesn't, doesn't even try to move an inch.

    "Little bitch..." She snarls, moving to walk towards the bedroom.

    You'll need to do this everytime you start a new piece of dialogue. It counts as a new paragraph.

    "Wh...... why haven't you attacked me yet, Nicole?" Ben asks quietly but clearly.
    Should be
    Wh... Why haven't you attacked me yet, Nicole?" Ben asks quietly but clearly.
    Only use 3 dots for an ellipsis, no more.

    Representation of your given emotion, lust - 10/10
    Perfect. Both Nicole and Michael display a sense of lust, seeing as how eager Nicole is to get into Ben's pants, and how Michael 'almost kinda' raped Ben. Perfect, perfect, perfect.
    You're definitely doing a great job here. You've left me anxious to read more, which is really great, and your characters are very full of flaws - which is rare. I think you have a shot at placing in the contest. Wink SHH! Don't tell anyone.
    July 25th, 2013 at 01:35am
  • hidans_hoe

    hidans_hoe (150)

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    Omgg, Stephaniee! This is really great! I love Nicole and how she swears like a sailor. It's fantastic! I could definitely see some smut coming in here sometime. Think about it, kiddo!
    June 11th, 2013 at 01:02am